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Joanh posted 5/10/2013 10:35 AM

It's one of those days, where it is hard to see if things will ever be betterI know we are still pretty fresh and my BH is still trying to adjust and so am I to our reality i have caused. I just keep hearing the same things from him and I don't know if it will change. He still says its only about sex. Wouldn't that be nice if that was all it was:-( Simple remedy, add some spice. Its me not knowing how to deal with stress of life. running away from the real world used it like a drug. I keep thinking or feeling like I'm in recovery for an addiction. When I'm stressed and depressed I shut down I close off and I runaway. Loose my want to fight or to see logic. I just want to feel better. That's the stupid thing. The whole time I would be thinking I wish it was my H not this guy we are doing things together. I wanted to be free to say what I was feeling and not feel stupid. Yes my perspective on life is a little screwed up. I know I'm trying to figure it out. Yes my childhood sucked and the last time I remeber being carefree and happy was about 12:-( I think I know why I kept going back when I knew it was wrong. It was a release from life. Instead getting high or drunk I had an affair. Somewhere safe. I hid it I never wanted to be found out. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want anything from the OM. I just wanted a release from the depression and the stress! How do I explain that. I allready look and feel like an idiot and worthless. Is this even understandable. or real . Or is it myself just trying to come with reasons. I'm ready to crawl back into my hole and stay there. When I see my BH struggling so hard to keep his compusure. To continue showing me love and and affection. I just want to run away. and hide. I know this is my pennance. And I hope it will be enough to , I'don't know ...6 months is a hard place to be and the time line says its going to get worse:-( I'm scared, where do you find the stregnth to hold your spouse and yourself and your family up!

knightsbff posted 5/10/2013 12:02 PM

Joanh,
No advice...just hugs.
Sending prayers and strength your way. ((((Joanh))))

Unagie posted 5/10/2013 12:09 PM

Hugs and positive feelings sent your way. I'm there too, been there 2 weeks now.

SandAway posted 5/10/2013 13:39 PM

where do you find the strength to hold your spouse and yourself and your family up

You just do. Day by day by day.

Just remember NOT to crawl back in that hole - keep your head up while working on yourself. Don't let that negative voice in your head take you back. You can be strong, it isn't easy, but you can! Think of your kids - laugh with them, play silly games, start working out, find a new hobby. YOU need to do something for YOU. I know its tough, but you will get through this. Promise

Joanh posted 5/10/2013 14:02 PM

Thank you for your support. Another big discussion trying to explain my thoughts. I can't imagine being him trying to look at me as a person as a wife. He says it disgusts him, it does me too. He doesn't know how he should feel towards me or how to treat me. He can't see how I could be with others when he believed I didn't like sex. I know I used it . alot of the time I felt resentful so yah did not do my wifely duties. I know I want to be here, and I love him, but I don't want a marriage that will end up being one sided. We don't deserve that. He says nothing in him says to leave. he just doesn't know how he should treat me or feel about me. And I have no idea what to do about that. I mentioned some of the thought processes other BS use to stop the movies in their heads and the deciding factor they were willing to cross over and allow themselves to be loved and cared for by the WS and that their distance from their WS kept them from going forward. Was that too much info? and I pushing him away? or pushing him too hard. I don't know. When is to much honesty too much.
We discussed the fact I don't miss the AP infact I hate him at this point, and yes I do feel betrayed by him as he was a friend but didn't act as a friend. I know it was me who crossed the line as well. And my BH had nothing to do with I know. It just feels like a merry go round right now and we will never get off it. Thank you for your support and encouragement.

SandAway posted 5/10/2013 15:00 PM

He should treat you like his wife. Yes, it probably disgusts him at times, but he can either learn to work though that or not. It just might be a deal breaker for him. But he needs help though this process also - not just you.

When is to much honesty too much.

Never - you can't afford to shut down again.

Have you talked to him about joining SI? I think it would help him tremendously - knowing he is not alone, especially as a BH. It would be a great place for him to vent out his frustrations. You can't heal him. You can be there beside him, helping him, but he needs some type of outside support, whether here on SI, a friend, or IC. I know you said he doesn't want to go to MC, but honestly you guys need it. Actually, IC would probably help him more at this point.

hatefulnow posted 5/11/2013 16:28 PM

Joann, mega hugs!