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Telling Family

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FooledtwiceTX posted 5/11/2013 07:41 AM

For those of you whose WH left you for the OW- did you have a hard time telling your family? I am struggling with this right now. I have told a few and the kids now know that we are separated buy I still need to tell my Dad. Its humiliating and I don't really feel up to talking about it with him. I don't recall anyone else in my family being in this situation. I do have a good friend that I talk to, a good IC, and a support group for spouses of husbands that struggle with SA, so its not like I need to talk about it with family. Its so draining!

crazynot posted 5/11/2013 09:10 AM

I did... but it felt so much better once I had. There are so many horrible emotions linked to this... but just remember it's not you who did the bad thing. Your family will not judge you, but him. You have not failed. Reach out to those who can help you, hug you and hold you at this time. xxxx

lknup posted 5/11/2013 09:11 AM

I just did this. This is a family first and also like you I postponed it as long as possible. I dreaded telling my parents. My family has been incredibly supportive even though they are a long distance away. I see now I should have told them much sooner.
My personal situation is such that I am overwhelmed and they are trying their best to help even with the distance.
Their initial reactions were mixed. I had dropped enough hints to those I am closest to that they knew something was wrong in my life, just not what was wrong. The ones I rarely talk to had the strongest emotional reaction. But all have been supportive.

newlysingle posted 5/11/2013 09:21 AM

I think you will find that they will be very supportive. I know it seems humiliating, but people will know this is not your fault. I have to say that through this whole process it is amazing to see how much love and support I have received. I think sharing something like this also allows others to open up to you. You will find that you are not alone.

Ashland13 posted 5/11/2013 10:23 AM

It may sound strange to say, but all of you are lucky who get to do this part on your own and on your own terms.

Perv/STBXH took this away from me. Do you know what he did? The second night he snuck out in the middle of the night while DD and I slept, he apparently called every single one of my relatives and told them what he was doing.

So I woke up with my entire life changed and no clue, while my relatives had that knowledge. Do you suppose any told me? No.

Further, they came from out of state to have "holidays" with DD and I and they knew all the while about the A he was having, while I and she did not. Stayed over night at my house, ate my food, played with my cat, visited with me politely and all you do with company...

And all the while they had this knowledge again about myself and DD. When I think of this I am infuriated at all of them and only two did not know.

My father is one. He knew Perv had intention of leaving but not about OW. My siblings, mother, aunt and uncle knew of OW but chose to say nothing.

I don't mean to turn this into a vent or all about me, but another point of view is that it's one small piece of the whole thing that you have control over.

Oh, one more thing...Perv also took it upon himself to go to my place of employment and spoke to them and I have not been asked to return since. I was a sub. teacher's aid at DDs school and it took almost four years to get in as far as I did.

It is a horribly crappy thing to have to tell people, but yet another point of view that's happened here, is if you as BS don't tell people, your WS will at some point or they will learn of it and it may not be what you want them to hear...when Perv told his family, he minimilized and made it about all these problems I supposedly had, but don't. He tried to make it like it was his "only choice and he could not work with me anymore", when I begged to work with him.

So as hard as it is, I would always vote for telling anyone any of you care about or would want a relationship with in future.

Linus1968 posted 5/11/2013 10:24 AM

I told a lot of people. No one on her side supported her. But, it is her life and blood is thicker than water. The family wanted to see me when they came into town for Thanksgiving. I really did not want to, but I obliged. The WW was upset, asking why, but when the baby came, it kind of left nothing secret.

I don't regret it. AT ALL!!!

You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other. - Contact

Ashland13 posted 5/11/2013 10:29 AM


I have that with most inlaws, too. They invite me to their occasions and even offer to tell him to go away, but it is so fresh and bittersweet right now it's very hard.

One weekend I went to one of their dinners and it was okay, my two most in touch supporters flanked my sides and didn't leave me alone and showed DD a lot of attention. It gave me a big mix of feelings.

When Perv first mentioned my going, he said it as if I had "permission" and it felt much like taking crumbs. But with the baby coming and DD wanting a relationship with them that is important to me also, I feel some need to keep things friendly...does that make any sense?

They finally see through him as his lies catch up. Unfortuantely for him, this is a large group of Roman Catholic, Polish/Irish lineage, where you just don't do the things he did...or get caught?!

cletuswv posted 5/11/2013 10:47 AM

My parents visited the day I found out...they could tell I had been hit by a truck, I also told my sister...everyone has been supportive and I could not have made it without them

My WW family knows we are separating but do not know why.

FooledtwiceTX posted 5/11/2013 15:14 PM

Thanks all. I did tell my Dad today and I feel better for having it out there. I agree Ashland, glad that I got to manage the message. Sorry that wasn't the case for you.

Phoenix1 posted 5/11/2013 15:15 PM

I told my only sibling and he has been very supportive. My father lives very far away but I will be seeing him in just over a month and will be telling him then as I wanted to do it in person and after I had a better sense of the direction of the split. It is going to be utterly humiliating as my parents had a long marriage until my mother's passing, and I will feel like a failure. POS only has his elderly mother, and she will eventually find out thru the kids. I believe she needs to know the truth, but since I have no relationship with her it doesn't really matter to me. She is as big of a narcissist as her son, but she won't be happy about what he has done. That much I do know. Not having a large family makes it easier.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/11/2013 15:40 PM

I told my family and they were hurt bc they never thought he'd do this to our family.

I thought my inlaws would law down the law with my WH, but sadly WH got to them first and told them I was crazy. Now they believe him and it's awful. They live out of state, and he tells them that he and OW are just friends.

Thank goodness my family believes me.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 3:41 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

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