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Is it normal for the WS to be angry and highly irritated with u?

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FieldsOfLavender posted 5/11/2013 10:57 AM

With the way my cheating spouse has been treating me with anger, high irritation, and minimal/no communication, one would think I was the one who cheated. He started doing this about 4-6 months after he met his whore.


Starting at 7 months into his EA/PA, he punched me several times in 4 different occasions. He had never done this in the years that we had been married. Leading up to his affair.

LadyQ posted 5/11/2013 11:03 AM

It's probably born of a few different causes. One being guilt. The others are probably because he's trying to live in a way that is not authentic, so he takes it out on you when he's feeling the stress of that "cognitive dissonance". It could be that he is trying to piss you off enough that YOU finally say "enough!" and then he can paint you as the bad guy who ended the marriage. Anyway you slice it, he's trying to alleviate his negative feelings about what he's doing by taking it out on you. Sorry you fins yourself in that position, it's not fun...

movingfast posted 5/11/2013 11:25 AM

What LadyQ said....

They can't be angry at the ow, they don't want to accept responsibility for what they did, so you, the person who vowed to love unconditionally, is the easiest target. It's all about justification....

Take2 posted 5/11/2013 11:35 AM

anger, irritation, minimal contact... yeah normal enough.

he punched me several times in 4 different occasions.

^^Totally unacceptable - not "normal", not okay! not even during D/S!! This is dangerous! For this you need a RO!

Jayne Doe posted 5/11/2013 12:11 PM

I agree with Take 2 - Restraining ORDER time!!!

You do NOT need to take that shit from him. Physical abuse is NEVER acceptable.

IF he does it again - and I pray for you that he doesn't - take a picture of the bruises as proof.

About your initial question - YES it is normal, they were out having their cake with their favorite toppings and a wife at home. Now you are going to ruin it all - you have the power to ruin his lalaland. And that makes them grumpy.

Get that RO - please!!!!!

IrishLass518 posted 5/11/2013 12:16 PM

Yes, especially for unremorseful WS's. It is far easier to be angry, blame, excuse and justify their behavior on you than to take responsibility for their own choices. Get the RO cause going that far and to punch you is WAY TOO FAR. No one has the right to physically hurt you just because they are mad that they are caught in their own bad behavior.

Nature_Girl posted 5/11/2013 13:13 PM

My STBX would get so angry at me that he'd shake uncontrollably, turn red in the face with eyebrows that would turn black, his eyes would totally change to a deranged look. He'd sweat uncontrollably with an entirely different odor coming from him, He'd scream at me or the children, cursing us, and slobber would just fly. I never understood WHY he would get so enraged. What could I or our three little children have done to make any human being so angry?

Later, when I started to accept that he was a liar, a cheater, and was seriously not right in the head, it all made sense.

Vulcanized posted 5/11/2013 13:27 PM

With the way my cheating spouse has been treating me with anger, high irritation, and minimal/no communication, one would think I was the one who cheated. He started doing this about 4-6 months after he met his whore.

Yup. I felt the same way. Incredibly bizarre; we both knew who the cheater was, yet, XH would act so self righteous. XH would scream/rage/carry on until I finally had to NC him. It seems the calmer you are, the more insane they become. Could be the guilt, could be the lack of cake, could be plain old crazy.

Starting at 7 months into his EA/PA, he punched me several times in 4 different occasions. He had never done this in the years that we had been married. Leading up to his affair.

Mine also became violent for the first time ever. I moved after the first incident. Please, please, please, get a RO/OOP. I regret not having XH locked up the first time. Protect yourself; if you get RO in place, you can force him out of the home, I think. Bad enough to be cheated on, but to be his punching bag as well? FTG.

Amberdawn posted 5/11/2013 13:54 PM

The physical violence is unacceptable. You need to protect yourself. My job puts me in contact with situations just like this. They do escalate! You CANNOT look past this behavior. The anger, irritation, etc. is bad enough but, You add that to physical violence and the results will be disastrous!

FieldsOfLavender posted 5/11/2013 14:43 PM

Nature Girl, was your husband always abusive like you described? My husband showed this personality after he started his trysts.

Nature_Girl posted 5/11/2013 14:47 PM

He got this way as soon as we got married. Before the wedding day he was Mr. Charming. Wedding day forward he was the asshole from hell. HOWEVER, whenever he was involved with another woman he was ten times worse. I could always tell when he was cheating yet again due to his volatility and ramped-up hypercritism of me.

capri posted 5/11/2013 19:19 PM

Yes, I'd say it's quite normal. For exactly the reasons given above. Ironic. But normal.

FieldsOfLavender posted 5/12/2013 16:27 PM

After the 4th time, I warned WS that if he hit me again, I would call the police. The punching me seems so out of character for him. He said I was too in his face.

He was skyping his whore while I was sitting a foot away from him. I feel close to the point where I don't care anymore.

My biggest concern is telling our young child and the long commute, drop off, pick up at school.

Vulcanized posted 5/12/2013 17:42 PM

Please, please, please do something to protect yourself & your child. Abuse tends to escalate, and only gets worse, not better. Get him out of your home, or get you & your child out of the home.

Ashland13 posted 5/13/2013 11:37 AM

Yes, Perv has done this for a long time. Many people say he's angry with himself and an angry person in general so it comes over to me.

I think it's more like some of the posts here. I'm the "nag", the one who has boundaries, routines, schedules. I'm the one trying to get at the truth and have people be accountable. I'm the meanie.

I'm just trying to do what we're supposed to because we're alive.

And he anticipates arguing with me so is at the ready with his defensiveness. Instead of trying to think of how it could be a way we would both want, he just stomps around wanting things his way but saying I'm difficult. Yet, who is the toxic one?

And yes, if your WH has communication with you, he will see or hear your pain and Perv did admit that he could not handle that, so he avoided me and made it worse, including driving by me in the pouring rain like I was a stranger.

I hope there's a way you don't ever have to be in the vicinity of him, Fields of L and can maintain safety for yourself and children. Do you have a restraining order? I hope you can get one.

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