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Hurt2Deeply posted 5/10/2013 00:18 AM

We have an agreement he will not masturbate due to his sexual infidelity, masturbating with porn and sexual anorexia.

He last masturbated 17 months ago. Yesterday I came home from work on his day off and discovered he had M.

He was in town when I discovered it by finding the lube out. I packed an overnight bag, confronted him and left when he arrived home. I told him I was going to my Mom's house and wouldn't be back for two days.

It hurts me when he does that as it is a rejection of me when he does that himself instead of being with me. Also he has done it with porn in the past and will likely do more things if he gets used to doing that again. The slippery slope.

Any ideas or suggestions?



JamieMc posted 5/10/2013 01:42 AM

Is it a deal-breaker for you while in R? It is for me due to my WH's escalation from porn// masturbation then leading to strip clubs/ oral sex with strippers & prostitutes:-(!t is a deal-breaker for me now. If we can't make love together, for whatever reason, and he wants to masturbate, I am involved and the one he is visualizing, not porn. He can hold me, touch me etc..., sorry if TMI. I trigger badly if he takes a long-ish shower:( All the best Jamie. Feel free to PM me if you need a friendl

Hurt2Deeply posted 5/10/2013 07:19 AM

Thank you very much Jamie. BTW that was not too much information. It helped me to hear what you think and do.

Masturbating once is not a deal breaker for me. But it will be if he continues. He needs to know I take it seriously and am opposed to it. I have made that clear and will follow up if he disregards that.

I have truly had enough. I do not plan to go back where we were. I can handle a very rare "slip" but I will not accept a relapse.

You are exactly right. Having sex with porn and refusing to have sex with me when I am eager to do so is rejection and betrayal. He didn't have porn available this time except I know he has plenty stored in his mind.

We have both worked too hard on R to give up now. I would be extremely disappointed if our marriage didn't work after all he did to betray me and all the hard work we have put into R.

However, he is not a truly beloved husband who has always been faithful, kind, honest and true. He has given me years of trouble, deep anguish and pain.

tushnurse posted 5/10/2013 07:39 AM

I get that you feel this is a slippery slope, however this is a normal human urge, it's almost like telling an obese person they can never eat again, yes there is an addiction component however I think there needs to be an "allowable" time, or component. By making it an absolute no no I think you are just opening yourself for disappointment.

Jamie's method of dealing with this issue is actually a very good one. I like that.

(((and strength))))

wannarun posted 5/10/2013 10:14 AM

Sorry, I have to agree with tushnurse on this. That's a pretty hard agreement for a man to live up to!! Women have to be loved and caressed into just get an urge and a boner and have to do something with it or they'd be walking around knocking stuff off of tables!! Lol!! I'm not trying to make light of your feelings but it could possibly be just biological masterbating and not betrayal masterbating!

idiot85 posted 5/10/2013 10:29 AM

I've already said abstaining from porn is totally fair enough and I'd never have a problem if it made the wife uncomfortable BUT I'm so sorry because I know you're hurting but- I personally don't think asking someone to stop masturbating is- dare I say- reasonable?!

Maybe TMI- I'm a grown man and I can control myself but sometimes I have to- what if it's early in the morning, no time for sex or the Mrs doesn't fancy it and I need to go to work- it's going to be quicker to have a go than it would be for it and I personally don't necessarily think of anything other than what I'm doing at the time.

Times like this I'm so pleased this is anonymous- I sound like a right wanker haha

MissesJai posted 5/10/2013 10:41 AM

I too agree with tushnurse. That's asking ALOT.

Grimwyrm posted 5/10/2013 10:46 AM

Going to chime in here b/c I'm a guy. While I'm a BH...I can also say: this is asking a lot. As someone currently sexually frustrated (we're not at a point yet where we are being physically intimate)...I've made the personal choice to not do this, but it has been extremely hard for me and I've had to do a considerable amount of praying to help prevent me from it.

libertyrocks posted 5/10/2013 10:47 AM

Me, too, hurt2. If H asked that of me, I'd flip out. and I'm a lady. lol.

Sorry, I know how much it hurts. While H having A's,he would reject me and I would cry myself to sleep bc he would watch porn and had OW. I just didn't know about the OW while it was happening. I'm sorry. I think he just needed a release. But, at least you stood your ground and I'm sure he's sorry now...Good luck!

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:48 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

JustWow posted 5/10/2013 10:49 AM

I could agree with tushnurse, too, so long as he has been evaluated by a CSAT and determined NOT to be SA. If he is SA, allowing some M is like allowing an alcoholic 1 drink.....then believing that is all it will be. And it is a lot easier to find empty beer bottles to know when an alcoholic is using, with an SA it is very difficult to know.

TXBW68 posted 5/10/2013 11:06 AM

Unless you are totally against it, why not ask him to do it with you in the room? You could let him perform for you while you give encouraging words. Or, you could help!

I've banned internet porn because my H was chatting to the women. But, I didn't ban masturbation, as I too think it's natural for all of us. What I did instead was give him pictures of me/us and a few short videos of us to use if he needs them. Hell, I use them sometimes too.

Maybe think about modifying your agreement so that he can occassionally masturbate but only using tools that will keep him away from that slippery slope.


lostmylight55 posted 5/10/2013 12:59 PM


First let me say I'm very sorry you are hurting at this time.

As someone who has experience with this and has been evaluated by a CSAT the thing that concerns me, if your husband is a SA, is if he hid the fact that he masturbated when you made it part of your R agreement not to.

Personally, I don't feel it's an unreasonable request. IMO it's a controllable action. It's usually discussed and a requirement as a component of SA recovery. You should not feel that you are asking for too much if that's what you need to avoid sexual anorexia or feel safe in your marriage. Especially if your WH sexual anorexia was caused by chronic masturbation or use of porn as his way of acting out.

The fact that you discovered this on your own shows that he is already on a slippery slope if he's a SA. He's not communicating with you. He's not showing self control. If this isn't the first time then he is hiding his actions. Feeling shame and hiding an action is the core of SA.

SA's aren't able to achieve true intimacy and masturbation doesn't promote intimacy within a relationship. Sometimes even if the spouse is there. Communication is the foundation for opening up to true intimacy.

The most important thing is that your WH has to recognize an addiction, if there is one. He needs to get help for it and know that the work is never done. Just because someone goes through an intensive program or attends a 12-step group they are not magically cured at the end. It's something that needs to be worked on for the rest of your life.

You can't control his behavior or force him to change if he's not willing. He has to want to work on this on his own for himself. You need to set boundaries and stick with them and it appears you did that by leaving.

We have an agreement he will not masturbate due to his sexual infidelity, masturbating with porn and sexual anorexia.

As a side note, I'm not trying to just emphasis SA but this is also about trust and breaking an agreement for R. How is this any different than breaking NC?

AFrayedKnot posted 5/10/2013 13:05 PM

Unless you are totally against it, why not ask him to do it with you in the room? You could let him perform for you while you give encouraging words. Or, you could help!

This is exactly what we do, both ways. No sexual gratification without the other involved in some way. If I am away on work trips the phone or video chat works.

Seriously though I think has really brought us much closer together sexually.

Hurt2Deeply posted 5/10/2013 13:49 PM

Thanks for all your input. It is nice to be anonymous!

I am not opposed to masturbation in some circumstances. But with my husband's history it bothers me. He is getting older and is not as interested in sex as he was when he was younger. So when he does that he also ignores me sexually for several days afterwards. With rejecting me sexually and my years without sex because his choices it bothers me.

Our children are grown and gone from home. We have a lot of time together now. I am very available to him.

He has less sexual interest now than I do. What do you think about my sexual desires? Do i matter? Should we both just do it by ourselves and not be concerned about each others needs?

Should I think oh he needed to do it let him do it doesn't matter that I wanted to do it with him. Because it would get that way eventually if he does it alone. That is not my idea of a good marriage.

I prefer him. He is happy with me sexually. I will talk to him about it tonight and ask if I am unreasonable.

I know he is happy he quit his inappropriate behavior as he believed it was wrong and he was not a nice man during those years and he was not happy with himself either.

Thank you for your help. You are awesome!

Kelany posted 5/10/2013 13:56 PM

My husband is a sa, and its their recommendation in 12 step sa groups to abstain from masturbation because it can trigger compulsive thoughts. It is a slippery slope.

For us, any sexual gratification is done together.

Greatlakes posted 5/10/2013 13:56 PM

I have to agree with some of the other responses here, for some guys (including myself....embarrassing to say) the urge just gets in your mind and is hard to get rid of. For me (when I (bs) and wife (ws) were happier together) it was the stupid Victorias Secret catalogs that they send so many of...but it was always seeing something beautiful and then picturing my wife in that setting/clothing whatever. So even though the pictures triggered it, the masturbation was always focused on my wife. I think that is the important thing.

Hurt2Deeply posted 5/10/2013 13:56 PM

My husband told me he thought he was a Sex addict when we started counseling. I do not know that the therapist called him one.

I took him seriously when he told me that. I still do.

webmistress posted 5/10/2013 14:00 PM

I think, even as BS's, we have to manage our expectations. Unless your H has a serious sexual deviance (child pornography or sexual assault), I think it would be really challenging to take masturbation off the table. This wouldnt even be negotiable for my XWH. Even the suggestion of mutual masturbation, while I'm sure just about any man would readily agree to it, doesn't eliminate the need for them to fly solo when necessary.

Not to minimize your feelings about it, because we all have our pain associated with betrayal. So I totally understand the idea in theory, but in practice, I think you'll be packing your bags a lot. Are you two in MC? Are you in IC? A good therapist, someone who specializes in infidelity, might have suggestions to help you deal with the triggers and find solutions that are comfortable for both of you and keep R on track.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/10/2013 14:05 PM

My WS is a SA so unless he is going to do it with me then it is an absolute no in my house.
If he wasn't a SA and it didn't affect him wanting sex with me I probably wouldn't mind, but that isn't the case in my M so it really is up to the individual and if it bothers you, he should stop doing it without you being involved.

Hrtbrken1 posted 5/10/2013 14:29 PM

We have an agreement he will not masturbate due to his sexual infidelity, masturbating with porn and sexual anorexia.

I think I'm going to be in the minority on this, but I think it is very reasonable to ask him to not masturbate, especially if you're not there. It's a VERY slippery slope. And he didn't tell you. This is something that was agreed upon, and instead of talking to you he took the easy way out. My husband and I also have a "no jerking-off alone" agreement. That's just the price he has to pay for cheating. Porn was the first step down his path, until the masturbation became easier then connecting with his wife.

I gotta call bullshit with that "it's a natural urge" and "it's too much to ask"? Are we beasts? Can we not vocalize our needs? If he was doing it to porn would people still be ok with this?

I have to admit, I'm pretty disturbed that he did this. I would see it as a breach of NC. Why? Because they had an agreement, and porn/masturbation in itself becomes just another type of AP when the spouse isn't involved.

And to say he has to do it, because he's a man, is just downright silly.


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