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Thinking the worst

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twodoves posted 5/10/2013 10:47 AM

I emailed WH and told him that I want to schedule a polygraph test because he didn't come clean on his own, and i want to know that i know the whole story,

He responded by asking what the name of the place was, and i replied that the correct response would be ' Yes, I will take a polygraph to prove to you that i've been honest and am not hidng anything.'

He replied back that he doesn't know what the correct response to anything is anymore, but it's fine and he'll take it.

I told him by not just agreeing to it right away that it seems like he's still hiding something.

He hasn't replied yet even though he's read it, and now i'm worried that there really IS more to everything.

What do you guys think?

libertyrocks posted 5/10/2013 10:52 AM

From my experience, there's always more. It just depends how much you want to know.

It took 6 months for H to get it all out. And, every time, he said that was all of it. Whatever. H said he "didn't want to hurt me." Well, little did he know, the hurt actually stretched out for 6 months rather than just confessing everything. TT is the worst. A's are no fun. Sometimes, I wish it were just a ONS and he confessed it to me. But, nope, he had 3year long PA's and a LTA with 7 OW and it took him 6 months to tell me that.

Good luck. Hopefully, he will disclose everything to you. It's only then can you start the healing process.

Sorry your here with us, twodoves. (hug)

twodoves posted 5/10/2013 11:17 AM

Well it's official. There was more. I feel sick

SoVerySadNow posted 5/10/2013 11:21 AM


Theunwilling posted 5/10/2013 11:23 AM

Just wanted u to know I'm thinking if u . I'm sorry ur here. Just remember u deserve the truth.

OneFootForward posted 5/10/2013 11:34 AM

Did he take the test or did he "confess" at the door? I say this because, sometimes, the "deathbed" confession is still not the whole truth.

I am praying for you.

Pass posted 5/10/2013 11:36 AM

I'm sorry to hear there was still more, twodoves. You don't deserve what he did to you, but it's good to see that you are taking control.

Just because he told you more, doesn't mean there won't be more. You should still go through with the polygraph if you want to know.

He probably just told you a little more in hopes that you would think you don't need to polygraph him.

solus sto posted 5/10/2013 11:45 AM

(((twodoves))) "Thinking the worst" is actually a pretty wise approach, early in the game; while it's not unheard-of, few WSs tell the whole truth right away. Many never do.

I am so, so sorry you've learned more hurtful information.

In your shoes, I would go ahead and schedule a polygraph. There is a pretty stereotypical pattern in which the WS tells just enough to "get out of trouble" in the moment. In other words, the information you've just learned likely is not the whole truth.

For me, infidelity was not the dealbreaker. It was the lies and self-protection (and protection of OWs, at my expense) that put the final nails in the coffin.

Your husband may not know how very detrimental TT is to reconciliation. He may be doing what many do: offering info in little dribs and drabs--telling himself, after each revelation, "See? Look at her response! If I told her everything, she [fill in the blank]." (The blank might be filled with, "would divorce me right away," "couldn't handle it," or any of a million of rationalizations used to excuse TT.)

I would tell your husband that you appreciate that he offered new details, but that, given that he only did so when a polygraph was being discussed, you are not confident that you have the entire story.

I'd ask him to write a timeline---starting with the very first boundary he crossed (whether it was talking himself into saying hello to another woman, or giving himself permission to make a work email a little too personal, or whatever), even if it involves women you do not yet know of. I would ask that he list, chronologically, EVERY instance in which he was inappropriate with other women (or men, if he has talked badly about you to friends--an action that represents betrayal and paves the way for infidelity), and once he's completed the chronology, to go back and fill in details: what happened (including graphic sexual detail), how he felt about it, how he justified it in his mind, what he told you he was doing during those times (my husband, for example, used "job interview" and "business trip" and awful lot).

Tell him that you expect a bare-bones version (perhaps just the chronology) within a specified time frame. Let him know that you expect him, for the rest of your marriage, to fill in the details as they come to him (because "I don't remember" is common and, quite probably, true---but the more he examines his actions, the more he will remember).

And then tell him that you will still schedule a poly.

He told you more, but the odds that he told you all are slim.

And you just can't reconcile---move forward constructively in a new marriage--if there are secrets and lies forming a barrier between you.

doesitgetbetter posted 5/10/2013 12:13 PM


I'm so sorry that there's more. Experience leads me to believe that this isn't even the bottom of it either. You've already had 2 DDays, today might be your 3rd. This is absolutely why you were receiving some comments about not renewing vows so early with a WS. I still would recommend waiting for quite some time (more than a year).

There is likely more TT to come. I would still set up the poly. Parking lot confessions are totally common... the WS will confess to something that is totally awful in hopes that the BS will believe that since they admitted to something so awful, there couldn't possibly be more, and then the BS will call off the poly. Don't fall for it. Go through with the poly. It's classic WS behavior to try to get out of a poly at all costs while appearing to be on board with taking one.

Try to get as much rest as you can and eat as much as you can for that precious little baby in your tummy. Do whatever you can to take your mind off of this horrible nightmare that is your life right now, and relax for that little one. I'm so very sorry twodoves!

twodoves posted 5/10/2013 12:15 PM

We weren't planning on doing a vow renewal anytime soon.

We were planning it for after we were already in a solid R.

I just wasn't sure about the logistics of it. We're not religious people, and we come from two different faiths anyway.

twodoves posted 5/10/2013 12:16 PM

I didn't schedule one yet, i just told him today that I wanted to. I still absolutely plan on going through with it when i have the money. It's 450 bucks

avicarswife posted 5/11/2013 01:15 AM

From my experience, there's always more.

My experience too.

I wish experienced polygraph examiners were available here in NZ. TT is torture.

If that is what you want, don't back out, at least you will know if you have been told everything.


twodoves posted 5/12/2013 20:05 PM

I'm worried about polygraph testing now after reading more about it. I'm going to ask my therapist if there are some other options out there.

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