Hi,
Let me start with my story first. I got divorced officially on 1/1/2011. March of 2011, I started online dating. On May 25, 2011 I met CB. We started slow and in the mean time I continued dating other girls. As we continued dating, the relationship got serious. At that time I should have stopped dating others however I made one of the most terrible mistakes of my life and I continued. In September 2012, we went to Turkey, where I am originally from. There, she learned that I was online dating. After we came back I closed online dating website. There was an out of state person, who I knew before, was coming to San Francisco for a conference in October. I offered her to stay with me if she wants to. In later emails topic turned in to staying in Sonoma for a night. Unfortunately we stayed and I had sex with that person that night. Luckily (that is what I was thinking at that time) she did not contact me after she returned back.
On December 25, 2012, I proposed to CB. She wanted to change the ring so on December 26th we went to Macy’s to exchange. When we wanted to change our status on Facebook, she saw the pictures that were taken from Sonoma trip. Since that day we are not together.
I now know what I did was horrible. I regret it all the time. As I am writing this email again my tears are coming down. There is no one day that I don’t think about it. I miss CB so much that I can’t even express.
After the affair, I did many things to gain her back. I send many flowers to her work, home. I bought gifts. I waited hours in front of her house to see her. I wrote letters. I made video clips. Nothing made her come back.
In the meantime, I am seeing a therapist. In fact she is my second therapist. The first did not think I need medication but she is thinking I might need one since I am having hard time sleeping at night. Even though I am a person who sleeps more than 8 hours, for the last 4 months I have been sleeping 6 hours or less.
I watched many movies, documentaries. I read many articles, books such as “I love you but I cannot trust you”, “After the affair”, and “How can I forgive you”.
I do understand that who has been betrayed is hurt a lot. There is so much pain. But I want you to understand that sometimes who betrayed also suffers. I am one of them. I would do anything, anything she wants to gain her back. I learned my lesson but of course I am having a hard time explaining this to her.
Everyone is saying “if it is meant to be” but all I want is her so I am having a hard time excepting the truth that I can heal from this if I am not going to be with her anymore. I want her so much that I am not doing the logical things sometime. I just mailed her 3rd letter within 2 weeks trying to talk to her. She may not be even reading them. I don’t know what else to do. I am obsessed with her. She did not return my personal items including ring, my diplomas from elementary, middle, high school, and money I lend her. Her not talking to me or not saying directly “NO” to my face and not returning items gives me hope. Maybe she is still thinking, debating, considering but on the other hand some say “silence is a way of saying no” and maybe she throw away my stuff and she is rationalizing to keep the money.
So I am asking here: what can I do? What are your recommendations? I don’t know if I will easily except the answers “forget it “or “move on”. What are your thoughts? Please just share. Anything will help.
Thanks in advance for your time and help.
Have a great weekend.
MissingHerSoMuch