This is just a sad little post, really. People have always thought we were an awesome couple because, for most of our relationship, our adoration has been clear. The people who know what my husband did think he lost his mind as he has always been so loving. He thinks he lost his mind, too, and was so depressed at the time he says now it's like looking at someone elses' crimes. I am not accepting that as a reason; I was depressed, too, and I didn't have an affair.
Anyway, last week when we were out, a friend who came to our wedding reception mentioned, "your lovely friends who sang". We just stood there paralysed, as the lovely friend who sang was the AP. Incidentally, today we were talking about nudity (my husband is a performance artist, sometimes topless) and I said the only place he refused to take his clothes off was on a nudist beach. He said, "I see nudity as a sexual thing". I said, "I let her draw you naked" (the AP is an artist). I suddenly felt so hollowed out and stupid. How did I let that happen? Why did I trust her? Why didn't I realise she had a crush on him? She was always so over the top lovely to me, always said what a fantastic couple we were. I let her into my life utterly, moreso than anyone else.
Today, I said something silly about watching couples in restaurants intimately talking and sometimes feeling inferior if we are sitting in silence (not discordant silence, just quietness while eating) but then overhearing conversations and realising they're talking about kitchens or how awesome Thatcher was and feeling better.
My friend said, "You're a brilliant couple" and I just felt very sad. I don't feel like we are, I feel like we're now a broken one. I've mentioned before that I now feel as though our marriage- and us as people- are a sham. I see families with kids and think, how can we have kids now? We wanted them; now we can't until things are more stable. When will that even be?
I just feel so sad this is part of our history.