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Counselling seems to be helping and possible too much info!

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Sienna500 posted 5/10/2013 05:38 AM

I'm finding it quite natural to talk and open up so it's making me feel good about going, I think I'm enjoying spending a couple of hours a week discussing my thought processes. I say 'think' because I'm not wholly content with the verb 'enjoy' but it's cathartic. I must say it's probably a mixture of counselling and no more pethidine.

This week has been pretty rough, exhausting in fact but although there have been dreadful seonds, minutes, hours. I haven't felt as despairing as I would have done over the past few weeks, months, even years maybe. This has meant even at times when I've felt like I can't say or do anything to help my husband, yes I've been exhausted and overwhelmed but never vanquished. I didn't want to run away, quite the opposite in fact.

One thing in counselling she discussed in both sessions this week is sex. She seems to think I always view it as a physical act and can separate any emotional attachment to it. This is true, I know I can but what was troubling was that from what I said she believes even when I'm 'making love' with my husband she thinks that's for him not me. She said I know what's expected so behave differently but she thinks for me, it's still 'just' a physical act. I know it's so very personal to say but... During love making I think about pleasuring my husband and making him feel good whilst making sure I enjoy it too. The counsellor acted like that wasn't the appropriate answer. It's difficult to explain but she had a look in her eye then said "what's the difference between that and when you had a 'quickie' with him other than doing things physically differently for example holding him closer, moving slower". Of course, there isn't a difference, right? I'm guessing I'm wrong but I don't see it right now.

It's confusing, I've never thought about it before

Any thoughts or opinions would be very much appreciated...

SandAway posted 5/10/2013 06:57 AM

I may be way off, but here are my thoughts.

IC isn't the holy grail of knowing it all. They all speak from what they have learned as well as their beliefs. It doesn't mean that they know you better then you know yourself. They do however, help us look at things from a different perspective.

Yes, sex is a physical act no matter who your with. But for her to assume that its the same with your husband? I just don't buy that, she doesn't know. She may just want you to think about it, but only YOU know how you are feeling while making love to your BH. There is much more of an emotional connection that a husband & wife share. So much more.

I do think its good that she is giving you things to really think about.

atsenaotie posted 5/10/2013 07:53 AM


...believes even when I'm 'making love' with my husband she thinks that's for him not me.

This is true of FWW. Sex for her is not about love and emotional intimacy, it is an activity. Since dday and IC I know she has worked on this some, but I can still tell that her feelings about the sex act are different than mine. During sex I feel close, I enjoy the holding, I enjoy the commitment. While she is better at "pretending" now, if things get too intimate or loving FWW will break the mood by suggesting or doing something kinky or "porn star like" (usually demeaning to her) which I believe is her way to change it back into a physical act she performs for me as opposed to intimacy.

She much prefers a quickie as opposed to spending extended time.

She has sex because she “feels horny”, not as a way to maintain an intimate connection. The only time she initiates sex when she is not feeling aroused is if she feel guilty or otherwise wants to placate me about something.

It continues to be a problem for us that physical touch, including sex, is my primary love language, when I feel the most connected to FWW. I guess on the positive side there really was nothing special to her about sex with the OM. It too was just a physical act and method of control.

Sienna500 posted 5/10/2013 07:56 AM

I beleve she was referring to all types of sex with my husband being the same, as in she doesn't think I see it as being an emotional loving experience, instead just a physical act.

It has got me thinking and I do view it as physical, I don't think about love 'during' but I would after, or before. I thought that's normal but she's made think it might not be? I don't know.

I don't think she knows it all but she has got me talking and I'm pleased about that. I went in there a mute and now I'm opening up more.

I just wanted to add that I know my husband takes pleasure from intimacy, kisses and holding close so that's what I do. I'm not pretending, I want him to get enjoyment and I figured it was the closeness rather than 'love' as such. I on't think i'd be able to concentrate if I was thinking about how much I love him. Maybe it is me

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 8:07 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

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