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hobbeskat posted 5/11/2013 16:42 PM

This is just a sad little post, really. People have always thought we were an awesome couple because, for most of our relationship, our adoration has been clear. The people who know what my husband did think he lost his mind as he has always been so loving. He thinks he lost his mind, too, and was so depressed at the time he says now it's like looking at someone elses' crimes. I am not accepting that as a reason; I was depressed, too, and I didn't have an affair.

Anyway, last week when we were out, a friend who came to our wedding reception mentioned, "your lovely friends who sang". We just stood there paralysed, as the lovely friend who sang was the AP. Incidentally, today we were talking about nudity (my husband is a performance artist, sometimes topless) and I said the only place he refused to take his clothes off was on a nudist beach. He said, "I see nudity as a sexual thing". I said, "I let her draw you naked" (the AP is an artist). I suddenly felt so hollowed out and stupid. How did I let that happen? Why did I trust her? Why didn't I realise she had a crush on him? She was always so over the top lovely to me, always said what a fantastic couple we were. I let her into my life utterly, moreso than anyone else.

Today, I said something silly about watching couples in restaurants intimately talking and sometimes feeling inferior if we are sitting in silence (not discordant silence, just quietness while eating) but then overhearing conversations and realising they're talking about kitchens or how awesome Thatcher was and feeling better.

My friend said, "You're a brilliant couple" and I just felt very sad. I don't feel like we are, I feel like we're now a broken one. I've mentioned before that I now feel as though our marriage- and us as people- are a sham. I see families with kids and think, how can we have kids now? We wanted them; now we can't until things are more stable. When will that even be?

I just feel so sad this is part of our history.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 4:55 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

jo2love posted 5/11/2013 21:39 PM

(((hobbes)))

I'm sorry you are triggering today. There are better days ahead.

[This message edited by jo2love at 9:41 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

Jrazz posted 5/11/2013 23:35 PM

I hear you. We were supposed to be having our second now, but that has been put on hold.

You're young, and your DDay was very recent. With hard work from him, and strength from you, you can work back to a place where starting a family makes sense again.

Sending bug hugs.

(((hobbeskat)))

Patchy posted 5/12/2013 11:20 AM

I'm feeling for you. I feel the same when I think of "how could I have let" . . . them be together. For you letting her draw him, for me letting her run alone with him. Not realizing the more I heard her name mentioned by him, the more I should have been questioning. It was during those times that nothing was going on, but they were leading to it. Like your husband, my husband didn't sleep with her, but they kissed and they had an extremely strong emotional bond.

When I read your post about people making innocent comments, it reminded me of the wedding we just went to when my cousin talked about how in love we are and how great that is. Comments like that are weird, cause we ARE in love. We are probably more in love than we've ever been. Yet she has no idea what we've been going through and the pain we are both in.

But I know we are going to be okay and, in fact, more than okay. You guys will too. Keep on keepin one. Take one day at a time.

hobbeskat posted 5/12/2013 17:41 PM

Thank you everyone. I sometimes need to hear a bit of reassurance. x