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Such a thing as Fog stage for BS?

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blakesteele posted 5/9/2013 22:02 PM

I am intimately familiar with the fog that WS go through....but is there such a stage for a BS?

...just a thought.

I am an active member of this site and dont recall anything like the fog for BS...but thought I would cut to the chase and put this question to rest.

Thanks for viewing my post.

La Traviata posted 5/9/2013 22:09 PM

Honestly, yeah. I was in it for a year, it was false R.

I was working hard, I was focusing on our relationship first and foremost, I was in denial about the fact that I was the only one recovering.

BUT I was recovering! The progress I made on my own for myself can never be taken away from me, and I'm a stronger woman for it.

tushnurse posted 5/10/2013 08:43 AM

Yes there is certainly a fog for the BS as well.

It is our brains way of managing the overwhelming pain we feel after being betrayed. (at least that's what I think)

For most it's the willingness to believe your WS when they have shattered your world, and when the fog starts to clear for the BS the realization of what they have told you may not be true, or only half truths. Or willingness to just rugsweep the whole thing.

If you read in JFO you can see examples of the BS fog on a daily basis. Believing crazy stories that the WS tells them, and being hopeful to R without out really knowing the whole truth of things. BS blaming themselves for the A too is a part of this.

This can be problematic in R as the real issues aren't necissarily dealt with.

(((and strength)))

sunshine226 posted 5/10/2013 08:49 AM

I think the BS fog is like denial, denial that this is happening to you, and your relationship, denial that the person you love the most in this world could do something so hateful and destructive to you.

Hanging on, hoping and wishing they would see the light and come back to you, all part of the BS fog

We cant change what they did, oh i wish!!!! But once the fog lifts, things will appear to you as they truly are

Sal1995 posted 5/10/2013 08:59 AM

I would say yes, definitely. The "fog" sort of protected me the first two months after D Day. Part of the fog I think is hysterical bonding. But it wears off. I'm only 82 days into this nightmare but about two weeks something started changing. I began to see my wife's activities in a more objective light.

Two nights ago I backed her into a corner with the threat of a polygraph and got the WHOLE truth, and it's ugly. Very hedonistic, to put it mildly. I saw for the first time that she isn't who I thought she was. Or at least she was capable of very bad and abusive behaviors.

Where does that leave us? At this point I have no idea but right now it's hard to imagine me giving her the last 35-40 years of my life. I just wish the kids weren't in the middle of this horror show.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 8:59 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

7yrsflushed posted 5/10/2013 09:00 AM

Yes, I was in it for over a year. It was basically an extended bargaining and denial phase for me. I woke up after I realized I was in false R. At some point you realize that your WS hasn't shown you any real actions. It's usually just words or crumbs but they have in no way owned their shit and you are left holding the bag. The other sign for me was defending or rationalizing their inability to fix themselves in your head. They either do the work or they don't. But in my head WW had a bad childhood so it was hard and things are tough so it's hard. They may be defensive and you chalk it up to it's tough for them to work on themselves but remember they had the courage, energy, and fortitude to cary on an A behind your back but now for some unknown reason they don't have that same tenacity when it comes to fixing themselves or saving the marriage.

The BS FOG means you likely haven't really been holding your WS accountable for things and may have even been rugsweeping the fact that they truly haven't put forth any effort or very little at all. I guess a more accurate way of saying that is as a BS we don't put our foot down and demand transparency and don't enforce consequences when conditions for R are broken or not met at all. We can only control ourselves after all. I ate up crumbs for a long time before I woke up. So if you are defending your WW's inaction or making up excuses in your head for why she hasn't done soemthing yet then you may be in a BS FOG. They either do the work or they don't. It really is that simple.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:03 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

h0pe4ul posted 5/10/2013 09:01 AM


Yes, upon H and I R after our 2nd separation, I went into a huge fog because I was in so much pain from the EA he had with my fBF that I just couldn't process all of what I saw going on with how I really felt inside.

The pain was so intense and I was in huge denial that either of the ones I loved so dearly would hurt me like that that I rugswept a lot of things, blameshifted a lot on the OW things that really were my H fault from the get go (although she had her part to play and I did eventually assign her the correct portion of blame over time), and I worked like a madwoman to do my best to make things work on my end.

For about two to three years after we started R, which turned out to be false R because neither of us were really dealing w/the elephant in the room and their "friendship" continued on during this time, I stayed in this fog until my heart was able to start dealing w/the hard stuff. Then, little by little, I started taking steps to facing what had to be dealt with.

By that time, H was even deeper in his fog because he had the best of both worlds. However, after refusing to back down from dealing w/the issues at hand, and although he didn't give in without a fight, I was able to come completely out of my fog and have slowly watched H do the same. For the last two to three years, I am not letting anything slide and am calling things out quicker and not turning a blind eye because the pain may be too terrible to bear. I may take a little longer to approach some issues over others because I really try to make sure I am at a good place emotionally to handle what's been done or said reasonably but for the most part, nothing is being swept under the rug anymore. Nada!!!!

I think it's a defense mechanism on both ends for the most part (for the WS to justify his or her actions in his/her head to keep doing what they are doing and for the BS to try to deal with the betrayal and pain of being betrayed).

The heart can only take what it can at a time but eventually, I believe we all arrive at the place of seeing things for what they really are at our own pace.

[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 9:05 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

Sal1995 posted 5/10/2013 10:04 AM

I guess a more accurate way of saying that is as a BS we don't put our foot down and demand transparency and don't enforce consequences when conditions for R are broken or not met at all.

GREAT point, 7years. I told my wife, in writing, that I would divorce her if she lied to me again or failed to tell me something that should be disclosed. This was back in Feb.

Two nights ago I find out that she's been lying her ass off about certain things the whole time. False R. Under the conditions I set, I should divorce her. It was her choice to cheat, and her choice to lie to me after discovery. At some point a person has to suffer the consequences of bad behavior.

Of course, the complication is that the children will suffer as well for her poor choices, and continuing poor choices. I'm not sure if this a "fog", or the reality of having to choose between two evils.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 10:05 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

Pudding posted 5/10/2013 13:43 PM

Oh yeah,

I was in the fog for 3 years after he told me. Believed everything he said and then found them together again (EA the second time, but still wtf?). It zapped me out of the fog pretty quick and now I am going through what I should have gone through 3 years ago and Ithnk itis worse.

It must have been a coping mechanism at the time

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