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changedibr posted 5/11/2013 12:57 PM

Whenever my bs mentions something like I can't believe you cheated on me or I can't believe you wanted to divorce me ( yes during the a I asked her for d) I get speechless. I have nothing to say. After a little I apologize and so forth but mostly I'm silent. Even when we're suppossed to talk about our r I'm always speechless. Does this go away naturally or do I have to make an effort. When I make an effort it just sounds so fake.

authenticnow posted 5/11/2013 13:48 PM

You have to make an effort. Make it from the heart. Tell her what your feelings are, why you are sorry, acknowledge her pain. Just having her feelings acknowledged will make a difference to her. People need to be heard, especially someone who has been hurt and betrayed so deeply.

You can't just stay silent, it won't just go away for her. Silence can show indifference, lack of caring. How would you feel if you were pouring out your feelings and pain to her and she just stayed silent?

needhelp123 posted 5/11/2013 14:42 PM

I understand how you are feeling. Not sure how close you are to DD. It took me a little while and some IC to gain my footing and really be able to communicate with my BS. I'm still a work in progress. I was never a very emotive person but realized that this characteristic was not something I wanted to be part of my future. And I've been like this my whole life. When I started I thought I sounded fake too. I asked my BS what she thought and she assured me that in fact it doesn't sound fake, it sounds like someone who is sharing his/her feelings. Part of this is becoming vulnerable. You've probably read in a few different places that you need to let go of the outcome. This is not easy and sometimes I struggle with this. But if you can, you might be more comfortable expressing yourself.

hardlessons posted 5/11/2013 17:45 PM

No, osmosis doesn't work. It would be nice and as a devout conflict avoider and someone who was taught that emotion was verboten from an early age I would have appreciated some naturally occurring help...

Inaction, silence etc are all things many of us Waywards did/do as part of our make up. You have to be actively making changes and moving towards healthy thinking if there is any chance of R. Giving your wife more of the same will not work.

What are you doing to find out why you do what you do?

changedibr posted 5/15/2013 15:23 PM

Needhelp123 thank you for your reply I'm glad someone can relate.

Hardlessons to be honest im not really doing anything specific to find out why im doing what i do.

To be more honest I think things maybe getting worse. I don't really show so much love and romanticism. I may give a kind word here and there but nothing too great. My bs tells me daily how much she needs to feel loved by me and I just keep going on as if life is fine. I guess I want life to be fine but my passive behavior and attitude is ruining our relationship.

To be brutally honest I don't know why. I'm just not really happy with my life right now. I had a dream about life and now everything is different. I like my job but don't love it I have a son and love him but I don't have any other family or friends either. She has a family that I see pretty often and they are great people but I just don't feel a part of them. So I'm feeling lonely, guess it would be the perfect time to be close with my wife huh. But stupid me just feels and stays so distant.

I don't need help I need a miracle. I keep thinking I need IC but again I'm just so lazy to do about to say ill give them a call tomorrow, we'll see,I hope I do.

blackkat posted 5/15/2013 15:30 PM

Hi Changed

I started out the same way ... I had no answers and just wanted it to go away and the questions stop.

It didnt and nor did the questions ... in the end we've developed a system of my BS putting questions down in writing and I respond in writing - gives me time to think and communicate properly ... its worked for us in that brutual first period. Might be worth a try.

But its v hard work - so you've got to be clear you want to try.

changedibr posted 5/15/2013 15:38 PM

Actually sounds like a good idea. Its always easier to write.

needhelp123 posted 5/15/2013 15:39 PM

Just do it. I have to say that besides talking with my BS (she has been extremely kind to me when I talk about the issues I'm dealing with) talking with my IC has been very helpful. At first I was afraid to broach certain subjects but at some point you may find yourself looking forward to actually going - to have an outlet. I know I do. You need to find the right fit. I went to one a year ago and thought I was making progress. In hindsight I was going through the motions and not being as upfront as I needed to be.

I'm sure you've read this already but work on yourself and you will find happiness. Yes it is hard and progress may be slow but I suspect the outcome will be well worth it.

Good luck.

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