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persevere posted 5/10/2013 20:59 PM

I feel pathetic even posting this. I'm a positive person, I've handled so much so well over the last two years, and yet I feel like I've hit a wall.

My IC says I function very well on the surface, and those words have really sunk into me lately. Because lately it feels just like that - "on the surface" I seem okay, but lately that seems to be getting harder and harder to maintain. And I haven't seen my IC in weeks. It's as if now that we were finally getting to my real issues I'm avoiding it. WTF?

I'm having a difficult time prioritizing, taking care of myself in a positive way, I've gained 15 pounds in the past six months, I exercise some, but not near like I used to or near enough. I stay up too late, I'm not getting nearly enough sleep, and I can't seem to make myself go to bed when I should. My house is not awful, and some days I do well, but it's not even close to the level I consider normal. (And that is not perfection, but things are generally in their place).

I started an amazing new job eight months ago, but I wonder how I'm affecting my performance. They may not notice at this point, because I'm still doing well overall, but how well could I be doing if I was my best self?

Why can't I pull it together? I know that if I get enough sleep that will help, because that has always affected me strongly.

I had a dream about XWH last night, first time in forever. He came back, and that's all I know, just that he was back. I don't know if I took him back, I recall questioning if I should, I recall my daughter being much younger and referring to him as dad (which she never did), and just that he was there. It was very weird.

This is something I couldn't tell almost anyone, this is the only place I feel safe enough to say it.

persevere posted 5/10/2013 21:22 PM

Now I'm watching 20/20 about the girls in Ohio, and it really lends some important persective to my post. I considered editing it and just deleting it, because honestly, there are so many worse things going on in the world.

What those ladies have lived through is horrible and disgusting and I'm SO relieved they are finally free. THAT is WAY more important than anything I could possibly post about myself.

Please say a prayer and send positive thoughts to the four victims from Ohio.

MovingUpward posted 5/10/2013 21:44 PM

(((persevere)))

praying for you and the ladies in OH

caregiver9000 posted 5/10/2013 21:47 PM

(((persevere)))

The "worse" in the world does not diminish the inner struggle. I call this the "funk" and while sometimes there is an obvious trigger, sometimes it just comes along...

Having high standards for yourself and being self aware is what leads to feeling this way?

I am sorry you are less than positive.

Survivor3512 posted 5/10/2013 23:28 PM

(((Persevere))) I'm sorry you're in a slump. But, you can pull yourself out of it. Like you said, you are a positive person. And you know what you should be doing. So start doing it! Take it one day at a time and slowly but surely you'll feel yourself 'lifting.' We've all been there (myself included ), the key is to know that it will pass and you have control over your attitudes and behaviors. I hope you are feeling better and more like yourself very soon!

And don't even feel bad for posting how you feel here! That's what we are for!

[This message edited by Survivor3512 at 11:30 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

Sad in AZ posted 5/11/2013 06:53 AM

Honey, you just went through a break-up. Cut yourself some slack. My advice would be to concentrate on work; you need to earn a living. Bring depth to that part of your life and I think the rest will follow.

You can do this; I have faith

cayc posted 5/11/2013 07:35 AM

Your post really resonates with me (well except for the normally I'm a really positive person - I don't think anyone would describe me that way lol).

But the LR funk that = all surface, weight gain, feeling sorry for myself, having to look at outside events to compare to me to rationalize that it's not that bad and I should realize I'm lucky.

But then I look back over the last 2 years. A divorce for a horrific reason. Being publicly humiliated by my husband. A new job. Learning a new language. Moving to a new country. That's a lot of upheaval.

I agree with SadinAZ, you need to cut yourself some slack. Sometimes we just get tired. And we need to retreat into ourselves and be kind to us.

nowiknow23 posted 5/11/2013 07:39 AM

I'm with Sad on this one - you just went through a break up. That can dredge up all kinds of stuff from the marriage and D.

Be kind to yourself and process whatever comes floating to the surface. And stop with the guilty feelings about there being worse stuff in the world. Your struggle is valid. Your sadness is valid. They deserve your attention and our support, and we are absolutely capable of giving that to you WHILE we pray for the women and child in Ohio. Ok?

((((persevere))))

Kajem posted 5/11/2013 08:20 AM

Persevere,

My marriage ended 10 years ago. My relationship with XSO ended a year ago (next week). The ending of the relationship hit me very hard, in some ways harder than the ending of the marriage.

When the marriage ended I was scared for my kids and everything external. Would I be able to raise them by myself? Would they grow up ____? Would they go to college? etc.. it all centered around my kids.

My post breakup thoughts centered around me.. all the questions I probably should have asked about me when my marriage ended came to the surface. My kids are young adults - on their way to their own lives. MY baby graduates HS this month and is off to college in the fall. I am left with me, myself and I... and the prospect is scaring me. I am realizing I have a lot of work to do on me. Being in a relationship with XSO kept me from doing that.

Now it's my turn, I think it's also your turn.

It isn't easy, but we are so worth the effort.

Hugs,

K

Helen of Troy posted 5/11/2013 08:47 AM

Please don't apologize or add disclaimers for your feelings. They're just feelings, that's all & you are 100% justified and entitled to have them.
I wonder if the recent breakup is affecting you more than you want to admit to yourself? No need to answer here just for your benefit only.
Break ups hurt.

caregiver9000 posted 5/11/2013 09:32 AM

Saturday morning ((((hugs))))

Thinking about you. I think your post really struck a chord. Sometimes I feel like a fraud because everyone assumes I am "FINE" and I feel so chaotic and screwy on the inside.

stupidstupidme posted 5/11/2013 09:52 AM

I can completely relate. I am in the exact same place.

I would say try one little thing at a time. Start with maybe exercise. I am actually doing that... headed back to the gym today after several weeks of slacking.

Start with one thing, and feel good about it. Let it build momentum and snowball... that's what I'm hoping for.

persevere posted 5/11/2013 09:57 AM

Thank you all. I'm doing better this morning. It's a beautiful morning so I'm going to go for a run and work on a few things around the house.

Yes, I think the breakup has affected me more than expected.
Kajem, XBF and I started seeing each other right around the same time that I experienced three major life changes last year (late summer) - I empty nested, sold/bought a home, changed careers, so I think there is some work on me that I have also avoided during the past eight months, and apparently it is time.

And, for a bit, I will cut myself a little slack. I don't see it, but others tell me I'm hard on myself sometimes.

Thanks again.

InTheRabbitHole posted 5/11/2013 11:49 AM

Persevere, I think I'm also in the same boat as you.

Everything you are describing is how I'm feeling. Therefore I have no advice, just company.

If you need an ear, please let me know.

persevere posted 5/11/2013 15:02 PM

ssm and ITRH, I'm taking the give myself a break advice for today, and I feel like I need it. Maybe you should both do the same, and then start thinking about what comes next. ((Hugs))

I'm still in my pajamas, just watching CNN, laid down to finally start reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, and I was 70 pages in before I fell asleep for an hour. So today I am taking it easy apparently, and I'm good with that.

bitchboots posted 5/13/2013 20:20 PM

(((persevere)))

I know this will pass for you, but in the mean time I wish I had other words to say that would make it so much easier for you. I am sending good energy your way.

Big, huge hugs.

tabitha95 posted 5/15/2013 02:05 AM

I'm feeling so many of the same ways you are. I know everyone says time and one day at a time, but I've one dayed myself to the point that I don't see a future of anything but just making it thru the day. I too don't sleep enough and I'm affected by the deprivation.

[This message edited by tabitha95 at 2:06 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

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