The A has now taken almost 4 years of time from us... from the year or the A, to 3 years of R...
I am now officially ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE ....
I am not ready to have another kid, but im scared that in a few years i might be too old. and i will want one then.
GRRR... Damn affair.
My WH was in his A during my entire second pregnancy. He treated me so terribly that I got my tubes tied so that we wouldn't have anymore children. I had always thought about possibly having three and every day I regret that WH's behavior during my pregnancy caused me to make a decision that I otherwise would not have likely made.
At some point each day, I say a few choice words to WH and OW in my head for that one.
My Wh is bipolar type 1 and we moved & had a baby at the same time, which triggered his longest manic episode (I hadn't known that his shitty behavior in the past was mini manic episodes... He was undiagnosed bipolar at that point)
That manic episode lead to him meeting ow, who is a nurse, and the started an A and they were also into prescription drug abuse.
4 years of sorting this out... Plus, do I even still want kids with him?
Now it has become a possibility again but I will not get my hopes up until I see two lines on a stick.
There is a certain amount of freedom that will come with having no kids in the house, and that is very appealing since I'm so in love with this new version of the H that I have.
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
[This message edited by silentlyscreamin at 11:44 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]
I was 39 on DDay and had given up on FWH ever wanting another. Now I am 42 and have had 6 miscarriages in under 2 years. We are seeing a specialist soon but I have to prepare for the possibility that it won't happen.
Thankfully we have worked through the losses together and that has helped us feel closer. Also, time and IC have got me to a point where I don't think it would end our marriage if we don't have #2, but it still sucks.
I have no words of advice, just hugs.
During hysterical bonding we slipped up and I thought I might be pregnant for a week or so and it filled me with utter dread. I did not want to have another child with HIM, in the midst of all of this pain. My second pregnancy and early motherhood have been so horribly tainted by the As that part of me wants the chance to try again and have a positive experience, but that wouldn't be now or with him.
We are separated now, and although I am only 30 I feel it would be too late for more children once (if?!) I meet someone and have some time with them first etc. I feel my future romantic opportunities are limited by having two children already, I need to meet someone who doesn't mind me having kids and who very possibly doesn't want to have more kids with me. Most guys my age seem to be still planning to start a family. Obviously that may be different in 5 years or so, whenever I am ready to move on etc.
The ripple effects of these affairs are devastating, aren't they? :(
Then the A happened. Initially I did not think about making a baby with my wife (no duh, right?). But maybe a month or two after DD I started to really want to have another child...noticing newborns everywhere I went (church, grocery store, the gym).
No, HB did NOT take place in my marriage following DD.
My wife is 38. I believe that puts her either in or very close to the high risk age for pregnancy. I feel a sense of urgency to get the A dealt with, marriage rebuilt...and then proceed as a caring loving family pronto! Not realistic.
Gottagethrough...even with the above statements I do not pretend to know what it is like to be in your specific situation...to be a woman dealing with an A AND their biological clock ticking. ((gottagethroughthis))
Silentlyscreaming makes the point that men really dont have the biological pressure that women struggle with. Sure, I feel child RAISING takes lots of energy and as I age I see my energy levels dropping. But child MAKING is possible for men at any age.
Selfishly I have thought that if our path leads to D, I can find a younger woman and have a child with her. That she would have the energy I may be lacking at times to take the lead on child rearing.
But that is selfish of me. Choosing to have an A was a selfish act by my wife.
Bringing a baby into a selfish home is not the thing to do. So, for us right now, we are in no position to make a baby.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:33 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]
This is probably one of THE biggest points of contention I have with XH about the A that I struggle to get past. I'm not sure I can ever forgive him or OW for taking away my choices in this area.
[This message edited by webmistress at 9:52 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]
I was pregnant/just had a baby when my husband cheated. It destroyed the first year with my baby. I would trigger whenever I took out the baby book, so there is basically nothing in it. The OW gave my baby his first bottle ( I was breastfeeding and out of town for work).
Also the other woman was pregnant, so I was certain that it was my husbands, but it wasn't. I still have doubts sometimes about that, but they both assured me it wasn't my husbands baby. I know they would never lie..right??
I am so sorry for your pain.
On a positive note, I did have my last child at the age of 42 and had no complications whatsoever. My little sweetie is perfectly healthy.
Adoption would be an option that could be a positive as well. Imagine saving a child from foster care. (This is my dream, when we get our act together). I am sure that you have learned so much about unconditional love from this situation. ( I know I have). Imagine how that could benifit a child who has come from a questionalble background.
Just a thought..
Good luck to you. I pray that you find peace.
Currently I am pregnant, it happened during false R and knocked STBXH right off his hairy yellow butt.
But, he still remains with OW and now I am feeling finally that he's done too much and I can't trust him.
He asked several times in the first weeks of knowing about the baby if "you are sure you are going to keep it?" and this made me physically sick. I wanted another child for a long time but he didn't, so I put myself aside to make him happy...always I wanted a family of four or more kids and to fill a house with noise, large crowds at holidays and such.
He, however, comes from a really large family and I from a dysfunctional one, so there we have it.
Well, now a baby will be upon us and come around the same time the divorce is final. It's not a place I ever thought I would be in in my whole entire life-it was always on tv or movies, but in our house?
I face more hard times and am trying to work daily on my non-panicking skills, but sometimes a trigger comes and knocks me down.
I hope for all of you who wish them, the chance for more children, for I think they are one of life's greatest gifts. I think they get caught in the dramas and tragedies that adults create, but are amazing people in their own way. I don't know where I would be without DD to keep me going.
A side note...prior to knowledge of OW, STBXH and I spoke a little of children and it was very odd because he said to me electronically, "Who ever said I didn't want more kids"? He claims there is absolutely no OC, but there have been some little odd things that came and went that make me suspicious. Time will tell, right?
Apparently, OW learned of the baby recently and had one of her fits, so that was a small smile for me. Is that terrible of me?
Sorry for the lengthy note.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
One of the OBGYN's said they actually used to call it "an Elder Mother" but so many people complained that they have this new wordology for the same thing.
My grandmother was 42 when she had her first and my MIL 45 when STBXH happened along. Anything is possible, yes?
In my case because his infidelity was so extreme, I didn't even know what I was up against at the time and I felt I had to squash any plans of more kids. I also had him get a vasectomy to try to prevent any future kids from us and any OW. Since he felt he was done anyway, and said he was willing to do anything for R, he consented right away. I felt more pain and trauma than he did from the procedure, but even now
I know it was the best thing for everyone in my case. Recovering from infidelity, no matter what path you take, is extremely difficult and takes 2-5 years at least. Doing it while being a parent makes it even more difficult and will affect the children. Pregnancy during that time makes it extremely difficult, and makes it impossible to experience the joy of creating life without it being compromised at least some of the time even in the best case scenario, from what I hear from others who have BTDT.
I personally would not choose to have kids with someone who betrayed me on this level. If having kids (or more kids) was important to me, I would leave and have them with someone else, or adopt in my name only. I am in awe of those that can recover from this and still choose to have kids/more kids. But whatever you do, you do what is best for YOU and your future kids, not what is best for your WS.