I'm finding it quite natural to talk and open up so it's making me feel good about going, I think I'm enjoying spending a couple of hours a week discussing my thought processes. I say 'think' because I'm not wholly content with the verb 'enjoy' but it's cathartic. I must say it's probably a mixture of counselling and no more pethidine.
This week has been pretty rough, exhausting in fact but although there have been dreadful seonds, minutes, hours. I haven't felt as despairing as I would have done over the past few weeks, months, even years maybe. This has meant even at times when I've felt like I can't say or do anything to help my husband, yes I've been exhausted and overwhelmed but never vanquished. I didn't want to run away, quite the opposite in fact.
One thing in counselling she discussed in both sessions this week is sex. She seems to think I always view it as a physical act and can separate any emotional attachment to it. This is true, I know I can but what was troubling was that from what I said she believes even when I'm 'making love' with my husband she thinks that's for him not me. She said I know what's expected so behave differently but she thinks for me, it's still 'just' a physical act. I know it's so very personal to say but... During love making I think about pleasuring my husband and making him feel good whilst making sure I enjoy it too. The counsellor acted like that wasn't the appropriate answer. It's difficult to explain but she had a look in her eye then said "what's the difference between that and when you had a 'quickie' with him other than doing things physically differently for example holding him closer, moving slower". Of course, there isn't a difference, right? I'm guessing I'm wrong but I don't see it right now.
It's confusing, I've never thought about it before
Any thoughts or opinions would be very much appreciated...