Well, 6 months post dday and things are...better. I seem to go days between "cycling", have found good SUPPORTIVE friends, and the fog has lifted for my husband. For example, he has made this week mothers WEEK with a gift each day and a sweet note telling me how blessed he is to have me and how he looks forward to proving his faithfulness. He is finally seeing how his relationship with OW ( my ex bff) was toxic and self centered. He sees how warped their thinking was to justify their selfish actions, and he feels bad for OH ( his ex bff). Is it dumb for me to wonder if my ex bff even cares? Or does she still need to justify what she did by villianizing me? Why do I care? I want her to hurt that she hurt me. But all she cares about is my wh I presume.
Don't get me wrong, I am still more than cautious, but my guard is down a little. My therapist
reminds me that I will see the warning signs much more quickly if there is to be a next time, so to try to trust a little. I trust that I see him happy when he makes me happy. I trust that he is reading books he doesn't want to read and saying hes sorry for things for the third or fourth time with patience and love. That is nice.
I still see her running or walking in the neighborhood or see her at my daughter's dance class and it makes me shake and trigger. I ger crazy when I know my wh. Will see her, but each time he tells me full detail as soon as he gets home. He gets it, he finally gets it! I finally feel a nudging to forgive...soon I will work on it.
I saw her and her bh last week and of course she ignored me but he did too. Idk why but it felt somewhat like rejection, although I completely know why he ignored me. He is smart and working on his marriage. Of course, my ws. Lets me talk to whoever I want no questions asked. His ws has forbidden him to talk to me!
The main thing I am trying to deal with now is why I let myself go 3 years being treated the way I was. Why I didn't stand up for how I felt. Why I let them both basically tell me the way I felt was wrong when the whole time they were manipulating me so they could get what they wanted. I was so depressed, going through cancer and working to support my family while pregnant and I somehow convinced myself that this is the way husbands and best friend were supposed to act and treat me. I remember her saying many times" oh, we need to get together more often, friends have to get together to complain about their hubbys" I remember thinking that complaining shouldn't be the main reason people get together, but didn't say anything. I guess she needed ammo against me? But why didn't I ever say anything?
. I look back and think, "why did I accept that? Do ihave absolutely no self esteem?"