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Telling the other woman's husband

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LearningToFly posted 5/10/2013 21:17 PM

I am an open book. As open as I am, my husband is closed. Sometimes I hate myself for being so open. Often I question why I am with someone who believes that hiding the truth isn't lying. I like to think that if I had known this years ago instead of making excuses I wouldn't have wasted so many of my emotions in frustration and hurt. But, I doubt I would have done anything about it because we were married, had kids, and all that went with marriage.

We were talking about WS's new NC letter. This was his fourth attempt. He rewrote with MC and my help. I don't believe he meant it but at least its written. the words aren't his, they were given to him but at least she will read them.

Anyway, I told him I had a letter for her too. He immediately jumped to "it can't be to her husband." My letter had been to her only but it bugged me that he was so protective of her privacy and secret. We spent 45 minutes arguing about it. He believes that she should tell him and I have no right to interfere in their marriage. I told him that he interfered in their marriage and she interfered in our marriage so he put me in the place to tell the BH. They were the ones who decided to have the affair and I know what it feels like to be betrayed. I am glad I know. It explains a lot of his behavior knowing why he was checked out completely for over a year. I also told him that if she wanted to work on their marriage, as he claims she does, then she has probably already told him so it won't be a surprise anyway.

I shouldn't have said anything to him and just let the BH know. I have tried to call their home. The machine picks up the calls and once she answered. I just hung up (of course now she can see that its a call from this area with a little research) I could write a letter but there is no guarantee that she wouldn't intercept it. He has no facebook though she does. (Thats how she reconnected with my husband.) He lives in another state. My husbands reaction makes me want to tell him even more. He didn't try to protect me or our relationship yet he is trying to hide this affair from the guy she cheated on. Maybe he is trying to protect himself. I don't know.

cosmicjoke posted 5/10/2013 21:26 PM

Priceless..!!! He tells you that YOU have 'no right to interfere in their marriage'..???! Uhh, Dude-- HELLO, you already did that. This is some serious insane Cheater's Logic. (which has no logic at all).

In fact-- I think the WS should be the one to tell the other BS. How come this never happens..? With you right there (and speaker phone on- or you proofread a letter) making sure they tell the truth...? Why do they always get out of doing this? THEY create the mess, and leave it all for someone else to clean up...

LearningToFly posted 5/10/2013 21:41 PM

I would love to see my husband tell her husband that he was cheating with his wife.

My husband thinks of himself as a really nice guy. I think cheating is pretty rotten and don't see anything nice about it.

My husband is very passive most of the time. Boy, HE IS NOT PASSIVE ABOUT THIS. I am afraid he might even stop trying altogether if he finds out I contacted the betrayed husband.

My husband hates conflict. I would love to see him suffer the consequences of having to deal with the conflict he created when he got in the middle of someone else's marriage and stole her emotional connection toward the BH. I don't want to ever go through this again and if my husband doesn't feel the effects of his behavior, he probably won't learn anything.

He already gets angry when I bring up the affair and he can shut me down, but a perfect stranger wouldn't care what my husband felt, WS would have to stand there and feel the effects of his behavior on another person. (I don't think that WH cares about the affects on me, I am not really a person to WH.)

I just wish I could get a hold of OWs husband and tell him. Every time I call, its so scary and stressful. Having to hear her voice and hang up on her was just too much. I want to do the right thing and get out of there. Please Betrayed husband pick up the phone!

Is there anyone who would say they wish they never found out about the affair and just was happy that their spouse started loving them again?

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 9:42 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

RidingHealingRd posted 5/10/2013 22:06 PM

Is there anyone who would say they wish they never found out about the affair and just was happy that their spouse started loving them again?

Absolutely not. What I wish is that he never had an affair but he did and that can't be changed. I am glad I found out because I do not believe that me WH would have changed for the better.

Why don't you try to find out where the BH works and contact him there? This is what I did.

Runninggirl posted 5/10/2013 22:23 PM

SO glad you posted this!!!! Reading responses. So grateful!
I'm exact same situation. When I said I he had to give me OW contact info, my H actually said--"why can't you handle this like an adult. I sm not going to let you ruin her marriage " WTh!!!!!! I don't even know my spouse anymore.
He is staying at a family member's
house. I will not speak to him until he gives me her info. He is not
I wish I had more to offer, but for a week I have been bouncing from angry to falling apart crushed.
Hugs to you. In same boat

Ladyogilvy posted 5/11/2013 02:54 AM

Protecting his A partner is one of the things that has made me the angriest this whole time. And, he probably isn't even protecting her but protecting his own sorry ass anyway. He lies and it would surprise me if he cared enough to protect her while he dragged his wife and children through hell. I don't think he has ever cared that much about anyone but himself.

keptmypromise posted 5/11/2013 06:26 AM

Next not hang up. Simply say...Who you are and what you are calling for (expect anger). Calmly tell her what your intentions are (to verify that her husband is aware of the affair). Let her know you will continue to call until you are sure he is aware. I can only imagine the response. If she tells you that she has told him, respond that it is your intention to verify he knows, because since she is a cheater, you cannot take her word for it. I would also let her know that if you do not talk to him within the next 30 days, you will hire a PI, who will provide you with other contacts (work, auto info etc).

This is one of the few instances in this ugly mess that you are in control of. If you are making them (WH and his hooker friend) uneasy...TFB. Look what they did to you and your happiness.

mchercheur posted 5/11/2013 07:06 AM

OW in my situation was single, so I did not have a BH to contact. But you can be sure I would have if there had been one.

Why don't you try to find out where the BH works and contact him there?

Have you tried this? Do you know his name, town, what he does for a living? You could type his name into google + the town & you may find out info about him ( organizations he belongs to, etc.) or linked in. If you can't get into linked in, someone here can help you do it.
It's amazing how we BSs become such good detectives.
Good luck.

la433 posted 5/11/2013 07:09 AM

Or try this. Call your phone company and ask them to make your number unlisted. And figure out how to work the caller ID block options.

Then call with your caller ID block on and pose as someone from his office, if possible. Or a salesperson trying to sell insurance or something.

Then when he is on the phone let it rip as fast as you can.

Better yet, why do a letter or a phone call. If you know the phone number, pull the address and go straight to the front door.

That'd be fun. Make sure you bring a video camera just in case she tries something. Oh, and bring your EFFN dickhead husband along, if he can muster enough testosterone to join you. Otherwise, bring a trusted friend for safety purposes.

Have fun. Could be the most exhilerating time in your life!

LearningToFly posted 5/11/2013 10:56 AM

He is retired. They live faraway in another state.( It was an emotional affair with two meet ups that I know of.) He isn't on Linked in or Facebook. He is an introvert so I can't seem to find any way of contacting him other than this address and phone which were easy to find on an internet white pages search.

la433 posted 5/11/2013 10:57 AM

Sounds like a road trip to me, but then that's what I would feel like doing.

You could always hire a courier agency in the area to deliver the letter so that they can make sure that only he gets it.

[This message edited by la433 at 10:58 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

hopefulmother posted 5/11/2013 11:40 AM

I wish I had contacted the OBS right away. It helps to have them in on the A. This way the "lovers" have pressure from both sides to behave. (I would be concerned about the A going underground at this point if you telling is a deal breaker for him) My fWH didn't want me to contact the other boyfriend. He wanted to protect "his girlfriend" and he really took sole responsibility for the A. Don't allow him to manipulate you. As long as he still plays the KISA to her, it will never be over for anyone. As long as he takes sole responsibility for the A, he will never see the AP in a negative light. IMO

It took me 6 months to get out of the fog and contact the other BS. I am glad I did and wished I did it sooner. YOU don't owe any of them anything.

I think I can posted 5/11/2013 12:05 PM

The post office can send a letter "restricted delivery"--then only the husband can pick it up.

NoraLee posted 5/11/2013 13:08 PM

Send a registered letter that he has to sign to receive. Do not let your WH or OW know what you're doing. They will start laying the groundwork to make you look like a jealous, suspicious harpie.

" omg OBS - you won't believe this! I added an old friend from highschool on FB - no big deal right? Well this poor guy - his wife saw that he accepted my friend request and went ballistic! I guess she does this everytime - she's just so insecure!. She's even called up the families of these poor women - causing trouble and accusing them of having affairs! What a poor fool to put up with such jealous craziness. I mean - he can't have female friends? Aren't you glad I'm not like that baby? I let you have female friends - I would never do that! Wow! I wonder if crazy woman will call here? Geez - I mean all I did was see him on my classmates friend list and click add. I regret ever seeing him on FB! I feel sorry for the guy..."

and because they are soooo good at deception and manipulation, when you do get through to him, you have no credibility.

So stop discussing it - tell H you think he's right - best to focus on your m and leave OWBS out of it. Then wait a couple of weeks and send the guy a registered letter or hire a PI in their city to track him down and deliver the letter to him personally.( if you have the finances for that) does OW work? Only call during her work hours. Stop hanging up if you do get her and instead ask if she's interested in air duct cleaning as their is a promotion in their area.

But find a way to tell - he has the right to protect himself and the extra pressure will make the A difficult to continue...

Happydays posted 5/11/2013 13:48 PM

I would have a friend pose as a credit card/ phone/ utility company representative and try to get OBS on the phone. Then I'd take over the call and let it out. " your wife is having an A with my H and I have irrefutable proof. This is going on since x months, let me know if you want any more details as I feel it is my duty to warn you about possible STDs etc."
Something on those lines.

Best of luck. Whatever you do, do not let them know you are going to call.

The very fact that you are not able to contact OBS via phone may be that ow has gone into hyper vigilant mode and is making sure OBS does not reach the phone. Expect Alice in wonderland stories already concocted by OW to OBS.

cosmicjoke posted 5/11/2013 13:56 PM

The registered letter or courier idea-- perfect!!

lost100 posted 5/11/2013 16:08 PM

I maybe going against the grain but personally I would not tell. The devastation that would be inflicted on the other innocent party would be so great and my conscience would play on my mind. Motivation to inflict pain is not my thing however I do see the points made by the others and they maybe right.

mchercheur posted 5/11/2013 16:42 PM

The devastation that would be inflicted on the other innocent party would be so great and my conscience would play on my mind. Motivation to inflict pain is not my thing

The devastation was inflicted by OW , not you LearningToFly.

Also wanted to point out that if you send a registered letter, oftentimes the mailman will let a family member sign for it, so OW could still intercept it. Altho, if she works, the mail is usually delivered during working hours,& if it arrives on a weekday, maybe she wouldn't be home.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 4:43 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

LearningToFly posted 5/11/2013 21:19 PM

I wish I could just call him and get it over with. Until I do, I feel like I can't move on, that I have a moral obligation to another person out there that I don't even know. My husband is so adament that I not tell and since I usually don't go against his strong feelings, this is so hard for me. I have been so angry at him all day for putting me in this spot. I've vented and said too much. I hate my mouth.

I don't know who he is anymore. I use to think he was a sweet guy who just wanted to be liked. I have known that I was low on his priority list throughout our 28 years together. But, I would not have thought he would betray me the way he did especially during this terrible time in our families history. I really needed his love and support and instead he left me to deal with tragedy and pain by myself while he played with someone else. He says the affair is over and it might be, but the damage it caused to our already struggling marriage is huge. He just wants to draw a line right now and go from here. He has done this many times before. How many lines will he draw?

I might feel differently after this huge oblication to the Cheating womans husband has been met. Knowing what he did hurts a lot. But, it just explains why I felt so alone while he was doing it. He was hurting me then. Not knowing why would not have helped me to heal. He does't get that.

NoraLee posted 5/11/2013 23:25 PM

Lost - I wish someone had told me. It hurts that so many people knew - and no one thought to make an anonymous call. I knew something was wrong - do you wish you never found out? Do you think without consequences, OW will start being a good wife? And yes - she's the cause of the pain.

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