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6 months

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Beautifulmom posted 5/9/2013 23:18 PM

Well, 6 months post dday and things are...better. I seem to go days between "cycling", have found good SUPPORTIVE friends, and the fog has lifted for my husband. For example, he has made this week mothers WEEK with a gift each day and a sweet note telling me how blessed he is to have me and how he looks forward to proving his faithfulness. He is finally seeing how his relationship with OW ( my ex bff) was toxic and self centered. He sees how warped their thinking was to justify their selfish actions, and he feels bad for OH ( his ex bff). Is it dumb for me to wonder if my ex bff even cares? Or does she still need to justify what she did by villianizing me? Why do I care? I want her to hurt that she hurt me. But all she cares about is my wh I presume.

Don't get me wrong, I am still more than cautious, but my guard is down a little. My therapist
reminds me that I will see the warning signs much more quickly if there is to be a next time, so to try to trust a little. I trust that I see him happy when he makes me happy. I trust that he is reading books he doesn't want to read and saying hes sorry for things for the third or fourth time with patience and love. That is nice.

I still see her running or walking in the neighborhood or see her at my daughter's dance class and it makes me shake and trigger. I ger crazy when I know my wh. Will see her, but each time he tells me full detail as soon as he gets home. He gets it, he finally gets it! I finally feel a nudging to forgive...soon I will work on it.
I saw her and her bh last week and of course she ignored me but he did too. Idk why but it felt somewhat like rejection, although I completely know why he ignored me. He is smart and working on his marriage. Of course, my ws. Lets me talk to whoever I want no questions asked. His ws has forbidden him to talk to me!

The main thing I am trying to deal with now is why I let myself go 3 years being treated the way I was. Why I didn't stand up for how I felt. Why I let them both basically tell me the way I felt was wrong when the whole time they were manipulating me so they could get what they wanted. I was so depressed, going through cancer and working to support my family while pregnant and I somehow convinced myself that this is the way husbands and best friend were supposed to act and treat me. I remember her saying many times" oh, we need to get together more often, friends have to get together to complain about their hubbys" I remember thinking that complaining shouldn't be the main reason people get together, but didn't say anything. I guess she needed ammo against me? But why didn't I ever say anything?
. I look back and think, "why did I accept that? Do ihave absolutely no self esteem?"

girlsbird posted 5/9/2013 23:35 PM

Simple, you trusted these 2 people and thought they had your best interests at heart. I mean it was your husband and your bestie, and as you said they manipulated you.

betrayed5years posted 5/9/2013 23:51 PM

Beautifulmom, don't beat yourself up. We all gave "passes" to our spouse for things we did not understand, ignored all/or some of the warning signs, let ourselves accept responsibility for things we did not understand or things that hurt was all done becaused we love/loved someone that betraying us. I confront my WS more than twice over th 5 year affair and he denied, lied, and made fun of his lover to me. His deception was at a height that I would have never fathom he could have done....hind site is 20/20 and so much of the "little' things that bother me, now make sense. We don't expect betrayal of those we love...

We are in R, it is hard as we had what many viewed as the perfect marriage....even our kids. All those images are gone for those that know of the A. I have known we did not have the perfect marriage and there is not one....but we had a good marriage that my WS threw away. I will never trust him totally, I will do spot checking and he had lost all the "privileges" of being an honest man as he isn't one.

Have you discussed all the really hurtful situations that your WS caused during the A with your spouse? It could be helpful, at least it was for me as he did not even realize how I felt about situations, how I made allowances for his words, actions or lack of me it is part of openingly share each's view of the time of the affair. We each have so different prespective of situations....and those in the affair are not aware of the the chaos they are causing in their selfish actions.

I still have a problem of looking at myself in a mirror somedays....accepting that I am still with this man that betrayed me and gave me a chance, several chances to fess up...and I let him know when I am hurting now, so he knows his actions are still weighing heavy on me. I do not suffer alone or in silence now.....he has to be with me and helping to heal as he is the cause of my pain and he knows it.

Love yourself first and take care of yourself and your babies.....lots of hugs

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