Your depression did not cause this, your WH made the choice, it is not your fault.
Look up a counselor in your area ASAP and make an appointment. I'm seeing one that specializes in relationship and family issues, and she has helped me a lot so far.
In order to reconcile your WH needs to be completely honest with you, and cut off all contact with this woman.
If you ever want to talk message me, I found out about my WH just over two weeks ago too.
I feel like it is ALL my fault. If I wasn't so messed up in the head, he wouldn't have looked for solace from another woman.
I suffer from depression and anxiety, and had been having a very difficult time. Every time I tried to talk to my H about it, he would get frustrated and we would fight. So naturally, I started keeping everything inside, including my thoughts of suicide. He went to her for advice,
He is broken that is why he cheated. You reached out for your WH, he turned his back on you. He did not go to another woman for advice. He went to another woman to complain, to get validation that his behavior wasn't shitty.
She sent me some of the text messages, but I couldn't handle them, but now I'm trying to get them all. She's holding them over my head, like it's some sort of game
Please go NC with this toxic person. It is a game to her. She does not deserve to breath the same air as you do.
Are you in IC?
Hang in there.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
Hang in there.
First off, breathe. Big, deep breaths 5 seconds in, and 5 seconds out. Repeat until your shoulders start to relax a bit. Whenever you start to get frantic and your brain starts to go 1000 mph, go back to your deep, slow breathing. Fill the lungs and then empty them completely.
Next, take a look at the upper left corner, where there is a yellow box. Click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Theres a lot of good advice there for you. Also any post in this forum that has a bulls-eye next to is something that you should read as well. It's advice written from people who have been there and done that and are not thrilled that they got the t-shirt.
You need to take care of yourself. Eat, stay hydrated, rest when you can. You are feeling like a bus has run over you, stopped, and backed up over you again. That's normal. Your brain is going in a million directions, your body is tensed up, you may feel hyper-alert, you may feel rage, numbness, anger, anguish, and horror within 5 minutes of time. That's NORMAL. You have experienced true trauma. Your body and mind is going to react to that. Accept that you are not going crazy, you are trying to process something that no one should have to process.
And please. Keep coming back here for support. Vent away. Ask questions. We are each and every one of us here for you. And remember. You do not have to make One Stinking Decision right now. Take your time. You don't have to decide to walk. You don't have to decide to reconcile (R). You don't have to decide to make a decision about anything other than your health. Let it come in YOUR time. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Know that none if this is your fault. They were broken well before we came along. This is all the aftermath of toxic coping mechanisms of terribly broken people.
Adultery is an action, not a reaction.
Also if he didn't choose to tell you there was a problem for him, how would you know?
He did it because he's selfish and thought he could get away with it.
I just want to emphasize again that it was not your fault. We are here for you.
DS (6), DS (18 months)
Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".
Status: Done like dinner
And your WH - sounds like he has emotional maturity issues (as in lack thereof). Wah, wha, poor me.
Sorry, I know you're new...and I do not mean to come off harshly...I, like you, am a BS of a double betrayal only to find out through IC/MC that "she" was never my friend. Just a self-entitled, "all about her" soul sucking piece of trash.
Why do you feel like it is all your fault? Did he tell you that you were not there for him when he needed you? That she "understood him"? That is utter bullshit. If he were not happy in your M, he should have left before screwing around with your "friend". THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
Isadora hit it right on the nose...HE is broken...and SHE does not deserve and never deserved the gift of your friendship.
Feel free to PM me as our situations are very similar. My FWH and I have reconciled, but it's not been easy and 6 years out, it's still hard on me. There are things that your H needs to do to help you heal. And you feeling like it is all your fault tells me he's not leaning in that direction.
R is a GIFT that you give to your H, not a GIVEN. Has he told her to go fuck off? That's step #1 in a series of many steps that need to happen. Does he defend her?
Sorry for all of the questions...again, if you don't want to talk publicly, PM me...I've been through hell and back and through a wonderful IC/MC, my FWH and I are on a good path...