SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

PhoenixRising88 posted 5/9/2013 12:59 PM

Two times in the past three weeks I have received flowers at work from hubby. No reason, just because. I should be happy right?

But it kills my already wounded heart to have my very first reaction be "What does he want?" followed immediately by "What has he done now that he feels guilty about to send me flowers?"

I hate hate HATE being jaded like this. Nothing taken at face value, every little thing he does and says the little voice in my head says "yeah, right, what's this really about".... I miss being able to trust.

blakesteele posted 5/9/2013 13:27 PM

((Wannaworkthuit))

I, too, wrestle with a similar feeling...not taking things at face value.

Part of the process, I guess. It is exhausting. Counselor says its normal and will lessen over time.

God be with us all.

cheerless posted 5/9/2013 13:50 PM

Oh, I hear ya girl. I question everything now.

Enjoy your flowers, regardless of the reason. They are definitely real!

Uneek posted 5/9/2013 14:04 PM

yup. I've posted about this a lot, but H told me that he wasn't attracted to me because of my weight and was going to leave if I didn't lose weight, so now I'm stuck with that. Even though he has since said that was a part of his justification during the fog, I question his attraction to me every day.

Its Better Now? posted 5/9/2013 14:14 PM

I hear you all! I believe nothing is what is appears to be anymore. I question the motive behind "Good Morning".

mountainmomma posted 5/9/2013 16:54 PM

I can relate

its horrible to have to question everything from a million dofferent angles. Hopefully they will lessen in time (I hope), but for me i think there will always be an element of it, stronger that i would like, and that i did'nt believe even existed from my spouse prior to dday.

hear you all! I believe nothing is what is appears to be anymore. I question the motive behind "Good Morning".

this!. This did tickle me for some reason!
xx
in light
MM

Neithan posted 5/9/2013 17:04 PM

I used to unconditionally trust my wife.

Now, I strive to be a skeptic instead of a cynic.

If something which seems nice happens, a skeptic will ask "Is that true? How can I find out?" While a cynic automatically decides that "It's not true, I'm being deceived or played."

I am becoming more skeptical and less cynical as more time goes by without further betrayals. I'm happy about that.

But I doubt I'll ever unconditionally trust her again. Not for things close to my heart, anyway.

Theradin posted 5/9/2013 17:37 PM

I can relate. Though, the vast majority of my jaded feelings/thoughts have subsided over time.

In fact, one time, my WW was doing something very nice for me. She was complimenting me and telling me how much she loves and needs me, and just being very sweet to me in emails, verbally, etc. And I couldn't help but seriously ask her, "Why are you being so nice to me?". She was confused by the question. But it was pretty simple in my mind. In fact, I really didn't have to think about it much. I just couldn't comprehend how someone who does such harmful, abusive things to you can then show you kindness? So I was a bit skeptical and really wanted to know why she was being so nice to me.

Where I am now in the R process, I hardly ever think about that. Sometimes, though, I may wonder if what she's doing is to repay a debt she got herself into with her AP. For instance, if she surprises me with a gift or something, I may wonder if it is so she can rid herself, her mind, of a 'gift' she got him? Like, it cancels out what she did for him if she does the equivalent or greater with me. I don't think that is her intention whatsoever, but on rare occasions, my mind will wander there. Perfectly normal in R, I believe.

cosmicjoke posted 5/9/2013 18:47 PM

Yes and this is what manipulative, insincere individuals to do other people's minds and hearts. We question everything and we don't even trust our own perception of reality anymore.

Hopefully though, in this case your hubby is just trying to be thoughtful & make you happy. You could always ask him, what his motives are.. see how he reacts.

blakesteele posted 5/9/2013 21:46 PM

itsbetternow? Your post literally made me laugh out loud!!!! Thank you so much!

This is not to say that anything about this is funny...certainly it is not...but your post still triggered an audible laugh out of me!

Unsure why...but it was real and it felt GOOD!

God be with you.

PhoenixRising88 posted 5/21/2013 16:55 PM

Update.... we had a long talk this past weekend, and H said he could tell what was going through my mind re: my reaction to the flowers. He said I had a 'yeah right' tone in my voice. And he said that devastated him, to realize that he's the one who put that cynicism there, due to his actions. He held me and apologized yet again for 'having my head up my ass and almost losing us'...

So then today he texts me & says he's taking a 1/2 day off tomorrow so he can come have lunch with me! This from a man who NEVER stops working... I cannot remember the last time he took a day off. So I answerered back with 'did something happen?' and I got back this:

"Yes, something happened. I realized that you don't think you're the most important thing in my life. You're wrong about that, and I will make a point to show you that you're the center of my world.'

AWWWWWWWW......

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/21/2013 16:57 PM

That gives me hope! Thanks for the post, wannaworkthruit.