They don't cheat because there is something wrong with or lacking in us, they cheat because there is something wrong with or lacking in them.
On DD I begged for the truth for an hour. I repeated "If you ever had any love for me, please set me free. Please, I beg you, just set me free" over and over. I was sobbing, I was bent over, I think I was even on my knees. I was keening. Set me free.
II did not yet have the strength to set myself free. I was where you are now from DD all the way through False R and even beyond.
How could he do this??? To me??? To my children???
I specifically begged him to not betray me. Prior to children I begged him to not make me a single mum.
He did it simply because he could. He continued to do it because I allowed it. Truth is it had nothing to do with me, nothing to do with our M - me and my children are just the collateral damage of his brokenness.
It stopped when I said stop. When I had had enough. Both the betrayals and the same emotions you are going through right now.
Be gentle with yourself right now. You do have to wade through this muck - it is not pity, it is shock, confusion. What they have done is nonsensical - it will never make sense. You will drive yourself nuts trying to make sense of it.
I have been able to get to acceptance by reminding myself that he did it simply because he could. Full stop.
((risingfromashes)) Please know you're not alone. We have all been through this part of the grieving process.