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Amberdawn posted 5/11/2013 06:15 AM

I recently found some older deleted text messages between my H and another woman. They were very inappropriate. I found a picture she sent him too. My WH says he wants to reconcile. He has cried, he has written me long letters apologizing, etc. He is acting so hurt and scared. But then... I just tried to check his phone and our computer. I found that he has changed his passwords on both of these. I know he's afraid of me finding more. Should I confront him? Our situation is new. We are going to a therapist on Tuesday. Do I wait until then to confront him?

BaxtersBFF posted 5/11/2013 08:19 AM

Confront him now. One thing that is non-negotiable is yesterday.

annb posted 5/11/2013 08:27 AM


You cannot R if he is still being secretive.


Personally, I'd confront him right in front of the computer and insist that he open up those accounts right there and then. If he is truly remorseful, his actions will speak volumes.

musiclovingmom posted 5/11/2013 08:32 AM

I agree, and I especially like ann's suggestion to confront him right in front of the computer. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

mchercheur posted 5/11/2013 08:41 AM

One month after Dday, my WH changed the password on the phone acct because he knew I was checking it everyday, & he was still in contact with coworker OW. That is when I stopped being so nice----told him that he could not come over to the house ( I had kicked him out on DDay) without making an appt with me, I would discuss kids & finances only.
After a few days he told me the new password, & it turns out that there were literally about 40 new texts & calls back & forth to OW.

The fact that your WH has changed the passwords tells me that there has been a big resurgence of contact between your WH & OW.

Amberdawn posted 5/11/2013 08:58 AM

I confronted him. He said he changed passwords on everything because he didn't want this happening again. Then he went on to say there was nothing else to hide. He said he would change it back. But, the damage is done. He said he thought I had went thru everything and found everything. His actions don't match up with his words. There is absolutely no reason to change the passwords if there is nothing to hide.

Hopefulguy posted 5/11/2013 09:26 AM

I can't agree with you more. Transparency is not in my eyes a punishment I see it as an opportunity to be truly open with the one you love.

Those with nothing to hide etc. though there may be some areas where a certain amount of autonomy should exist so as not to create a smothering situation, for a WS that need for autonomy does not include communications with those outside the M.

mchercheur posted 5/11/2013 11:51 AM

He said he changed passwords on everything because he didn't want this happening again.

He didn't want WHAT
happening again? That you would find out that he's still cheating? Because that's what he's hiding.
He's gaslighting you.

Anything other than you having full access to all passwords & accts now is not acceptable.

If your WH is truly in R, he should WELCOME
this chance to prove to you that he is now trustworthy.

doesitgetbetter posted 5/11/2013 12:01 PM

he didn't want this happening again

Soooo, I take that to mean that in his mind, the problem is you finding out stuff, not him DOING stuff? Well, at least you know where he stands. What a douche!

mchercheur posted 5/11/2013 12:11 PM

Soooo, I take that to mean that in his mind, the problem is you finding out stuff, not him DOING stuff? Well, at least you know where he stands.


Boy, have I been thru this.
This deception & lack of respect for you is just as destructive as the original cheating is

[This message edited by mchercheur at 12:13 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

Amberdawn posted 5/12/2013 06:32 AM

He gave me the password to the computer. However, it looks like he was trying to "clean" things up. There were some odd windows open. He keeps sending me messages telling me how much he misses me, loves me, is sorry, etc. I just don't understand this behavior if all that s true and if he really wants to be real about what went on.

BaxtersBFF posted 5/12/2013 06:37 AM

Well, it's good that he finally gave it to you, but your suspicions are probably right. I deleted a lot of stuff off my laptop before I gave up my passwords. I buried a couple of things though, so keep looking and digging, you may very well find something he forgot about.

mchercheur posted 5/12/2013 07:24 AM

I could see how many messages/phonecalls were going back & forth between WH & OW for months, but was not able to see the content of the texts.
WH deleted all the texts between them except for one ( which she sent him 2 mos after Dday, after we had already made an agreement in front of the MC that he would show me any further texts he received from her. He had refused to send a NC letter, stating that she was too mentally unstable & could out him at work & he was afraid of losing his job. I still don't know if that is true or not.) The one text I saw from her to him said "What time do you break 4 lunch?". WH then concocted a story (in front of the MC!)about that one-- that a large group of them were taking another coworker out for lunch for the coworker's birthday. All I had to do was go on facebook & look up this guy's birthday, & it was several months earlier---so I knew it was B*LLSH*T, & WH had to then admit
that he & OW had gone out alone for lunch together.

WH states that all of those texts were NOT sexual/romantic in nature (just work related or logistics), but he did not do himself any favors, because I still don't believe him, & what I am imagining they said may be worse than what actually was said.
Our R would have gone much better/quicker if I could really know all the facts.

I think that this is what many WSs do not understand---if they truly want to R, everything has to be out in the open. It will be difficult enough for us to ever trust them again,so why is he deleting anything?

[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:27 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

ShockedAndHurt posted 5/12/2013 14:11 PM

My WH deleted almost everything on DDay. I had what I had seen before returning his phone to him and had forwarded to myself or just read once. He went on his laptop and set about deleting emails, closing accounts on dating sites, deleting msn chat histories etc. I needed everything in those early days, every detail I could coax out of him and it killed me that all that information was gone. I knew it was a sign that he didn't want me to be able to see the full extent of his cheating so he was able to TT. 7 months later I did more digging and found old email accounts that he hadn't cleared out and discovered some lies, hence DDay2.

So, IME, lack of transparency is a very bad sign.

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