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What Set Him Off?

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seachelle posted 5/9/2013 15:43 PM

There has been a lot of open honest communication with my WH as we try to sift our way through this pile of excrement.
We are together 5 1/2 years and married 1 year (anniv. in Jan.)When we were dating for a little less that a year I felt him pulling away from me. He was confused about whether he wanted to accept a position with his company and move closer to his kids or try to make a life with me, because I was not moving ( I have children of my own) The weekends we were spending together became few and far between because he wanted to be with his kids. I figured he was done with me.
Well, I was at a girlfriend's house and there always seems to be a party going on over there. I had brought my daughter there for a sleepover. And this young beautiful man starts hitting on me. I figure I have nothing to lose, we ended up together and I broke up with my boyfriend the next day. Did I feel like a whore? yup! weak? yup! I was a 40 something woman that was just with a 24 year old guy. I was totally flattered by the attention and his persistence. Being the insecure person that I am it was an ego/mood boost for me. Sad right?
My boyfriend didn't want to break up and I said that we need to take some time away from each other and he insisted that we work on staying together. Someone anonymously informed him of my indiscretion. My boyfriend went off on me, but still wanted to try to work things out. We went to couples counseling and a year later he asked me to marry him.
We got married in Jan. 2012 and he started cheating mid October of the same year.
My WS had been snooping on my computer and had read some emails that my girlfriends and I had wrote 3 years before about the "incident" with the younger man. We were joking about it, you know, the whole cougar thing etc. I told them to drop the subject and that me and my boyfriend (WS) were trying to work on our relationship.
The snooping occurred about end of August-Beginning of September and he was fuming and did not say a word to me. He withdrew and I withdrew. We were not even acting as a couple. We were living separate lives under the same roof. We both have busy schedules with our kids and with 6 kids between us...that is a lot of running around.
He thought I didn't care, that I didn't want to be intimate with him (not just sex). I thought he wanted me to stay independent, I was paying all of the bills for the house, including the mortgage. I was taking care and doing some of my own repairs to my car without any help from him and I got to the point that I was thinking why should I be in another lonely marriage. The resentment and the lack of communication between the two of us kept building.
The point I am trying to make is that an affair is a symptom of what is wrong with a marriage. I am going to fight this tooth and nail. Neither of us come from a family where the parents had a happy marriage so the odds were against us from the beginning. But I think, as a couple, you either have to be all in or all out with the R process. I do also feel that if you are not really in love with each other that there is no hope for R.

karmahappens posted 5/9/2013 15:46 PM

The point I am trying to make is that an affair is a symptom of what is wrong with a marriage

I disagree. An affair is a symptom there is something wrong with the person having the A.

30Rocked posted 5/9/2013 16:28 PM

Amen to what Karma just posted. A runny nose or a cough is a symptom of a cold. An affair is, IMHO, not a sympton of an unhealthy relationship. An affair happens as a result of a series of choices - a choice to imagine yourself with someone else, a choice to flirt, to lie, to cheat. It doesn't have to happen. You feel like you need attention? Tell me...don't get it from someone else. Sorry, don't mean to be on a soapbox..Just feel strongly about the comment.

MrsDoubtfire posted 5/9/2013 16:34 PM

Sorry and I hope I don't get a red flag from the mods here but.... WHAT?

Err, both of you have wayward thinking obviously.

An A is a messed up persons way of dealing with a crap M. Look at all the BS on here who are in a crap M or relationship who don't cheat.... You are using excuses to justify what you did.
ETA: Why did you post this in R? Was it for help or to get s rise out of those in R? I'm confused....

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 4:39 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

seachelle posted 5/9/2013 16:49 PM

Wow! I appreciate your opinions...but I guess we will have to agree to disagree. I posted it in R because talking about what triggered him to go outside the marriage is an important part of our recovery.
You may think I am screwed up but I believe in digging deep to resolve the issue.
I thought this would be helpful to others that are trying to make sense of what is occurring in their lives. I am not looking for support for this post. I'm sorry I offended some of you.
I do believe that total transparency is necessary. We go to marriage counseling and we are talking this out at home. I truly believe that no one is perfect and that no one has the right to judge. Both of our pasts have never included good communication skills and this is where our marriage suffered and lead to worse things.
I will always believe that if you truly love someone you can find forgiveness.

karmahappens posted 5/9/2013 17:40 PM

You didn't offend me, I just disagree with you.


If you are in a bad marriage/relationship

Emotionally healthy people

1. Get divorced
2. Get therapy
3. Talk with your partner...etc

Emotionally unhealthy people
1. Have affairs
2. Gamble
3. Drink/do drugs ...etc

I believe in digging deep to resolve the issue.

I did too, it's hard work and takes years.

Stay and read, we all have different opinions

[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:41 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

libertyrocks posted 5/9/2013 17:52 PM

Seachelle, I had a million reasons to cheat on my H. Read my profile. That little happy face icon in my response box. I chose not to, I even had multiple opportunities. I know it's hard. It's hard for both WS/BS. You will learn a lot here, you just have to figure it all out. Good luck sweetie.

Rebreather posted 5/9/2013 18:24 PM

Hi seachelle, welcome to SI.

I have to agree with the others, the state of a relationship can't make someone cheat. That's the digging deep that needs to be done - and boy are we all proponents of digging deep here! But there are deeper issues, causes, psychological drivers, etc., that can be found and understood. Best of luck to you working the process and best wishes for your recovery from this.

blakesteele posted 5/9/2013 18:38 PM

If a spouse has something wrong that causes her to NOT have sex or that sex is painful so they dont have it THEN okay for her husband to step outside of the marriage, behind her back, to get sex?

In my case, while some of my coping mechanisms were broken nothing that I did made my wifes choice to have an A a credible option. She, like most all WS, chose an unhealthy path that is nothing but destructive.

All marriages have troubles.

My wife has repeatedly admitted to me and in counseling that there were no major issues in our abuse, no financial strain, no excessive hobbies or work schedules...hardly even moderate everyday stress like me leaving my dirty clothes scattered about the bathroom.

And yet...she chose to have an A.

Other couples deal with much more extreme stimulus and lack far more from their marital relationship then my wife did...and they do NOT chose to have an A.

I see you are a new member.

That first 2 months after DD, while my wife was in a very heavy fog, I did many actions that I am soooo not proud of. Most of which was my need to show unreasonable support and share-taking towards and in my wifes A.

If you are really close to your DD...please try and step back and take a look at the situation as a whole before you start to jump in and take up your yoke.

It seemed so natural for me...afterall, she is my wife...and I did say for better or worse.

But there is a definite time for solo work immediately following a DD.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:41 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

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