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Am I unlovable?

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risingfromashes posted 5/10/2013 22:43 PM

Rolling around in a pond of pity..But really? This is not about physical appearance. Just cannot understand why someone that I trusted with my heart could have stabbed it that many times. If he loved me he should have left. 10 years of lies then R... still lying! I am really in the trenches tonight.

I have made so much progress.

If this should be posted in a different Topic please transfer me there!

Survivor3512 posted 5/10/2013 23:22 PM

(((Risingfromashes))) I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. You didn't deserve this. There is nothing wrong with you. His cheating is about him. Believe that. You deserve better.

SBB posted 5/11/2013 00:05 AM

They don't cheat because there is something wrong with or lacking in us, they cheat because there is something wrong with or lacking in them.

On DD I begged for the truth for an hour. I repeated "If you ever had any love for me, please set me free. Please, I beg you, just set me free" over and over. I was sobbing, I was bent over, I think I was even on my knees. I was keening. Set me free.

II did not yet have the strength to set myself free. I was where you are now from DD all the way through False R and even beyond.

How could he do this??? To me??? To my children???

I specifically begged him to not betray me. Prior to children I begged him to not make me a single mum.

He did it simply because he could. He continued to do it because I allowed it. Truth is it had nothing to do with me, nothing to do with our M - me and my children are just the collateral damage of his brokenness.

It stopped when I said stop. When I had had enough. Both the betrayals and the same emotions you are going through right now.

Be gentle with yourself right now. You do have to wade through this muck - it is not pity, it is shock, confusion. What they have done is nonsensical - it will never make sense. You will drive yourself nuts trying to make sense of it.

I have been able to get to acceptance by reminding myself that he did it simply because he could. Full stop.

((risingfromashes)) Please know you're not alone. We have all been through this part of the grieving process.

Pass posted 5/12/2013 17:37 PM

rising, I spent my entire marriage thinking there was something wrong with me, and that I was lucky to have her. It was when I found out about the infidelity that I realized she was the lucky one.

Her problem was that she didn't know it. All cheaters have this strong "arsehole gene" (pretty sure I read about it in a science mag) that makes them think they have the right to do whatever the hell they want.

They don't.

And it isn't our fault.

Some day we will all find the love we deserve. Good luck to you!

[This message edited by pass at 5:38 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

nowiknow23 posted 5/12/2013 18:48 PM

Oh, honey. (((((rising)))))

I hope you are on an upswing today. Because I know you know better than this. You are lovable. You are fierce and strong. You are incredibly intelligent. You are an amazing mom, woman, and friend.

You are worthy of REAL love, not the damaged selfish crapfest your X passed off as love.

Believe it.

macakipa posted 5/12/2013 19:37 PM

Stop that stinkin' thinkin'!

Seriously thought, I get it risingfromashes, I truly do. I said the same thing many times "If he loved me he should have left. 12 years (maybe more) of lies.).

It is okay to question your lovability now and again, but don't dwell...what he did does NOT define you!

damncutekitty posted 5/13/2013 09:39 AM

My XH told me that I am impossible to love. There are still times when I wonder if maybe he was right.

nutmegkitty posted 5/13/2013 10:12 AM

You can't understand it because it makes no sense to us rational people for whom cheating isn't even on our radar.

You are right, you have made a TON of progress. Sometimes we forget how far we've come because we are right in the thick of it.

I hope today is better.

ManBearDivorce posted 5/13/2013 20:07 PM

You know the day that she wanted a D out of nowhere, I cried my ass off because I didn't understand that working hard and doing everything I could for the family at the expense of me didn't mean I loved her. She blamed me for not loving her enough and not giving her love was why she wanted D. I found out really why she wanted to D so badly. I wish her good well. LOL

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