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How do you learn to trust?

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bikerider827 posted 5/10/2013 08:48 AM

My Dday was April 17th. The OP is a co-worker to the WS. They are still working together. We have gone to 3 MC sessions which have been productive. My WS is also going to private counseling. After catching them via cell phone bills my WS started calling the OP on the home phone, which I then caught on to. The MC told my WS that this needs to end or it is a waste of time. That was a week ago. He keeps telling me its over but I see the suspicious behavior continuing and I don't know if I am reading to much into it. I realize it is hard to consistently being asked where are you going, are you with someone, etc. I don't feel I have total transparency from him or if I am just hyper-sensitive to every one of his actions.

My WS is also going through a major midlife crisis at age 56. He is retired with a lot of time on his hands too.

I want to trust again. How long does it take? Can it ever be like it was before? What did you do to help you in the trusting phase of reconciliation? Any tidbit of information to help me would be great. Thank you.

tushnurse posted 5/10/2013 09:13 AM

You learn to trust when you have true remorse and honesty, transparency.
You are very early on in this. Broken NC is a common thing, not that it makes it ok, but is does seem to take a few false starts for R to take.

If your gut is screaming at you that something is not right, then it is probably correct. Keep digging, keep looking, and call him out on anything that you deem unacceptable.

As far as having extra time, and MLC he needs to find a hobby other than having an A to fill his time, golf, fishing, hiking, cooking and cleaning whatever. He needs to get busy so his mind is wandering back to the A, and how good it made him feel.

To answer your questions
"How long does it take?" It takes as long as it takes WS to be honest, be committed and transparent, plus time. In my case it was a year. Someone else said this earlier this week, and I think it's an accurate description "Each time you snoop, or dig, and find nothing its like a $1.00 in the trust bank" It takes a lot of dollars to feel safe again.

"Can it ever be like it was before?" No - Your M will never be the same. I will have a scar forever. Does that mean it will be forever broken, NO it does not. Our M is better now post R than it was for several years pre A .
"What did I do to help in the trusting phase?"
I allowed H to feel safe when he was really out of the fog and NC was securely established for a while. I thanked him each time he told me OW was fishing and trying to talk w/ him.
That's it. The rest is on him.

The WS has to do the work, they have to realize what they have done, the damage they caused, and be remorseful for it, and be absolutely transparent in their actions.


Skan posted 5/10/2013 15:26 PM

I was asking my FWH more questions this morning, and one of the things that he told me, at the end of the session, was, I'm happy to go back and answer your questions at any time. I want you to trust me again. I want to be worthy of being trusted. I really, really, want to be a trusted person again. That really touched me.

Thing is, I do trust him about 90% now. My gut hasn't screamed at me since about August. He's been making those small deposits in our account for almost a year now. He has never, not one time, been anything but utterly transparent and honest to me, for about 9 months now. I had a few occasions when I just paniced, because I thought he wasn't where he was supposed to be, or he forgot a check-in. He did everything right, he showed me that he was doing what he was supposed to be doing without getting smug or nasty about it, and he apologized and got me "proof" that he was where and with who he was supposed to be when he forgot a check-in. No hostility, no "get over its," just the facts. And that's why we're at 90% now.

Unless you feel and/or know you have utter transparency, your questions are being answered, and you are getting those regular trust deposits, then it's too early to trust. Trusting too early, I think, is not a gift to either of you. For the WS, it may indicate to them that if they do token work, all is forgiven. For the BS, it usually means buried stress that will burst out at some point. Give yourself the gift of feeling what you need to feel and being open about it. Give your WS the gift of earning trust back. Once they start earning that trust back, you will get less sensative. I don't obcessively check his text messages, computer history, email, etc. any more. I don't mark down a number on our calendar every day to remind me of how many days it's been since DDay, which I did for months in angry, red markers. When our tracker goes haywire, I don't drive to the locations that it says he's at any more I send him a text and we joke about it. But it takes time, and work, and real consistant effort.

Be gentle with yourself. ((hugs))

bikerider827 posted 5/14/2013 15:29 PM

Thank you for responding to my post. I feel I need all the help I can get. This has been the worst 4 weeks of my life and as much as I want to believe my husband I still get that gut feeling that something isn't right. I keep telling him he needs to be totally transparent like the MC says but I just dont see that happening (though he says it is). Reading everyone else's posts helps a lot. I am glad I found this site.

The tears are less frequent now and the anger has set in. One day at a time. Time will tell if he is genuine and wants our marriage to work.

Thank you again.

Rebreather posted 5/14/2013 15:43 PM

Basically your husband is still engaged in an affair, so no, you shouldn't trust him. Not in the least.

You said he was retired, but the affair was with a coworker? Those affairs are tough to break, and you will be fighting an uphill battle as long as he works with her. I would demand he quit or seek employment elsewhere.

Deman he go no contact, and send her a formal no contact letter. Be on the lookout for a secret cell phone as that is usually their next avenue to hide things.

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/14/2013 15:57 PM

I'm almost three months from d-day. My WW broke NC twice, but now says she's committed to R. I believe it now even though she was saying that since being found out. What changed for me? How I felt inside. Trust your gut.

We unconsciously pick up on everything our partners do. You'll know when you can trust him again. If you don't feel you can't that's because you can't.

It's OK not to trust your partner and it doesn't 't mean you're not both working toward R. Sometimes wayward partners break NC without sex because they need closure. It's horrible, it's wrong, it's unfair but they did introduce a new person into their - and our - lives. Getting rid of that person may take more than one try, however wrong or unfair that is.

That's the ugly truth.

For me, going to MC made this closure manageable and bearable. It still hurt a lot and it doesn't mean I'm ready to forgive.

You're not going to move on any time soon. Strengthen yourself for the ride.

sisoon posted 5/14/2013 17:06 PM

I trust my W on some things (I'm as certain as I can be that she'll be monogamous, for example), but not on others. Our MC says not trusting my W, who was remorseful from the moment she confessed on D-Day, makes perfect sense to her, even though I'm 28 months out.

I didn't even commit to R until I saw 90 days of remorse, and even though R has gone well, waiting longer would have been better.

Protect yourself, br827.Let your H show his true colors, and trust him only when you're sure the colors are all out and you like 'em.

bikerider827 posted 5/15/2013 13:39 PM

Thank you for the additional responses. Like I have said, reading everyone else's story has helped me tremendously in dealing with my new day to day life.

Rebreather - my husband is a retired cop who does a little personal training in the local gym. The OP is an instructor as well. He isn't going to quit this part time job b/c it gives me a little extra spending cash. Initially when he went out looking for part-time work no one wanted to hire someone his age (go figure b/c I would think most companies would like a retired cop on their payroll). I told him he could continue his little gig at the gym but he is to cut contact and any talk to her is on a professional level. The problem is that is a small gym and not only do they work a class together she comes and takes one of his classes. Believe me, I am not happy about it but I have to believe that he is keeping their conversations brief and professional. People now know what happened between the two of them in the gym which just has to make her uncomfortable since these people know me as well. Regardless, he told her that they can't be friends and talk anymore and that it is over. I work on trying to believe him, which is a struggle every day. I have asked him about a 2nd cell phone (since that was how I caught him in the first place) and he swears he doesn't have one and I havent seen one (and believe me, I have looked). He always tells me I should have been a cop b/c I am a real good detective when it comes to digging around for things.

FeelingSoMuch - You arent kidding when you say it is the ugly truth re: breaking the NC rule. My gut tells me that they have still met for coffee since he told her they were done but I can't prove it. He swears he hasnt but then will say to me "so I guess I can't go for a cup of coffee with OP" and I want to die. Are you kidding me? It amazes and shocks me that he thinks it was a harmless friendship.

Sisoon - I have committed to a R and my H says he is too (trust issue though will determine this). This is my first marriage (and I swear my last if this one doesnt survive). It may have been to soon to commit as I like your idea of 90 days but I just didnt know how to handle this when it fell on top of me last month. I just knew I had to try and save it, rather than walking away, so that I could say "I tried."

I wish I had discovered this site a month ago to help me with all of this. Thank you again for your comments.

hurtbutmending posted 5/15/2013 19:17 PM

You do not learn to trust.

Trust is earned by the WS by being trustworthy.

[This message edited by hurtbutmending at 7:17 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Titanium posted 5/15/2013 21:07 PM

me and WH are 9 months into R and he has broken NC twice. Texting and FB messages both I have discovered. he did not confess to this or share.

We are doing it tough and although I think the fog has finally cleared for him my trust levels are zero. A recent argument with me throwing shit at him made him change his FB password just to piss me off although I got 3 different excuses.

Trust level = below zero. Such a shame really. he is so weak but I have to pay attention to the small things he is doing as I think he doesn't really quite know what to do to heal me.

I make it incredibly hard for him. he worked with her and I found porn photos of them together, love letter, blah blah blah....really disgusting stuff.

He also defended her for a longtime which has really hurt and we only now can talk abut the A in very short bursts.

I don't check the phone bills or FB nearly as much or drive to destinations. It's incredibly hard when they are out and about but I am focusing more on myself now. I think you have too at some point or healing is impossible.

Go with your gut. I still do and will for a very longtime. I also don't have any hesitation in confronting him about my suspicions now. Best that way or they eat you alive.

If my WH isn't on board with that then I will drop him off at the next port.... You will get stronger. I think for some WH it takes a while for them to get over the A and then find the strength to deal with it directly with their BS.....It's a process for both and a confusing one at that.

Keep checking, stay vigilent if you feel the need. There's nothing wrong with that.

But do not forget to put yourself first....self preservation!!

Wishing you the best!!

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