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stilltrying2025 posted 5/9/2013 21:16 PM

So my WH left today to go work on the road close to where the OW is at. I was able to get a hold of his phone and took pictures of the messages he and her were sending back and forth on Monday. Nothing provocative or revealing but one of them was about her moving back to the Cities and he asked her how he would he be able to see her again. She said "When I come visit". He also informed her that he would be in the area on Thursday and told her to find a babysitter so they could meet up. She said she would try. He said yes try it and let me know, I'll stop by. WTF!!!!!!

I'm thinking it's over now. I can't go on living this way. I cried the entire day at my desk at work. Saw my IC and she said the same thing, you need to leave. This pain is killing you physically, emotionally and mentally. My physician upped my anxiety medication and will soon be upping my depression medication.

I made the "mistake" of showing my oldest daughter the text messages and asked her if it sounded like just a friendship to her and she said absolutely not. She then proceeded to text her father and tell him that she loves him but he better figure his shit out. After going back and forth quite a bit she finally said don't bother talking to me until you and mom talk and get things figured out. Now I feel horrible because I caused a argument in their relationship.

I'm pretty sure when he comes home this weekend, if he does, that he will be asking me for a divorce. I'm scared to death but I'm pretty sure it's inevitable. I'd rather try a separation and see how that goes instead of a full fledged divorce but I don't know if he'll go along with it or not.

I've also had to take a leave of absence from my job. I can't focus, I cry all the time and I'm constantly having panic attacks. I feel really weak for doing this. Next week I'm going to go around and find out what all my options are; any financial help for housing, does he have to pay child support, find an apartment and start packing stuff up.

Feel like I'm dying.........

Flowerforme posted 5/9/2013 21:52 PM

Sending you hugs. Sorry he is causing such pain..it sux, its unfair and you do not deserve to be treated as such.
Why is he still communicating with her?

stilltrying2025 posted 5/9/2013 22:16 PM

Thank you Flowerforme! He's still communicating with her because she is HIS friend and I will NOT dictate who he can and cannot be friends with. He says they are just friends and he's doing nothing wrong so I shouldn't be upset. Even though he sees the hurt it's causing me (52 pound weight loss) he doesn't care. His motto has always been "I do what I want, when I want". I just don't understand

Offhispedestal posted 5/9/2013 22:46 PM

i truly feel your pain. You feel like you are in a nightmare but everyday you wake up and wish you could just go into a coma until its all over!
Right now its all about him. This is all hes thinking about and he is deep in doo doo fog. YOU have to wake up every morning and tell yourself that you WILL be ok. YOU slowly but surely take your life back. Detach even if you cry yourself to sleep. I allowed this pain to drag off and on for a yr or so. My H used to tell me " it is what it is" and "I do what I want, you dont have a say." This person was not the H I knew but this is who he became, it takes the nastiest, cruelest monster to hurt someone that loves them to the moon and back. It took me throwing him out 3 times and months of crying for hours every night. Please take care of yourself. I lost almost that much weight in 8 wks and tons of hair fell out. It took me longer than I wanted but I started detaching, Started to make plans to move, had him sign a permission letter so our daughter could leave the state, started packing and selling whatever I could to move.
Was I over him yet? no freaking way. I cried at the drop of a hat. Then and only then did it start to hit him, she finally had him living with her and her true colors started to show,she was actually still screwing her newly divorced husband. My H became severely depressed. He got hit with deep regrets and remorsed followed.
he had to do so much work and still does to this day. I know one thing
if I ever am in this situation, I WILL move on. This is the most painful thing Ive ever been through. Ive lost loved ones been through so much but this??? This nearly killed me.
Please read the 180 asap.
(((hugs)))

stilltrying2025 posted 5/9/2013 23:54 PM

thank you Off his pedestal. this hurts me more than I could ever imagine.I hate the fact that I know I need to move out but I honestly don't feel that he will understand the severity of what he is doing until he feels the consequences. maybe want to see is that stuff is gone from the house and when he comes home nobody's here to greet him so I understand that it's real and that nobody is here for him. I've been here for this man through thick and thin. I have put up with physical, mental, and emotional abuse for 24 years and I always stuck with him and I have always stuck with him. Keno feels he has the right to treat me like shit which isn't right. I hope there comes a day where he realizes just exactly what he's given up and hopefully when that time comes it's not too late for him. I will not wait around for him forever. At some point, maybe not soon, I'm going to realize that there's more to life than him. Right now its just hard to see around that. I guess only time will tell and I just need to get everything in line so that I can leave and prove to him that I'm stronger than he thinks I am.

NoraLee posted 5/10/2013 00:15 AM

You will come to a point where you define how much pain you're willing to tolerate.

After I found out that H was still seeing and texting COW (a month after Dday) I asked him to move out and laid out a carefully executed plan for tackling our debt and divorcing. I was calm and cerebral about the entire subject and he knew I was serious. Well he sent COW a NC text that night. I told him not to bother...that relationship cost him his home and family...no sense losing it all. But his actions over the following 6 weeks (complete transparency, access to all electronics, a 6 week leave of absence from work to work on M and avoid her) convinced me to put my plan on hold and I believe we are in true R for the past 8 mos.

What they don't realize - is that the A fills a void for them..it's like I was fulfilling 80% of his needs...then COW comes along and makes up the other 20, and they think - wow! Now with cow, my life is perfect. They don't realize that 80% is coming from the wife! H told me that my plans to end the marriage allowed him to see how pathetic life with OW was going to be - how much his choices were going to cost him.

I am a firm believer that you have to risk losing the marriage to save it. And if losing you doesn't shake him out of the fog, then he doesn't deserve you anyway. My only regret was not taking a hard line on Dday 1. I tried to nice him back to fidelity - and that only made the cake he was eating tastier.

Once you decide contact with her is a dealbreaker and you leave, don't be surprised if he comes around. Hopefully, for him anyway, it won't be too late.

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/10/2013 00:15 AM

I'm sorry. The hard part is, he might never see the damage he's caused.

Get help. Family, friends, co-workers and IC. It sounds like you're going to need support.

I don't know why people choose to hurt other people. You're being hurt right now. Get help, protect yourself.

[hugs]

sparklingwater posted 5/10/2013 05:33 AM

Gently, if you've been putting up with physical, mental and emotional abuse for 24 years, then leaving the bastard might be a blessing.

Holly-Isis posted 5/10/2013 06:25 AM

When someone looks at their spouse and tells them they will not let a friend go, I have one thought.

Your spouse is the only family you choose. The person that is your partner for life...by your own choice. If you refuse to give up any friend for them to feel loved and secure, that says that the friend has a higher value to you than your spouse. It screams that there is an issue.

You may fear life without him, but think honestly about how it could possibly be more painful than this.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/10/2013 06:36 AM

Thank you for your responses! I really hope that he will see and feel the pain after I get the apartment deal set up, talk with Human Services regarding any financial assistance I could possibly get, if he has to pay child support, etc, etc. I also have to come up with a detailed plan about boundaries during the separation. That's going to be a tough one. I'm just tired of crying, I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of being anxious and nervous all the time. He doesn't know that I've checked the phone bill or that I have the text messages....yet. I will tell him but after I have my "ducks" in a row. I'm just scared I won't be able to do it, financially, on my own. I've also never been alone so that scares the shit out of me too.

I can't help but wonder and question, constantly, "Why is he picking OW over me?" I asked for no contact and he refuses to do that. So why her?

This is gonna hurt me forever...........

Nailinmyforehead posted 5/10/2013 08:45 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this. Somewhat similar situation here, and I am coming to the same realization that my M is over as well. Got up at 4am and have been sitting in my office since 5am trying to figure out what to do. You're in my thoughts.

FieldsOfLavender posted 5/10/2013 12:44 PM

NoraLee, I wish I had had the strength that you had when you found out. It has been almost one year since I found out. I was afraid to move out for fear of damaging my young child. I told my husband to move out, but he wouldn't bc at that point, it may have been an EA and not quite a PA.

NoraLee posted 5/10/2013 18:50 PM

Lavender - my H's A was an EA - but he was hoping it would lead to more. After Dday 2 when I found out how much time they had spent together and how much outright lying it took to be together that much AND that they were still seeing each other - I cried for hours on our 12 hour trip home from vacation. 3 hours from home - a calm came over me...and I realized that nothing I could do would keep him from her - and damned if I was going to live my life this way.

Now I had some advantages others don't have - I make more $ than H with a very secure, decent paying wage. My kidlets are teens - one is an adult (ouch!) and I knew I'd rather be alone, than feel rejected and lonely with someone. When I told him I wanted a divorce - I actually felt giddy - I would never have to check his phone again - I would never need to doubt his whereabouts...I was FREE!!!

Sorry for the T/J stilltrying, but one thing I've noticed here on SI...so many in successful R had to put the M on the line to save it. I have a theory that if you take too long to do it - the A fog becomes too entrenched and the AP actually starts to replace everything about the BS - not just the ego stroking bullshit. Just my theory - but I believe in the ultimatum - and following through.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/10/2013 19:00 PM

I looked at the apartment and I'm going to take it. Nothing special but it's the right price. I'm just going to have to be truthful with him and tell him I'm leaving and that the choice is his if we R or not; either no contact whatsoever or divorce. He's so used to me threatening it that maybe now when I tell him that it's a done deal he'll think twice or maybe he won't. That's something I will have to deal with. I have to get through the grieving process right now and then hopefully the anger comes out so I can show him he can't walk all over me. Time will tell I guess. It's still painful though.

Awake2012 posted 5/10/2013 21:40 PM

A calm came over me too. I wasnt sure what it was at first, but little by little I am realizing that the calm is me. Im a calm easygoing person. But I havent been that way in a very long time. I was in so much pain I couldnt see straight. And at first I thought I was just numb. But Im not numb, Im calm and in control. Im taking back my life, Im taking back the control I gave WS, I am taking back my heart. Its mine and Im keeping it where I know its safe. With me. My hell started in October 2012 and the calm hit me in May. That is a long time to cry. I too lost weight. 70 pounds. And my hair started falling out by the gobs, and still is. No one should have the right to damage your life and soul like this. I hope you find your safe place, whatever that may be. We are all different. But for me, the pain, that long, was just too great. I knew what I would be in far if I didnt take back my heart. First, I would eventually be bald. But other than that, those horrific anxiety attacks would never go away. Everytime his phone would ring I would get one. Everytime he was late, I would get one, ect ect. I cant live like that. Its horrible. The freedom of that alone, not suffering that terrible agony every 30 minutes or so. Who on earth can take that? For those that just deal, more power to you. But I just want to be free. Free from the pain, the anxiety, the tears, the worries, it just goes on and on. I wouldnt wish what I went through on my worst enemy. Including WS. You have got to be pure evil to do that to a loved one. And even if there is no love anymore, the pain the children go through watching a parent fall apart and suffer. Its just sick to do that to your own kids. How evil and selfish someone would have to be to do that. Just makes me sick. And I just dont want it anymore. No man is worth living that kind of life.

I really hope things work out for you. But please do yourself a favor and start reading up on personality disorders, it might help you see your WS for what he is and help you protect yourself.

And keep this in mind, people will treat you how you let them treat you. Decide whats best for you and go for it. You deserve so much better. Good luck

savvy posted 5/10/2013 22:01 PM

Stilltrying
SO sorry your feeling this pain and I wanted to tell you your not alone. I just can't think of my life with out my Wh. And I can't stand thought of him picking her over me. Not something I think I can ever get over. Right now he wants time to figure his head out. It is killing me. He is NC with her right now but I don't know where we are headed. I think we have been with this person for so much of our lives it truly scary to think of anything else. I'm new at this D-day was less than 3 weeks ago but I have thrown myself into taking care of me. Contacting old friends. Making new ones. Then coming home and crying my eyes out. It's real hard but try to do something to make yourself feel good. I do it only so I don't have to be in our house ( which I have kicked him out of). Sending hugs and strength

stilltrying2025 posted 5/10/2013 22:22 PM

Thank you for the responses. I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm disappointed and most of all scared. I know I'm strong, I know I have the backing of my friends and family but, honestly, I feel alone. I just need this pain to end. I just want to feel like myself again. I think leaving and making myself start over is the best thing I can do right now. It's scary but my daughters, mother, father and friends are there for me. I'll eventually make it. I just have to grieve over the loss of my husband, my marriage and the life I knew. Painful......

Awake2012 posted 5/10/2013 23:10 PM

Yes, you need to grieve and you deserve all the time you need. I felt like I grieved forever, an eternity. For the life I had. For the dreams of the furture that would never be. For the man I loved ( to me it was like he died). I grieved and cried. And I even cried silently at work. It was non stop and I constantly said I cant feel like this no more, I have to get better or this is going to kill me. Months and months went by, and it seemed like I was just getting worse. Then after the 6 month mark, I would start to have days where I didnt cry at all, and then it would hit me all over again. I felt awful, I felt broken, and didnt know when it would end. Then one day I felt nothing but a deep sadness, and as the days went by and I started to calmly and rationally evaluate everything I went through and my M up to that point, the sadness faded away too. I have since met others that talk about this sudden calm. All of them moved on, I dont think it happens if you stay. One friend it was only 3 months after 10 years of M. Another it was 4!!!! Maybe since your real self is trying to break free you are getting close to this calmness too.

But I believe you are headed in the right direction thinking about you. Put you first, it is very important to do that. Hope you feel better soon.

NoraLee posted 5/10/2013 23:47 PM

At the very least, your decision will end the cake eating. He'll have a choice to make. He can't be married and carry on like a single man at the same time. You'll find relief as you take back control of the situation...you're no longer floundering at the whim of a broken man.

Hoping you gain clarity and direction...please keep us updated - I hope he chooses well.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/11/2013 05:08 AM

as we're sitting here discussing the terms of our separation he gets up and decides he needs to go get some coffee In another town. as who's getting out of his pajamas and put his clothes on he takes his gun. He says that he will never see his granddaughter again and that both of his kids hate him and think he is the worst person in the world. I don't know if he would really commit suicide or not but now I'm scared to death that he won't come home. Could this be a mind game he's playing with me or should I be seriously concerned. he has reacted this way other times and has never done anything but now that he knows there's no choice I am leaving would he possibly kill himself. I don't know if he's just trying to make me feel guilty for saying I want a separation and trying to get me to stay or if you really means he's going to do something. He's got me so scared more than I already was just because of the separation I don't know what to do. Should I just let it be and let him know that he can't play these games with me anymore or should I be Contacting somebody. even with the terms I told him on reconciliation which is absolutely no contact with this other woman he won't make a decision he feels is doing nothing wrong that they're just friends and he is never done anything with her. He's not going to give up this friendship to save our marriage. I don't know what to do and if anybody can give me some advice right now I would appreciate it.

[This message edited by stilltrying2025 at 5:11 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]