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A foul up anyone else's baby plans

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Gottagetthrough posted 5/10/2013 18:01 PM

WH and I had kids before the A, and wanted more.

The A has now taken almost 4 years of time from us... from the year or the A, to 3 years of R...

I am now officially ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE ....

I am not ready to have another kid, but im scared that in a few years i might be too old. and i will want one then.

GRRR... Damn affair.

smittennomore posted 5/10/2013 18:12 PM

GRRR... Damn affair is right.

My WH was in his A during my entire second pregnancy. He treated me so terribly that I got my tubes tied so that we wouldn't have anymore children. I had always thought about possibly having three and every day I regret that WH's behavior during my pregnancy caused me to make a decision that I otherwise would not have likely made.

At some point each day, I say a few choice words to WH and OW in my head for that one.

Gottagetthrough posted 5/11/2013 06:08 AM

Oh wow smitten, I'm sorry to hear that.

My Wh is bipolar type 1 and we moved & had a baby at the same time, which triggered his longest manic episode (I hadn't known that his shitty behavior in the past was mini manic episodes... He was undiagnosed bipolar at that point)

That manic episode lead to him meeting ow, who is a nurse, and the started an A and they were also into prescription drug abuse.

4 years of sorting this out... Plus, do I even still want kids with him?


Irolnyatbest posted 5/11/2013 06:48 AM

My H and his affair have taken away this dream. It's ground zero for me and I can't imagine when this one this, being a mother, will happen.

JanaGreen posted 5/11/2013 08:48 AM

Oh yes. The ONS happened shortly before we had originally planned to TTC #2. Add in all the subsequent nonsense and I accepted that I would likely never have another child (and oh was that painful).

Now it has become a possibility again but I will not get my hopes up until I see two lines on a stick.

doesitgetbetter posted 5/11/2013 11:09 AM

We were going to have one more before he started cheating. During his A's (5 years) he decided he didn't want anymore and I was ok with it for a time. Before I found out about the A's, I started wanting one again. DDay came, decided there wasn't a chance to have babies anytime soon. When I felt we were R'ed enough to want to again, I was advanced maternal age as well, and shortly thereafter I had to have a hysterectomy. So babies are off the table totally now, but I'm ok with it. I love the kids we DO have, and I'm looking forward to having an empty next in less than a decade so we can travel and enjoy new things and places together.

There is a certain amount of freedom that will come with having no kids in the house, and that is very appealing since I'm so in love with this new version of the H that I have.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 5/11/2013 11:18 AM

WH's started one month after our youngest was born. About 2 months later we were seriously talking (or at least I was) about whether #3 was our last or if we'd have one more. He was talking about it like he wanted it more than me. Dday came and those plans went out the window. I didn't want more until we were truly in R and he didn't work with OW anymore. A year later R sucked and him still there, I accidentally got pregnant. I miscarried that pregnancy this past February. Being a mother is the greatest joy in my life. Babies and pregnancies are a big trigger. I hate feeling jealousy and sadness for other people's happiness for their pregnancies. I'm only 31 so obviously maybe one day it could happen but I'm not holding my breath. Big big BIG hugs to all of you tomorrow. It will be hard for so many of us.

silentlyscreamin posted 5/11/2013 11:35 AM

I just posted something similar this week under Divorce/Separation, because i really think that is the road I will head down. But I just turned 36 and have 0 kids. I always always wanted them. Part of my fear of leaving is that because of my advancing age, I will give up the dream altogether. But many people posted to help me see that you really don't want to bring kids in the mix of this instability. I agree now that it would add to the stress of the already fragile marriage and also make it more challenging if R doesn't work. I completely get the desire to have kids, and you are fortunate to be a mom now so i would hold off until you know for certain how things are in your R. Despite my age, I am holding off and considering leaving. I feel like having a child with someone is such an intimate thing and I feel like after an A, it takes a while to feel that way again, if at all. I think you are right to question it. Having a child requires unselfish love and feel like when someone has an A, they are in a selfish phase for sure! Good luck in your decision. Sigh...

silentlyscreamin posted 5/11/2013 11:42 AM

By the way, I am sorry you are going through this. I think as women, this is one of the toughest issues we face because the clock is against us more so biologically then men. I do have faith, however as i have known more people to have children later in life.

[This message edited by silentlyscreamin at 11:44 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

cdnmommy posted 5/11/2013 16:03 PM

Raises hand.

I was 39 on DDay and had given up on FWH ever wanting another. Now I am 42 and have had 6 miscarriages in under 2 years. We are seeing a specialist soon but I have to prepare for the possibility that it won't happen.

Thankfully we have worked through the losses together and that has helped us feel closer. Also, time and IC have got me to a point where I don't think it would end our marriage if we don't have #2, but it still sucks.

I have no words of advice, just hugs.

ShockedAndHurt posted 5/12/2013 02:57 AM

Big hugs ladies. My WH had an EA during my first pregnancy and 2 PAs during my second and a third when my baby was 6-12 weeks old. I felt I was done having babies after number 2, but there was a tiny question mark there, I hadn't completely ruled it out.

During hysterical bonding we slipped up and I thought I might be pregnant for a week or so and it filled me with utter dread. I did not want to have another child with HIM, in the midst of all of this pain. My second pregnancy and early motherhood have been so horribly tainted by the As that part of me wants the chance to try again and have a positive experience, but that wouldn't be now or with him.

We are separated now, and although I am only 30 I feel it would be too late for more children once (if?!) I meet someone and have some time with them first etc. I feel my future romantic opportunities are limited by having two children already, I need to meet someone who doesn't mind me having kids and who very possibly doesn't want to have more kids with me. Most guys my age seem to be still planning to start a family. Obviously that may be different in 5 years or so, whenever I am ready to move on etc.

The ripple effects of these affairs are devastating, aren't they? :(

blakesteele posted 5/12/2013 05:27 AM

My wife and I thought we were done with wanting more children. I was kinda rethinking my feelings towards this this past summer (maybe making a baby with my wife, maybe adoption...just seemed like we had more to offer...therefore had more capacity to expand our family).
We were married for 7 years before we decided to have children...and that was brought up by my wife. I was fully onboard with having children, but it was her original idea.

Then the A happened. Initially I did not think about making a baby with my wife (no duh, right?). But maybe a month or two after DD I started to really want to have another child...noticing newborns everywhere I went (church, grocery store, the gym).

No, HB did NOT take place in my marriage following DD.

My wife is 38. I believe that puts her either in or very close to the high risk age for pregnancy. I feel a sense of urgency to get the A dealt with, marriage rebuilt...and then proceed as a caring loving family pronto! Not realistic.

Gottagethrough...even with the above statements I do not pretend to know what it is like to be in your specific situation...to be a woman dealing with an A AND their biological clock ticking. ((gottagethroughthis))

Silentlyscreaming makes the point that men really dont have the biological pressure that women struggle with. Sure, I feel child RAISING takes lots of energy and as I age I see my energy levels dropping. But child MAKING is possible for men at any age.

Selfishly I have thought that if our path leads to D, I can find a younger woman and have a child with her. That she would have the energy I may be lacking at times to take the lead on child rearing.

But that is selfish of me. Choosing to have an A was a selfish act by my wife.

Bringing a baby into a selfish home is not the thing to do. So, for us right now, we are in no position to make a baby.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:33 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

Heartbrokenjk posted 5/12/2013 09:08 AM

I will be 32 years old this year and have no children of my own. My WH and I just celebrated our one year anniversary on may 5th. I've always wanted to be a mom, but like so many others I feel that my WH s A has kinda taken that dream away from me. We are trying to R but its still really rocky for me!
I really want at least one child but I don't know if having one now is the right thing to do. Hugs to everyone

webmistress posted 5/12/2013 09:50 AM

Oh yes, in a major way. We were talking about #2 when he had the A. Well, he had baby #2, just not with me. To add further insult to injury, OC is a boy, which I was hoping we'd have. We're in R now, but I'm 41 and don't see any possibility of having a second child at this point. Oh, and he's also decided he doesn't want anymore children anyway. So nice to have been a part of all the family planning decisions

This is probably one of THE biggest points of contention I have with XH about the A that I struggle to get past. I'm not sure I can ever forgive him or OW for taking away my choices in this area.

[This message edited by webmistress at 9:52 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

lilflower1000 posted 5/13/2013 08:22 AM

Hugs to all of you. This did not happen to me, but it is heartbreaking to hear your stories.It is amazing how far reaching the effects of these affairs can be.

I was pregnant/just had a baby when my husband cheated. It destroyed the first year with my baby. I would trigger whenever I took out the baby book, so there is basically nothing in it. The OW gave my baby his first bottle ( I was breastfeeding and out of town for work).
Also the other woman was pregnant, so I was certain that it was my husbands, but it wasn't. I still have doubts sometimes about that, but they both assured me it wasn't my husbands baby. I know they would never lie..right??

I am so sorry for your pain.
On a positive note, I did have my last child at the age of 42 and had no complications whatsoever. My little sweetie is perfectly healthy.
Adoption would be an option that could be a positive as well. Imagine saving a child from foster care. (This is my dream, when we get our act together). I am sure that you have learned so much about unconditional love from this situation. ( I know I have). Imagine how that could benifit a child who has come from a questionalble background.
Just a thought..
Good luck to you. I pray that you find peace.

Ashland13 posted 5/13/2013 08:42 AM

Hello,

Currently I am pregnant, it happened during false R and knocked STBXH right off his hairy yellow butt.

But, he still remains with OW and now I am feeling finally that he's done too much and I can't trust him.

He asked several times in the first weeks of knowing about the baby if "you are sure you are going to keep it?" and this made me physically sick. I wanted another child for a long time but he didn't, so I put myself aside to make him happy...always I wanted a family of four or more kids and to fill a house with noise, large crowds at holidays and such.

He, however, comes from a really large family and I from a dysfunctional one, so there we have it.

Well, now a baby will be upon us and come around the same time the divorce is final. It's not a place I ever thought I would be in in my whole entire life-it was always on tv or movies, but in our house?

I face more hard times and am trying to work daily on my non-panicking skills, but sometimes a trigger comes and knocks me down.

I hope for all of you who wish them, the chance for more children, for I think they are one of life's greatest gifts. I think they get caught in the dramas and tragedies that adults create, but are amazing people in their own way. I don't know where I would be without DD to keep me going.

A side note...prior to knowledge of OW, STBXH and I spoke a little of children and it was very odd because he said to me electronically, "Who ever said I didn't want more kids"? He claims there is absolutely no OC, but there have been some little odd things that came and went that make me suspicious. Time will tell, right?

Apparently, OW learned of the baby recently and had one of her fits, so that was a small smile for me. Is that terrible of me?

Sorry for the lengthy note.

Ashland13 posted 5/13/2013 08:45 AM

P.S. I am of "AMA", Advanced Maternal Age, and I can tell you, it's a really scary ride. They are putting me through all sorts of tests I didn't have before, but some of the same scares I had before.

One of the OBGYN's said they actually used to call it "an Elder Mother" but so many people complained that they have this new wordology for the same thing.

My grandmother was 42 when she had her first and my MIL 45 when STBXH happened along. Anything is possible, yes?

hathnofury posted 5/13/2013 09:00 AM

Yup. We have three kids. I was 40 with a 6/4/2YO when I discovered, and had been considering one more. WH felt like he was done, but I thought if I really wanted one more I could twist his arm. I had no concerns with "advanced age" pregnancy, because if you have already had kids without complications, the risk for that is considerably lower. But any thoughts of pregnancy vanished with DDay.

In my case because his infidelity was so extreme, I didn't even know what I was up against at the time and I felt I had to squash any plans of more kids. I also had him get a vasectomy to try to prevent any future kids from us and any OW. Since he felt he was done anyway, and said he was willing to do anything for R, he consented right away. I felt more pain and trauma than he did from the procedure, but even now

I know it was the best thing for everyone in my case. Recovering from infidelity, no matter what path you take, is extremely difficult and takes 2-5 years at least. Doing it while being a parent makes it even more difficult and will affect the children. Pregnancy during that time makes it extremely difficult, and makes it impossible to experience the joy of creating life without it being compromised at least some of the time even in the best case scenario, from what I hear from others who have BTDT.

I personally would not choose to have kids with someone who betrayed me on this level. If having kids (or more kids) was important to me, I would leave and have them with someone else, or adopt in my name only. I am in awe of those that can recover from this and still choose to have kids/more kids. But whatever you do, you do what is best for YOU and your future kids, not what is best for your WS.

hathnofury posted 5/13/2013 09:00 AM

Yup. We have three kids. I was 40 with a 6/4/2YO when I discovered, and had been considering one more. WH felt like he was done, but I thought if I really wanted one more I could twist his arm. I had no concerns with "advanced age" pregnancy, because if you have already had kids without complications, the risk for that is considerably lower. But any thoughts of pregnancy vanished with DDay.

In my case because his infidelity was so extreme, I didn't even know what I was up against at the time and I felt I had to squash any plans of more kids. I also had him get a vasectomy to try to prevent any future kids from us and any OW. Since he felt he was done anyway, and said he was willing to do anything for R, he consented right away. I felt more pain and trauma than he did from the procedure, but even now

I know it was the best thing for everyone in my case. Recovering from infidelity, no matter what path you take, is extremely difficult and takes 2-5 years at least. Doing it while being a parent makes it even more difficult and will affect the children. Pregnancy during that time makes it extremely difficult, and makes it impossible to experience the joy of creating life without it being compromised at least some of the time even in the best case scenario, from what I hear from others who have BTDT.

I personally would not choose to have kids with someone who betrayed me on this level. If having kids (or more kids) was important to me, I would leave and have them with someone else, or adopt in my name only. I am in awe of those that can recover from this and still choose to have kids/more kids. But whatever you do, you do what is best for YOU and your future kids, not what is best for your WS.

MUFan posted 5/13/2013 09:50 AM

AMA doesn't have to be the end of planning for a future child. I was pregnant with an oops and AMA when WH had his A. AMA doesn't have to be bad. I did develop gestational diabetes but my blood pressure and baby were fine. I think having ours after the A has helped us tremendously with our healing. He has really stepped up and been a partner in taking care of the baby. He wasn't a partner with our other 2 children together. I have relinquished a lot of the control I've tightly held and he's more hand on with all the kids than he has ever been, especially the baby. He realizes how much he has missed with each of them now.

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