SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Hello all,

I have run into a wall with my BS. I have owned up to the affair, but I cannot tell him what he wants to hear because what he wants to hear me say isn't the truth. We have been together for almost 20 years. I had one affair EA and PA. I had two other inappropriate friendships as they included flirty text messages which I deleted, thus I knew they were wrong. As my BS had someone following me and had somehow been able to retreive all my text messages, when confronted, I admitted to the affair and could not deny the text messages. The truth is, I did not sleep with or have an affair PA or EA with anyone other than the one person I admitted to. It was brief, lasting only 2.5 months. My BS swears it has been going on for years and that I have slept with many, many others, and that I am lying. I contacted a company today and should have an appointment for next Thursday to have a polygraph; the results of which I will have the examiner send to my BS. I know that people fail these tests even when they are being honest, so I am somewhat reluctant, but I feel I have reached the end of my rope in terms of trying to convince him he is wrong. I can take lashing out over the things I've done, but what is hard is that he wants me to admit to more than what actually occurred in terms of number of people, time span, etc. Sometimes, a small part of me wishes I had slept with everyone he has accused me of so that I could just admit it and be done. Please let me know what any of you think. Is a polygraph the right move at this point?

If it is something your BH is asking for, then do it. Does he fully believe in the reliability of the tests? Have you done any background investigation into the reliability of the company you are going to use? Those might be very important things to know beforehand.

We've had a few WS's who've admitted to things that aren't true. Sometimes it ends up that those things are true after all and the WS is trying to get out of something. Sometimes it's a false admission and it turns into an even bigger mess.

I have no real advice, other than be prepared either way. Even if you pass, he could come back saying that the test was unreliable.

I took a poly. As far as the unreliability of the test, my BH and I agreed that if either of us were uncomfortable with the result I'd retake it.

It helped us move forward. My BH still struggled, this was a small piece of the huge R puzzle, but it did help somewhat.

My BS has not asked for the testing. In fact, he has no idea I am even considering it. I know what his issues and questions are, as he has asked the same ones over and over and over. Each time he questions me,I provide answers and each time he either tells me I am lying, misconstrues my responses or hears something other than what I’ve actually said. I think he is so blinded by hurt that he is not capable of listening to me - even though he solicits the information.

Among the many other issues, a big bone of contention for him is the actual tenure of the A. He swears it has been going on for years. The trut is it lasted approximately 2.5 months- at the most, but probably not even that long.

Another bone for him is that he thinks over the course of nearly 20 years together, there have been multiple affairs and he wonders, as he puts it,“how long he has been a fool.” The truth is this is the only one.

Lastly, seeing as though he thinks I’ve always been wayward, he believes I have slept with many, many people. The truth is, including my 1 affair, I have only slept with 6 men in my entire life. This is in part because I married really young the first time and did not do a lot of dating.

So, I would like to put these issues/questions to rest. I had an affair. I am not a slut and I really need him to stop seeing me as such. Again, there are many other issues, that I don’t think a polygraph will be able to address, but I think clarity on the aforementioned issues is needed, if not for him, for me because I need him to know exactly what it is I did and did not do.