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rumors abound

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Fightingmad posted 5/9/2013 19:47 PM

Anyone deal with rumors intruding into R. We live in a very small town. The OW has had at least one affair with another married man that I know of. Yesterday I found out they are divorcing (I suspect OW's BS told that woman's BS). Then today at work I hear more rumors about one of the OW's friends "texting my husband." This was spread by the OW (hard to follow I know) fWH denies and I have full access to his texts and believe him. But it seems that I am living in the center of a sopa opera. Every rumor causes me to trigger. They occur at work (I work with OW in same hospital), in town, my neighborhood... We are doing so well when left alone!

I want to go to her and just tell her to quit it. That I am sorry she is divorcing, that I am pissed that she was involved in another families break up who also has 4 kids...the count is now 7 children (possibly 10 if other rumors true) now living in broken homes because these people can't keep their legs shut.

I am angry. My fWH and I are starting to discuss moving. We just moved <2 years ago and it will be hard on the kids but I do not know what else to do

blakesteele posted 5/9/2013 20:26 PM

(((fightingmad))) intuition is up a bit concerning this type of thing affecting my family. No public rumors yet..and I hang out at the barber shop and local places to keep up on things in our small town!

I have no hard facts to support my intuition...just some recent observations concerning my wifes OM and his actions.

We, too, live in a small ins with all involved are inevitable. I dont seek him out in our community, but am tuned into his physical looks and the vehicle he drives. I am naturally observant of my surroundings anyway (though my wifes A was only discovered by me through an innocent alert from our cell phone carrier telling me texting limits were approached..sigh), and this experience has done nothing but hone those skills to a fine point.

My intuition is starting to tell me my wifes AP may be a chronic cheater...but, then again, we DO live in a small town so I kinda think if this were the case it would be known throughout our small community if this was true...but, of course, my wife and him kept a pretty good it is possible to go unnoticed for a bit. My concern and tie into your rumors question is this: If this is correct, and he is a chronic cheater, it is just a matter of time before he runs one too many women and the house of cards which time the entire trail of destruction will be explored and rumors and truths will abound. But I am also prone to going to extremes in my bare with me on that.

Regardless of if my intuition is true...the fact is when you live in a small town, and both wayward partners are from married households with mulitiple children...the risk of rumors and unintentional slip ups is a very real risk. add to this the fact that both my wife and her AP are local business owners it makes an easy public target for intentional " accidental "run ins...if you know what I mean.

Moving would eliminate (or at least greatly reduce the chances) that. But that is not an easy decision...

Yep, it is sad how many lives this selfish act burdens...that could result in life time issues (as we are discovering within ourselves through counseling) for the most innocent among us...not that even the worst of us (WS or BS) deserve this much trauma.

There are actually real live people who INTENTIONALLY wreck homes...and brag about it. I work with one such male.

At this point anyway I beleive the A that entered my family was started innocently enough....

I still MOSTLY believe the above statement...of my wifes A starting innocently enough between two niave least at the start.

The intuition I spoke of above? It is based on some observations of late of him...but I am in touch with myself enough to know that a part of me would like to find out that my wife was somehow tricked into a relationship with him...and through that selfish desire of mine I could see me building more into my intuition and what I THINK I observed than is really justified.

sigh....this is a crazy trial for us all...BS and WS alike.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:50 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

blakesteele posted 5/9/2013 20:35 PM

If I may be so have you handled disclosure, if any, with your children?

I really really really dont want them to know about this as my wife and I still cant explain it within ourselves yet...but dont want one of his teenage kids, with raging hormones, to decide he needs to me the man of the house and approach my children with inappropriately phrased emotions...or walk into my wifes business and cause an out of control scene.

I know I am asking a tough question. I dont mean to add to things for you to worry about.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:36 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

musiclovingmom posted 5/9/2013 20:41 PM

I, too, live in a small town (one where most people I know have lived since childhood) and have to deal with rumors. 2 of my H's OW live and grew up here. We have mutual friends. Our lives, even with NC, are very intertwined. Lucky for me, one OW is a pathological liar and even her friends know it. The other,nwas my friend before and during. When people start talking, I am honest. I tell them straightforward with no shame and no reservation. That reaction shuts the gossip mongers down, because it is so contrary to their expectations.

blakesteele posted 5/9/2013 20:53 PM

excellent advice musiclovingmom. May we all heed it and put it to use.

Fightingmad posted 5/9/2013 21:02 PM

musicloving - thank you. If anyone had the balls to say something to my face I hope I have the courage to do just that.

Blake-you seem to be struggling with some deep questions of late. Keep your ears open it does seem to domino once out... My children, as of yet, do not seem to know. Although, my 13 yo I sometimes wonder how she has not picked up on anything. She is friends with both his ow's daughter (as I have said before) and is friends with one of the daughters of the OW previous WH (who is my neighbor). You can't make this stuff up. We have decided together however that if they are told by anyone that we would be honest. That Mommy and Daddy's are human, we make mistakes, we can learn from them, grow from them and become better people for them. That we can learn to forgive one another - I pray for that the most. It is a balance beam walk though knowing how much to say, when/if to say it...

I pray you find the right answer for your family

blakesteele posted 5/9/2013 21:18 PM

Thank you fightingmad.

karmahappens posted 5/10/2013 08:33 AM

This was the worst. OW was a "friend". We live close, went to the same places, our daughters were friends.My kids called her Auntie...

Yeah, I wanted to move. We were looking into it but would have lost a lot of money w/ the house if we did. So I stayed put...

Initially I saw her everywhere. It made me crazy. I saw friends that knew, heard the gossip behind my back and really was so sad by the way I felt I was treated.

But like MLM, I knew I did nothing wrong.When I got a little buzz from someone that knew about the A I was honest, had no shame and walked with my head held high.

I did stop frequenting places we "all" used to hang out. We found new friends and new hangouts.

So, we didn't move....we are almost 6 years out and it doesn't even bother me anymore.

I saw someone that aided in the A the other day at a pub, her life is a shit show...I walked by and just smiled to myself. I am leading a life I can be proud of and anyone that wants to judge or throw trash, feel free. You don't know me or my life.

My kids know, not because I told them...It never entered my mind that an ADULT would tell a kid anything like this, but OW talked to her daughter about my H, in great detail She told my D. My son was later informed by another adult and was pissed. I would tell my kids if I had to do it again, in age appropriate terms. Somewhere, somehow the "secret" will be let out of the bag. At least if you tell you can control the way it is delivered and be there for open, honest communication.

(((hugs))) It's another shitty part of dealing with an A...but like everything gets better with time.

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