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Im selfish?????

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Awake2012 posted 5/11/2013 14:22 PM

So, last night I informed my WS that I want a divorce. He just wants everything to go back to the way it was, including my being madly inlove as I was before. I told him I dont want anything to do with our marriage, it is just filled with tons of unhappy memories. I told him I dont want to be a wife and have no desire to be loving toward anyone. I just hate love right now. I just have no desire to feel those feelings I use to feel.

It makes me sick actually. He laid into me about how I havent thought of his needs at all and Im all about me these days. Then he called me selfish and then a psycho.

He really doesnt get it. He thinks that me heart shouldnt change at all after all this. He keeps telling me he just wants all of me and all of my heart back. Why cant he see my heart is broken? I always had a strong conviction against cheating because I know its permanent and it damages the heart and soul. But I was cheated on before so maybe, thats why I have always acknowledged that.

I just can understand how he can believe Im the selfish one for hurting and not meeting his needs when he is the one that had the A. Its was 3 1/2 months. But this was a family friend that he teasted and messed with for years before, so to me the A started when he sat with her and gave her attention I should have gotten. I mean if you show up with your spouse at a get together, you should spend some time with them while socializing. But he was always with her and if I walked near them they were never talking. Looking back now I realize that was a sign something was wrong. But never knew. The worse part about that is I have the memories of seeing them together, including in my own house. He never gave me the time of day when she was around.

Anyways, somehow, Im the selfish one? And psycho? I assume thats from my rollercoaster emotions.

I just wish I understood how his mind works, because he is really starting to seem like a sociopath to me. No empathy, no compassion, I wonder if he even has feelings.

He says he does but can never empathize with anyone else.

I am not really expecting any advice on this, I know not to let his lashouts get to me, I just wanted to vent a little of my bewilderment.

Because he never stops at amazing he with his sense of entitlement.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/11/2013 14:30 PM

Yea, the lack of awareness and indifference to your feelings is pretty stunning, isn't it?

One of the good things about it is that it continually acts to reinforce that removing yourself from his presence is, indeed, the correct move.

Hopefulguy posted 5/11/2013 14:32 PM

Good for you it doesn't sound like he has a clue or is in any way worthy of your love.

I wish you strength in these difficult times.

PurpleBirch posted 5/11/2013 14:48 PM

My WH said in MC that he wants the marriage that we had before we had a child together, so I get where you're coming from. I think it's not realistic at all to have the exact same marriage after all this time, and after all the things that have happened. Marriage is not static.

I think it's particularly ridiculous to expect to go back to the way things were when someone cheats on you. It may get close, but never the same.

I'm so sorry that it was a friend of yours. I somehow think that would be harder to take. In my case the OW knew he was married, and I thought that was bad enough. I would obviously never speak to that friend ever again.

Awake2012 posted 5/11/2013 14:48 PM

He also doesnt understand I believe there were others over the years. Looking back now, he trained me early on that it was unacceptable to get upset at him for flirting. Over the years, I believed it didnt even bother me and he was in total control.

But now I think back to this time that he confronted me about a condom in the toilet. He asked me what the hell was that and I was immediately defensive saying I didnt know. We didnt use condoms at the time and had no roommates. But I had two small kids and just assumed they must have found one somewhere and played with it. Gross I know, but they had gotten into a box a condoms years earlier when we were still using them. I truly thought nothing of it.

I was a cockail waitress and had worked double shifts every friday night and saturday night. I usually got home around 6 in the morning. So it was not like I could sneak a guy into the bed he was sleeping in. But looking back now, why challenge me when he knew that?

The only reason I can think of, he was worried I saw it. When we did use condoms, he flushed them. So what? He had to plant a seed in my head that it wasnt his?

And there are all the years of him accusing me that I have probably cheated. When all I did was work and go to school. I didnt have free time. Only Sundays, and I was always home. I never went out without him. Never.

But he always told me we would probably end with me cheating on him because girls are scandulous.

Another thing I have a problem with. Why does he think girls are so easy? From experience?

I just have no desire to give my heart to anyone anymore. The benefits just dont outweigh the costs.

Awake2012 posted 5/11/2013 15:04 PM

Oh, and I have no problem or hatred for the OW. She was a family friend, but we were never close . We spoke maybe a sentence or two here and there. She was always talking and joking with WS when I was around. And she is only one year older than my daughter, so I know how easy it is to get them to believe, what they want to believe in the first place. And young hearts are craving love so bad. She didnt stand a chance against my experienced charming WS. So I dont hate her and have told her, she can call anytime. Though she wont, she is very embarrassed. And she did apologize. And she was the one that told me how far the relationship went, wish I had asked how long. But her words were all over the place, so I think she minimized too. But I am done fact finding. I dont care. And I hope she learned something because there are alot of snakes in the world.

Conflicted1 posted 5/11/2013 15:08 PM

Saying they want to go back to the way things were would infuriate me. To me that means I should go back to blindly trusting someone while they disrespect me. If those dynamics don't change then it will be ground hog day. And THAT is not acceptable. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.

Take2 posted 5/11/2013 15:08 PM

It was those kind of odd memories when things didn't add up, that made me push until Dday 2. Yes, there were others. Yes, he used to attack to shut me down when he thought I was on to him, or that he might be vulnerable or exposed. He'd start a fight, or accuse me of having too close of a relationship with a male friend. No empathy. and I looked up the definition of sociopath, because I could not fathom his behavior, and people that knew him kept using that term post Dday. He too wanted to "resume the marriage" but he wasn't "gonna live like a dog with his tail between his legs for the rest of his life!" Hell, he didn't bare the shame for more than 20 min at a time....

I don't get it either. I'll never understand how a person can do that to someone they supposedly love. Unless they don't really know what love is....? I can't explain it - but you are not alone in this strange foreign landscape, and you will survive this and thrive in time.


Awake2012 posted 5/11/2013 15:14 PM

Thank you Conflicted. I feel the same way. There is no way in hell I will give him that, and be that blind stupid inlove doormat ever again. He had it and had no tolerance for me. Never spent any time with me and cheated, disrespected, and slandered me to others. I will never be her again, that is one promise to myself.

Its so stupid, they want what they had, that at the time they didnt want. They dont even treat their dogs like that. Like we are toys with no feelings or needs. And they will play with us when they want, and ignore us when they want, and still expect us to be there so desperate for attention. It just doesnt work that way for me.

Awake2012 posted 5/11/2013 15:37 PM

Does a name in double parenthesis have a special meaning? I see it alot

avicarswife posted 5/11/2013 19:31 PM

(( )) are virtual hugs.

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