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toasted22 posted 5/10/2013 16:21 PM

My BS asked me today how often do I think about getting in contact with OW.

It has been a year since DD and I have not been in contact other than shortly after DD I sent a message via mutual friend.

I said that it is about once a fortnight but I battle it off by saying 'She is not my friend and she is not a friend of the marriage'

BS believes that I should not be having these thoughts after a year. The thoughts are getting less frequent and don't have the same power behind them.

I haven't raised this in IC as we have had so much else to work through.

In your opinion, after a year from DD should I still be having these thoughts?

SandAway posted 5/10/2013 16:41 PM

I completely agree with you BS.

Why do you think of contacting her so often? What would you say?

Edited to add:

By wanting to talk to her - even though you don't - it keeps your mind in the A, your still emotionally tied to her with these thoughts. She should become indifferent to you. You shouldn't care about her and how she is doing or what she is doing.

[This message edited by SandAway at 4:45 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

Aubrie posted 5/10/2013 16:46 PM

Physical NC is one thing.

Mental NC is another.

Doing both forms of NC is crucial.

Theradin posted 5/10/2013 16:47 PM

BS here -
I'm certainly no expert, but I would wager a bet that you may still have unresolved feelings about your AP. You may likely "miss her" still, and haven't gotten to the point to see that in conjunction with your AP, massive damage, pain and emotional abuse was inflicted upon your BW by your A. Once all that truly "clicks", and sets in, it is highly unlikely that you will ever want to even THINK of the OW, let alone even try to communicate with her.

Have you explored that yet? Do you feel you have unresolved feelings for your AP?

toasted22 posted 5/10/2013 17:46 PM

It's 'clicking' in. Recognising it for what it was. Abusive.

Stopping the curiosity, letting it go and kicking it out the door.

The power of it isn't there any more.

thanks

JKL Vikings posted 5/13/2013 10:03 AM

HI toasted.
Now it is GOOD news that these thoughts are fewer and further between. That they have less power over you is even better. But it is CRUCIAL to achieve emotional and mental NC too. We all like things nice and neat. In some cases it's just not possible or practical. Don't worry about closure with the OW. Please allow me to share a couple of tips and some hard-gained knowledge.
1.Giving OW head-space is as damaging and hurtful(imagine for every thought of OW your wife takes a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris) as if you went out and f'ed her again. We WH may not see it this way but I can GUARNTEE you your W DOES.
2. INDIFFERENCE, not hate, is what you're shooting for? Why? HATE is an EMOTION. This gives OW head-space and takes ENERGY. Give her neither. Show your wife that SHE is the one. You can do this. Holler or PM anytime.
HTH
JKL

toasted22 posted 5/14/2013 02:07 AM

Thanks JKL Vikings, I like the thought of indifference. I don't want to 'hate' anyone because as you say it eats up to much energy.

I have no real desire for contact. Its more a fleeting thought that comes every now and again.

thanks once again

scared&stronger posted 5/14/2013 07:14 AM

My fWS says it took him about 3 years to let her go mentally because he felt we were not making progress. I was still triggering daily and he felt that he wanted his fantasy back. He did not want to face the work. It literally took 3 or 4 years for his head to completely slid out of his behind.

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