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lostGeek posted 5/10/2013 03:39 AM

I'm a WS, with a DD of Aug 2012. This is my first post as i only recently became aware of this site. I am sad to say it is too late to save my M as it appears I have ended it due to my lack of emotional control in dealing with the anger that my BS is working though.

Had I found this site months ago i believe I could have been more effective and supportive for her.

I just didn't have knowledge, insight and tools to know how best to help. Karma I guess.

I am not posting this for sympathy or pity, but rather out of lack of any other place in my life where i believe I can be understood or where I can even get this out in the open. As my BS, understandably, is not available for supporting me.

I am committed to R, however I don't know how to deal with the emotions of failure, responsibility, remorse and self doubt that I harbor and seem to have no end.

The A has become how I am defined both by myself and from my perspective, by her.

I have felt subhuman for so long, its difficult to remember what I am really like.

I don't know how i can both be supportive, healing and completely available to heal her, and at the same time be able to tend to my own problems that feel like they are crushing me. Serving her healing vrs. healing myself.

I know her healing is more important.

I have read most all of the healing library yesterday. of course I really identified with most of the topics that are WS related. I do very much understand my role in healing my BS, and how I am solely responsible for putting her into this situation. I want to have her heal above all else. I know there is no timeline for this.

sorry for the rambling, all-over-the-map post, its been a roller coaster ride, and its beating me.

[edited: corrected abbreviations]

[This message edited by lostGeek at 3:48 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

authenticnow posted 5/10/2013 05:06 AM

Hi LostGeek,

Welcome to SI.

It sounds like you have the desire to R but not the tools. I'm glad you found us!

Keep reading.

I encourage you not to give up on yourself or your M so easily. So many things you said are screaming IC. (individual counseling) Are you in IC to work on these issues?


lostGeek posted 5/10/2013 06:22 AM

Yes, i was very quick to want to go to IC after DD. Quite unlike my 'normal' personality actually. I've been going for better than six months now. Initially we discussed more 'tactical' or day-to-day issues, now i indent on bringing this up in IC.

Wouldn't having sessions that focus on me be 'selfish' or at least would be perceieved by BW as being self-serving and not about her?

We also started going to tharapist together, that's only been three times now. supposed to go later today, but last night she told me not to show up (which dissapoints me, but i understand where she is coming from). i find the sessions very helpful; but we can't or don't get in as often as i'd like. heck i'd go weekly if i could get scheduled.

I really start to fail her when we are on our own, and she starts a discussion regarding the why's of what i did. I am beginning to think this is a trigger for me in that I freak out about an impending horrible arguement that is very painful for her (and I). in those anxious situations, all the calm, helpful side of me goes out the window unfortunatly.

In a mediated situation i do so much better as I know there is a third party that will stop us when we get off the productive-track.

My BS is very careful to not really give me any positive feed back on if my day-to-day attempts at serving her are helpful, which makes me resentful. I am not looking for pats on the back or atta-boys, but rather constructive feedback on if i am doing any good or harm in my actions.

I have tried to explain my perspective to her, but not much has changed, but then again, that's not really an expectation of mine, just a frustration.

I am so beat down from all of this, that i guess i am paranoid that everything i do not helpful. I sure know i see a lot of hurt and not much healing (visible healing at least).

Thanks for the kind and supportive words, they truely mean more than you might know.

BaxtersBFF posted 5/10/2013 08:58 AM

Hi lostgeek,

I know you're struggling with it, but there shouldn't be any arguments right now. You know what you did, so does your BW, there shouldn't be an arguement about that subject, just apologies.

It sounds like your BW is doing a bit of a 180 on you. It's for her own protection, not to punish you.

Keep doing the work on yourself. It does seem sort of selfish, but it is necessary to show your BW that you want to make these changes for you, not just because she is "forcing" you to do it.

Come here for support and understanding.

[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 9:05 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

lostGeek posted 5/10/2013 09:09 AM

BaxtersBFF: not sure what the 180 is/would be.

but a bit of clarification regarding the arguments. t

typically i make a comment or response to a question in a conversation, and she interprets it one way and my intention/meaning was another.

I do know the responsibility of accuracy, truth and effective communication is on my side, I try and rephrase my response to better get my intention across and it goes down hill from there. frustration on both our parts.

I do appolize, i do reiterate my responsibility, sorrow and remorse for the act that i choose to do, a consequence that she had absolutely no say in or part in making.

I am just trying to be a clear and effective communicator. and obviously doing a poor job.

lostGeek posted 5/10/2013 09:13 AM

I should also add that, obviously, the arguments are my fault and responsibility. She's just trying to come to terms with everything.

It's just helpful to me to be able to air my feeling.

I am learning more and more with every post i read, and re-read.

Finally10 posted 5/10/2013 15:22 PM

I am committed to R, however I don't know how to deal with the emotions of failure, responsibility, remorse and self doubt that I harbor and seem to have no end.

I know these feelings well. I refer to them as my shame cave. Living there is nothing more or less than totally toxic to any hope for healing. Stuck in the mud of self flagellation is a waste of time for someone trying to heal a relationship.

A couple of months ago, they were most intense and finally led to a realization that if I wanted my relationship to repair, I had to share those feeling with my BS. I adopted a position of "whats the worst that can happen?" and weighed it against the "marriage is over" scenario and quickly realized that any feelings of shame or embarassment were nothing compared to my desire to rebuild my relationship with my wife. After that and some intensive discussions with my IC about shame, I feel like I have come a bit out of my shell and talk more openly, less defensively, and more importantly with more empathy. My BS's reaction has been wonderful.

There is a thread in General I started titled "Thoughts on Shame" See if it helps you figure out what to do next.

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