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Newest Member: Thranduilion (61515)

User Topic: Triggers, do they get better?
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm tired of triggers, we're now trying to create our own new memories. It's the only thing I can rationally do in my mind to stay away from any more unwanted pain.

I tell myself, smile, love him, love "us" It's been working for about a week now.

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 31740
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They do get easier to deal with. I remember them being like a semi-truck smashing into me, then more like a really bad nightmare, then like nails on a they're more like a fruitfly...annoying but they eventually go away.

Well that was a weird explanation

I don't know when your D-day was but I will tell you that if it hurts, then feel it now, vocalize it, then keep moving. Don't ignore it...the pain is going to come out someway, somehow...get it over with as it will subside.

Hugs to you,


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Apr 2011
♂ 38518
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, they definitely go away after time, at least for me, they have greatly diminished. While I used to have triggers several times a day after our last DDay, we're over 3 months since that date, and my WW has done everything right to show me she loves me, is remorseful, and most of all, she is working diligently with an IC to identify and "fix" issues within her that led her to even have the A (and A-like behaviors) in the first place. The more I see and feel and trust of that, the less I trigger.

As of now, I'd say my triggers are few and far between. Maybe 1-2 a month. And it usually has to do with an awkward situation like learning a new detail about the A (e.g., where they ate, or something like that).

BH (me): 35
WW: 34
1 kid (7 y/o)
multiple affairs spanning our entire 11-year marriage
multiple d-days over the last 3 years (most recently: 1/3/2016)
divorced and finally released from this prison: 2/26/2016

Posts: 199 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They do, but it makes it easier if you face them head on.

IMO ...if you trigger because of a certain place they ate, go have dinner there. They went to a certain hotel...make yourself a reservation. KWIM?

Embrace the ones you can walk through, it really helps. The others, time, like everything else :)

It's kinda like looking under the bed for the boogey man. You just can't cuz you know he is there...but when you finally get the courage to lift up the bedskirt you realize there is nothing there after all....

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 37730
Member # 37730
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine come and go. Somethings things bother me, sometimes something will hit me - I usually try to talk it out if necessary with WH.

I hope they go away at some point. It feels like a mini stab to the heart.

D-Day: 12-3-2012
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 30 years

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2012
♂ 38082
Member # 38082
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's funny with me...mine go away if I'm angry. If I feel close to ww they are amplified. If I see OM in a picture I get a big long lasting one. I'm 5 months out and get a couple a week. Once I had a bad one and texted WW and told her to insult me and piss me off so it would go away but WW did not comply. My ring was causing me to trigger and feel anxiety also so I removed it finally and it helps. Smh.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me...I prefer to hit the trigger head on.

For example...I not only wanted to know how many times they had sex and what they did and how long they did it...I had my wife drive me to the weekend farm house in the country that her AP owns. This is where the actual sex acts took place...our own personal Ground Zero. I had her explain what she felt when she would go out there to meet him...had her explain as we drove every mile out there.

What did that do for me?

It made me RAGE. I raged a bit with her in the car...but really raged several times since just in my truck sitting across the road from this house. Yes, it sucked, but it was theraputic...

To get to this house you have to use an overpass that crosses the highway that I take to work each day...twice a day I pass that overpass. early on I would imagine my wifes car crossing it...the forbidden excitment she must have felt as she crept away to meet him...each time I went under it.

Now, many days I go under it and dont even realize I had.

Sure, if I intentionally think about it (like I did while writing this post) it still sucks eggs....but I dont trigger hard....certainly dont rage.

I am only 8 months out.

I found this site maybe 4 months out.

I kept seeing TIME being mentioned as a BIG factor. I thought no way will it take us this long.

Now I see what wisdom was being spoken throughout this site.

Be patient with yourself. Hopefully your WS is not adding injury, such as lying, along the way....any nonconstructive action on their part simply adds the dreaded TIME factor to this process.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:31 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 7

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