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Need help pulling myself out of a hole

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smittennomore posted 5/10/2013 17:59 PM

5 months from DDay... story in profile.

R has been going really well. We are both in IC/MC and he is seeing a CSAT. He is truly remorseful, and committed to helping me heal. Full NC has been maintained. There have been a few bumps in the road, but nothing we couldn't handle.

I don't know what my problem is, but the last 5 days have probably been the lowest point I have had since this whole thing started. Interestingly enough, just before I fell into this bad place, I would say that we were almost back to normal intimately. Intimacy has been the largest road block in our R, as WH really did a number on both himself and me. He has had issues with both achieving and maintaining an erection, blamed me for that while he was still in the A, told me I was unattractive right after I had our son because I had "changed" physically, etc. Our intimacy problems continued after the affair ended. He was in a fog for a bit and continued to tell me that his erection issues were because he was comparing me to OW while we were having sex and I just didn't measure up. Ugh. Makes me ill to even think about.

Needless to say, this left me with some major self-esteem issues that were compounded by his ongoing issues. He has worked hard in counseling, totally owns how wrong he was in the things he both thought and said to me, and now recognizes that the issues he is struggling with are directly related to the shame he feels about himself.

Regardless, we have worked hard on regaining our intimate life. We have had sex, or spent "intimate" time together pretty much daily since the A came out(taking a shower or bath together, kissing, touching each other more frequently, talking to each other and sending emails more sexual in nature, etc).

Last week, it really seemed like WH turned a corner. Things spiced up, they seemed to be getting back to normal, and I was so relieved and excited.

And then I just shut down. I don't even know if it's related to the sex stuff, but I just disconnected and I can't seem to get myself back to where it was. I have tried being angry, crying, spending time by myself, spending time with him, enjoying my children, etc all in an effort to get "through" whatever it is I am experiencing. Yet all that I feel is that the joy is gone and I don't want to be with him. I asked him to leave, told him I don't see this working, begged him to go away and give me peace.

The thing is, that I DO want to be with him. He has been everything that I have ever needed him to be since he pulled his head out of his ass on Dec 19th. I love our family being together, I want our marriage to remain in tact, I want to accept him loving me and proving to me every day how much he wants to be here. I just don't know how right now.

This is the longest stretch we have gone without being intimate since Dday. I actually went 3 days where I barely even spoke to him. He is so sad, and I know he hates himself so much for the pain he has caused. I want to be stronger, to be better, and to act more loving towards him so that we can help each other to heal. I just don't know how to get out of where I am right now.

Any suggestions? BS and WS welcome.

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/10/2013 18:13 PM

Hi SmittenNoMore.

As I go down the R road I'm learning that it's common for WS to say really harsh things to us, BS. They don't usually mean it. They just need to put us down to justify their actions and apparently they're not always doing it consciously. Don't pay attention to the harsh words.

At one point I asked my WW if she wished she had never met the OM. She said she wished she had never met me. Later she said she only said that to make me "stop being angry with her and that she didn't mean it."

Don't get me wrong. It hurt like hell (and still does). But I actually believe that she doesn't mean that because she's attempting R.

The second point is you waited until you were in a better place before breaking down. My WW accuses me of that, too. Of waiting until things are better before showing sadness or anger. I think it's because when things are bad, I don't want to make them any worse. I wait until I feel that my WW can handle it before I let out my feelings, which are all over the place.
I wish you all the best.

smittennomore posted 5/10/2013 18:17 PM

Thank you FSM for your response. I think you are right, I always seem to wait until it's "safe" to break down. I also tend to rescue him whenever he gets low, that's something that we've both been working on in C, is for me to process and experience my own journey without constantly abandoning my needs in order to help him.

I know he said whatever he could to me only to "justify" in his mind his terrible actions. It does just hurt like hell though, and I can't seem to escape hearing those words from him in my mind over and over again.

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