I'm thinking it's over now. I can't go on living this way. I cried the entire day at my desk at work. Saw my IC and she said the same thing, you need to leave. This pain is killing you physically, emotionally and mentally. My physician upped my anxiety medication and will soon be upping my depression medication.
I made the "mistake" of showing my oldest daughter the text messages and asked her if it sounded like just a friendship to her and she said absolutely not. She then proceeded to text her father and tell him that she loves him but he better figure his shit out. After going back and forth quite a bit she finally said don't bother talking to me until you and mom talk and get things figured out. Now I feel horrible because I caused a argument in their relationship.
I'm pretty sure when he comes home this weekend, if he does, that he will be asking me for a divorce. I'm scared to death but I'm pretty sure it's inevitable. I'd rather try a separation and see how that goes instead of a full fledged divorce but I don't know if he'll go along with it or not.
I've also had to take a leave of absence from my job. I can't focus, I cry all the time and I'm constantly having panic attacks. I feel really weak for doing this. Next week I'm going to go around and find out what all my options are; any financial help for housing, does he have to pay child support, find an apartment and start packing stuff up.
Feel like I'm dying.........
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
After I found out that H was still seeing and texting COW (a month after Dday) I asked him to move out and laid out a carefully executed plan for tackling our debt and divorcing. I was calm and cerebral about the entire subject and he knew I was serious. Well he sent COW a NC text that night. I told him not to bother...that relationship cost him his home and family...no sense losing it all. But his actions over the following 6 weeks (complete transparency, access to all electronics, a 6 week leave of absence from work to work on M and avoid her) convinced me to put my plan on hold and I believe we are in true R for the past 8 mos.
What they don't realize - is that the A fills a void for them..it's like I was fulfilling 80% of his needs...then COW comes along and makes up the other 20, and they think - wow! Now with cow, my life is perfect. They don't realize that 80% is coming from the wife! H told me that my plans to end the marriage allowed him to see how pathetic life with OW was going to be - how much his choices were going to cost him.
I am a firm believer that you have to risk losing the marriage to save it. And if losing you doesn't shake him out of the fog, then he doesn't deserve you anyway. My only regret was not taking a hard line on Dday 1. I tried to nice him back to fidelity - and that only made the cake he was eating tastier.
Once you decide contact with her is a dealbreaker and you leave, don't be surprised if he comes around. Hopefully, for him anyway, it won't be too late.
Get help. Family, friends, co-workers and IC. It sounds like you're going to need support.
I don't know why people choose to hurt other people. You're being hurt right now. Get help, protect yourself.
There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.
Your spouse is the only family you choose. The person that is your partner for life...by your own choice. If you refuse to give up any friend for them to feel loved and secure, that says that the friend has a higher value to you than your spouse. It screams that there is an issue.
You may fear life without him, but think honestly about how it could possibly be more painful than this.
I can't help but wonder and question, constantly, "Why is he picking OW over me?" I asked for no contact and he refuses to do that. So why her?
This is gonna hurt me forever...........
Now I had some advantages others don't have - I make more $ than H with a very secure, decent paying wage. My kidlets are teens - one is an adult (ouch!) and I knew I'd rather be alone, than feel rejected and lonely with someone. When I told him I wanted a divorce - I actually felt giddy - I would never have to check his phone again - I would never need to doubt his whereabouts...I was FREE!!!
Sorry for the T/J stilltrying, but one thing I've noticed here on SI...so many in successful R had to put the M on the line to save it. I have a theory that if you take too long to do it - the A fog becomes too entrenched and the AP actually starts to replace everything about the BS - not just the ego stroking bullshit. Just my theory - but I believe in the ultimatum - and following through.
I really hope things work out for you. But please do yourself a favor and start reading up on personality disorders, it might help you see your WS for what he is and help you protect yourself.
And keep this in mind, people will treat you how you let them treat you. Decide whats best for you and go for it. You deserve so much better. Good luck
But I believe you are headed in the right direction thinking about you. Put you first, it is very important to do that. Hope you feel better soon.
Hoping you gain clarity and direction...please keep us updated - I hope he chooses well.
[This message edited by stilltrying2025 at 5:11 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]