SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

FireStar83 posted 5/11/2013 08:32 AM

I just found out two weeks ago that my H had an affair. We have been married for three years, together for six, and have a beautiful daughter together. For months now I've been joking about a woman I went to school with being attracted to my H. He just brushed it off, laughed. Little did I know, they had been in contact. It started off as him going to her, as a friend, for advice. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and had been having a very difficult time. Every time I tried to talk to my H about it, he would get frustrated and we would fight. So naturally, I started keeping everything inside, including my thoughts of suicide. He went to her for advice, but through their talking, he told her all about our marriage and about me. Once she found out about our lack of intimacy, she made sexual advances. Their relationship advanced from there. My husband travels a lot for his job, so there would be little way for me to know about all of the texting and three hour phone calls. They were intimate twice, both were times when I when I wanted to go out with him, but he left me home alone with our daughter and picked her up instead...later to come home to me. He had unprotected sex...now I have to be tested. She is the one who told me. Via Facebook messaging of all ways. She sent me some of the text messages, but I couldn't handle them, but now I'm trying to get them all. She's holding them over my head, like it's some sort of game. This is all fun for her. He was my rock. The one thing I could count on in life. We're trying to reconcile things, but I don't know how to move on from here. My heart literally feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces. I feel like it is ALL my fault. If I wasn't so messed up in the head, he wouldn't have looked for solace from another woman. Most days I just want to die and the only thing keeping me going is my daughter. I just don't know how to handle this situation. What do I do now? I feel so betrayed.

twodoves posted 5/11/2013 08:47 AM

I'm so sorry FireStar.

Your depression did not cause this, your WH made the choice, it is not your fault.

Look up a counselor in your area ASAP and make an appointment. I'm seeing one that specializes in relationship and family issues, and she has helped me a lot so far.

In order to reconcile your WH needs to be completely honest with you, and cut off all contact with this woman.

If you ever want to talk message me, I found out about my WH just over two weeks ago too.

isadora posted 5/11/2013 09:13 AM

Welcome,

I feel like it is ALL my fault. If I wasn't so messed up in the head, he wouldn't have looked for solace from another woman.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, and had been having a very difficult time. Every time I tried to talk to my H about it, he would get frustrated and we would fight. So naturally, I started keeping everything inside, including my thoughts of suicide. He went to her for advice,

((FireStar))

He is broken that is why he cheated. You reached out for your WH, he turned his back on you. He did not go to another woman for advice. He went to another woman to complain, to get validation that his behavior wasn't shitty.

She sent me some of the text messages, but I couldn't handle them, but now I'm trying to get them all. She's holding them over my head, like it's some sort of game

Please go NC with this toxic person. It is a game to her. She does not deserve to breath the same air as you do.

Are you in IC?

Hang in there.

la433 posted 5/11/2013 10:17 AM

(1) Why are you going to her for the texts? Get them from your husband. If he won't give them to you, you have a problem. You need to get all emails/cell phone records. The fact that he "confessed" this one incident means nothing.
(2) Whoa horsie on the R. It's too early to decide to do that. Take a step back and give yourself some time.
(3) The fact that he went on dates with her when it was supposed to be with you is very disturbing and makes me think there was way more going on than you know about. I'm sure all of those were dinner dates.
(4) Your depression had nothing to do with this. It is not your fault whatsoever. He should have been talking with you about your depression as hard as it can be with you, not her. He acted like a little boy. A real man would have at least just listened and not said anything when you wanted to talk about it. His frustration stemming from not being able to fix your depression and get you "in the mood" is not your fault and is not justification for an affair.
(5) There was nothing you could have done to prevent him from choosing this course of action. He deicided it was okay to confide in another female and let it go further-- that's all on him.
(6) You probably need to separate to clear your head. The mistake I'm seeing most people make on here is that they are both together in the house trying to work things out. He has violated your trust and that is not fixed overnight. You need time.
(7) Are you sure this is the only affair? Does he get angry when you question him?
(8) Does he admit that it was his fault completely, or does he put any blame on you whatsoever? If he in any way shape or form at any time tries to blame shift to you or something else, you know that he is not truly remorseful and ready for R.

Hang in there.

Skan posted 5/11/2013 20:37 PM

Hey there. Welcome. This is definately the place that you don't want to have a reason to come to, but you'll find that it's a place that will be a great resource for you. We are all here for your support.

First off, breathe. Big, deep breaths 5 seconds in, and 5 seconds out. Repeat until your shoulders start to relax a bit. Whenever you start to get frantic and your brain starts to go 1000 mph, go back to your deep, slow breathing. Fill the lungs and then empty them completely.

Next, take a look at the upper left corner, where there is a yellow box. Click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Theres a lot of good advice there for you. Also any post in this forum that has a bulls-eye next to is something that you should read as well. It's advice written from people who have been there and done that and are not thrilled that they got the t-shirt.

You need to take care of yourself. Eat, stay hydrated, rest when you can. You are feeling like a bus has run over you, stopped, and backed up over you again. That's normal. Your brain is going in a million directions, your body is tensed up, you may feel hyper-alert, you may feel rage, numbness, anger, anguish, and horror within 5 minutes of time. That's NORMAL. You have experienced true trauma. Your body and mind is going to react to that. Accept that you are not going crazy, you are trying to process something that no one should have to process.

And please. Keep coming back here for support. Vent away. Ask questions. We are each and every one of us here for you. And remember. You do not have to make One Stinking Decision right now. Take your time. You don't have to decide to walk. You don't have to decide to reconcile (R). You don't have to decide to make a decision about anything other than your health. Let it come in YOUR time. (((hugs)))

PurpleBirch posted 5/11/2013 21:10 PM

((FireStar)) I've been copying and pasting things to re-read for myself. I will share them with you:

Know that none if this is your fault. They were broken well before we came along. This is all the aftermath of toxic coping mechanisms of terribly broken people.

Adultery is an action, not a reaction.

Also if he didn't choose to tell you there was a problem for him, how would you know?

He did it because he's selfish and thought he could get away with it.

-------
I just want to emphasize again that it was not your fault. We are here for you.

FireStar83 posted 5/12/2013 08:25 AM

la433: Just a few responses. The only reason I am going to the woman for the texts/messages is because my H deleted them all to rid himself of all contact with her, and of course so there was no evidence. The reconciliation is something I know seems early to decide on, but I know in my heart that it will, in the end, be the right thing to do. I know I cannot blame my depression on HIS betraying me rationally, but I always blame myself for things. It is one thing I have never been able to break myself of, even in this case I really wish I could. He definitely does not get angry when I question him. You can see the remorse. He doesn't get defensive, even when I randomly take his phones just to make sure she's not calling or texting. And he has never once blamed me for this incident, he completely takes responsibility for his actions. I'm the one who lays blame on myself...again, low self esteem and depression will do that will do that to a person.

FireStar83 posted 5/12/2013 08:33 AM

I also wanted to thank those of you who have replied to far. The only people I have told so far are my two best friends. The one is actually friends with the HW, which unfortunately puts her in the middle. I haven't told my family or anyone else because I am just so humiliated about the whole situation. And on top of that there have been two deaths within the past two weeks. My H's grandmother died the day I found out about the affair and my sisters' father died last week, so it's not like I could be like "well that's all well and good, but everybody listen to my problem now". It's been very difficult putting on a brave face and being supportive to others when I have this horrible burden that I'm dealing with almost completely on my own. I am very thankful that I have found this site and now have a support system of people to talk to who have been there and who will not judge! Thank you again!!

twodoves posted 5/12/2013 08:36 AM

I'm sorry FireStar. I hope you have a lovely mother's day in spite of what's going on

Lalagirl posted 5/12/2013 16:01 PM

OW is NO friend. Of course you know this. Using yours and your WH's marital discord to swoop in and "save" him makes me want to puke. She's a needy, self-centered piece of shit!

And your WH - sounds like he has emotional maturity issues (as in lack thereof). Wah, wha, poor me.

Sorry, I know you're new...and I do not mean to come off harshly...I, like you, am a BS of a double betrayal only to find out through IC/MC that "she" was never my friend. Just a self-entitled, "all about her" soul sucking piece of trash.

Why do you feel like it is all your fault? Did he tell you that you were not there for him when he needed you? That she "understood him"? That is utter bullshit. If he were not happy in your M, he should have left before screwing around with your "friend". THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Isadora hit it right on the nose...HE is broken...and SHE does not deserve and never deserved the gift of your friendship.

Feel free to PM me as our situations are very similar. My FWH and I have reconciled, but it's not been easy and 6 years out, it's still hard on me. There are things that your H needs to do to help you heal. And you feeling like it is all your fault tells me he's not leaning in that direction.

R is a GIFT that you give to your H, not a GIVEN. Has he told her to go fuck off? That's step #1 in a series of many steps that need to happen. Does he defend her?

Sorry for all of the questions...again, if you don't want to talk publicly, PM me...I've been through hell and back and through a wonderful IC/MC, my FWH and I are on a good path...

Hugs sweetheart...