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Newest Member: DJC1978 (60705)

User Topic: He's engaged to OW and we are beginning custody battle
♀ 35325
Member # 35325
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All! Everyone's thoughts here help so much, so i thought I would post an update to my situation. Friday night he texted to tell me he was engaged. Sunday, i went to my son's baseball game and my son wasn't there. another parent at the game showed me pics of him, her, and my kids and her kids at a waterpark out of state.He never told me he was taking them out of state. One son missed two baseball games. the other son missed his guitar lesson and missed the deadline to sign up for his rock concert that he so looks forward to. If a simple text had been sent, i would have gone and signed him up. anyway, kids get to my house at 6pm on Sunday night as scheduled. My oldest is exhausted. He has a huge amount of undone homework: Spanish that took 2 hours. Studying for a math test. An Iraqi skyline project where he did a detailed lego model of an Iraqi building, and a geranium science experiment. He was crying and begging to stay home from school to get it done. At 10 oclock he was crying because he was too tired to stay up and finish it all. So i text XH about taking kids out of state. he says oops I forgot. Then I text to tell him I'm letting Kyle stay home from school on Mon. That is not typical for me. i actually have never done that before. XH disagrees. First he says that my son told him he didnt have any homework. then he says he could have done it in the car. I said this is my decision, that I feel further conversation is not solution focused, and I am not discussing further.
So, i called my attorney. My attorney is going to court today to request a guardian ad litem. i'm just very anxious. XH is threatening to take kids completely form me..etc., etc., etc.,
I know infidelity doesn't count for anything in illinois, but what about a blatant affair in front of the kids? Kids said all they heard during the weekend was how their dad proposed to her.
I'm just scared. i did nothing for myself the last many years becasue he was either at work or with her, so i was primary caregiver. I work 3 twelve hour shifts per week, other than that I do all dr. and dentist apt. I don't think he knows who their pediatrician is. I am a room mom, a PTA member, I'm a Pediatric ICU nurse and an instructor for a nursing school. i have recieved awards at work. He thinks he's the better parent!

Dday- March 1, 2012
M 17 years
EA? 4 years
2 boys ages 16 and 14
Divorced- 12/17/2012

Posts: 144 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
♀ 7767
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to remain calm. Unless he can prove that you are extremely neglectful or abusive, he will not get full custody.

He may be able to get 50/50 if he can show that it would be beneficial for the children to be with him half the time.

How old are your children? What is the current custody agreement? Is your D final?

Sending strength and peace.


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 8231 | Registered: Aug 2005
♀ 22033
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's getting married, he doesn't want full custody. He wants to mess with you.

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2008
♀ 35325
Member # 35325
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm discouraged...I JFO from my attorney that the jude denied the request for a guardian ad litem.. at least until a hearing on June 20TH. So divorce was final december 17th. You have 30 days to go back. I went back within the 30 days because he was trying to get me to follow a different schedule than what we agreed upon. court ordered us to mediation at that time... Right now the kids get a week with me and a week with him and all expenses are divided 50/50. The problem with the agreement is there is poor communication and I am not notified of things like school picture day, or what I originally wrote. Maybe its not worth the time and expense and I just need to accept that this is how it is? My kids are sad because they are still adjusting to mom and dad not together. I suggested a family bike ride and my son said that's not a family- a family is you, me, my brother, and dad. But I cant control what he does. Maybe I just do my best, and one day the kids will know that I've always been here? And then I'm sad because they should respect their father.
On a positive note, I am realizing how much of a better person and parent I am outside of that relationship. I know this is best. It just doesn't seem fair that he gets to ride off into the sunset with her while I figure out my life. But maybe that's better, cuz when I've figured out my life, she might cheat on him ( she was cheating while she cheated with him)and then he'll have to deal with his issues and I'll be the happy one. I'm still recovering from his verbal and emotional abuse and every day/week I feel better. I just wanted my kids to end up okay.

Dday- March 1, 2012
M 17 years
EA? 4 years
2 boys ages 16 and 14
Divorced- 12/17/2012

Posts: 144 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's getting married, he doesn't want full custody. He wants to mess with you.

Or the OW does.


Fidelity isn't a's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09

Posts: 21377 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless he can prove that you are an unfit mother... he won't be able to get full custody. He may get what he already has and a slap on the wrist from the judge regarding taking the kids out of state.

Hugs, I know it is crazy making.. talk to your attorney about custody. My attorney told me unless he can prove I am selling my body, having sex, and using/selling drugs IN FRONT of my children - he won't have a leg to stand on when threatening to go for full custody. It didn't stop him from threatening, but it did stop me from reacting to his threats- which was what I needed.

Good luck,


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♀ 19772
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eww on the engagement note and schmoopie being shoved down the kids' throats. BTDT.

As for custody, please - he will not get full. Like others said, it's a threat...and generally an empty one. Not many new lovebirds REALLY want the kids around all the time. I mean, kids are a 'drag' with having to parent and stuff! Doesn't leave much time for dating.

I'm really NOT okay with kids missing things because it's inconvenient; that drives me nuts. I also cannot stand the 'saving homework for mom time' or crap like getting laundry dropped off. XH was guilty of that all, but has gotten better over time and I did talk to him about it some too, it didn't just happen because he got a clue.

One thing we do is that he keeps kids overnights on Sundays (on his weekends) and gets them to school Mondays. That was huge in not getting the kids at say 7pm on a Sunday with 2 hours of homework, plus having to make dinner and do wash before Monday morning...not to mention dealing with the sometimes fallout of a 'weekend at dad's' where there's been chaos or emotions running high and such. It's hard on the kids and you. Something to consider, even if you're not in love with the idea. It's a relief to know I'm not gonna be wondering what's up at 8:30 on a Sunday night - what's in store for me now when kids are tired and still have stuff to do for school.

We're not as organized like keeping a shared calendar, but we do keep each other in loop and when stuff does overlap, we're generally pretty good at helping each other so kids don't miss events like sports or a b-day party.

I only ask to be filled in on out of state overnights; I don't need to know about day trips (as you won't want to divulge everything you do with them either, you know?)

Sadly, OP's aren't generally banned unless they're total you'll have to get used to that. I think in time, we all just sort of find a groove?

I would totally make the kids' schoolwork and their activities as part of your 'fight' with him. Let go of the small stuff, if you will. It doesn't seem small to us - but think of end goal; kids happy and as normal as can be.

Accept that skank will be around - so concentrate on the real stuff. Even if we hate skank, as long as she's good to the kids and life is okay when they're at dad's, that's all we can hope for.

Posts: 15025 | Registered: Jun 2008
Topic Posts: 7

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