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Can we make it work?

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dontknowanymore1 posted 5/11/2013 17:38 PM

hi. my partner was cheating on me. i knew 9 days agao but he admitted it, at last, 5 days ago.
im trying to make things work as on day 3 i accepted that i love him, yes he has hurt me, yes hes betrayed me, but i want to believe our love would take more then this to break.

So, Thursday night he gos out. we dont live together but generally stay with each other. when we dont, i go there first thing, let myself in and make a cup of tea.
anyway friday morning comes, i turn up, put my key in the door and hes at the other side holding it shut saying you cant come in jim ( a really good friend of his) is here. i knew it was crap but i swallowed it and left, not knowing what else to do
he called an hour or so later is said jims gone, come round, so i go and theres blonde hair on the living room floor, jim has black hair. theres a bottle of ice tea and wine on the kitchen side, empty of course. i couldnt say anything i just couldnt bring myself to do it.
he was acting strange all day and in the evening i just asked him outright and he said it was jim that was here, noone else.

didnt belive him, but really wanted to. well tuesday, he asked me to send a text from his phone as hed forgot his glasses.
This is when everything crashed.

Texts from a woman id never heard of...i know all his female friends. the texts were disturbing, talking about what a great night they had and when to meet up again.
The worst part is that on monday night, he had said he might go out, hearing this i threw up (he didnt know i threw up) then just sat, but then he let me know he wasnt gouing out, and could he come to mine.
Well he came round, and we did have sex.
Then tuesday morning iread the messages, he was going to sleep with her monday night, but she couldnt make it and wanted to arrange a different date.
of course this sucks!! i was second best.
Hh swears that thursday was the first time. i think i believe him, cause there were no signs before this,
he says it was a drunken mistake, but if this is the case then why the messages, why the attempts at meetings!

Immediatly he deleted her number and apologised.
i ran to my sisters 200 miles away and stayed for 2 days.

I have been messaging and calling him in howls of pain and screaming at him and questioning him,
to his credit, he is answering my questions, when i scream and rant and put the phone down, im getting a simple text after saying im sorry and i love you.

I just cant sleep, ive eaten one potatoe waffle in a week, sometimes im physically sick and im howling, not crying but howling in pain uncontrollably.

he is trying and i know its very early but i do belive he is truely sorry.

Today tough, we had sex, because i wanted to feel close to him, i wanted to feel like he WANTED ME!! i got a few movies but i pushed them down and afterwards i felt like i knew he wanted me, but that perhaps i wasnt ready, and it may be a while before it happens again.
i also cant go into his house because i see her everywhere.

i just dont know how this will go away.

this is the only man i ever trusted. we have been together 4 years. ive tried to find reason, but what, Was she prettire then me? well i know her and id like to think she isnt!! did we not do what he wanted in the bedroom? i tried to try everything and hes always said hes happy.
I asked why i wasnt enough but he doesnt understand this question. ive tried to explain that to me, he is enough, so i dont chest, but im obviously not enough for hiom......he swears i am.

Now the other issue. we live in a small town, the woman works in the pub, and will untill august when she emmigrates. ive said he cant go pub and hes accepted that but i feel bad as it means he cant go out full stop!! but how can i sit knowing he is there and she could walk in any moment.

Hes told me how sorry he is, that he will do all it takes to get me through this, and i can see the pain in his eyes when he sees my pain, so i think im right to think he wants to get through this too??

Hopefulguy posted 5/11/2013 18:35 PM

Welcome to SI,

As others have told me its a club you never wanted to join and the undeserved actions of another have landed you here.

First up, read. Read lots. Go to the healing library (top left corner in the yellow box) and click the articles link at the top. The first thing I would read is the article by Dr. Glass or something like that it provides an excellent road map to almost everything as sadly affair take the same shape for some reason and your experiences are similar to so many others on here hence the club.

First up. It's not your fault. Nothing you did or or did not do, said or did not say led him to have an affair. The affair is a utterly selfish act, he chose to be there for whatever reasons (more likely poor justifications as you'll see in the coming weeks).

Also you may need to wait to truly decide if reconciliation is what you want, to quote others again what you have found may just be the tip of an iceberg.

If you are interested you don't need to decide on anyone's time table but your own.

You've just a been dealt one of the worst psychological traumas a person can experience, it will take time to gather perspective.

I should know as my WS confessed an affair to me five days ago and I've been learning how to deal with it ever since.

dontknowanymore1 posted 5/11/2013 19:32 PM

Hi thankyou. I don't really know what I'm looking for in this site I just know its very hard alone! I'm hoping we can make it work, but I also am prepared for this to take time, or for it not to be possible at all. Here's hoping. Sorry your having to go through this too. I honestly didn't think I could hurt this much and never thought it could cause physical pain too.

BrokenBill posted 5/11/2013 20:13 PM

Hi dontknowanymore1

Dare i say welcome! It's not where any of us want to be. The good news is you are not on your own and this site has a lot to help us understand and make sense of our situations. It's kept me sane and given me some direction the past month or so, i'm still a wreck though.

I read your post and i'm so so sorry.
One thing is for sure it will never "go away", it will heal over time with effort and trying but will always be a scar on your soul, whether you are together or apart. It's done. So i believe for that reason and because you said you still love him, that it's surely worth more, then you should TRY and save your relationship. It's a very adult and very brave thing to do and i respect you for doing that, well done.

Having said that though, you need to be putting YOU first right now. You need to start moving forward in your life, for YOU. It doesn't mean rejecting him, just shifting focus back to yourself. It's very early days so be kind to yourself too. You must exercise and throw your anger/energy into that, it will help you sleep and get your appetite up a bit. When you do eat, eat good food, not junk food. I lost 14kg in 4 weeks from not eating or sleeping and cried enough to fill a large swimming pool.

Avoid Xanax or meds if at all possible. They are not your friend believe me. You will end up with more problems than you bargained for. Massage i found helped me relax, the proper 1 hr full body type.

Try and be with someone you trust (confidential) and who loves you (family/friend, but certainly not an ex!) and talk to them. Their advice may not be what you want to hear BUT their support will be of great comfort and that's what you need. My friends have been fantastic, but are just saying divorce divorce divorce! I have chosen to give my wife a second chance, something that blows their minds! But, none of them have been through this! I simply asked them to accept my choice and support me, not judge me. If there ever was a true test of your love for someone, boy this is it!!!! I also love my wife despite it all.

Crying to a cheating partner i found of limited value, it's important they see you like that, see the damage, but regrettably they just feel GUILTY, not really SORRY (well my wife anyway). If they were really sorry they would do a lot more than just say "i love you!". Words are cheap, especially to a liar, it's their ACTIONS that say "I'm sorry", "I love you", "I want you"!

There are some very helpful articles here on SI if you go to the Betrayed spouse FAQ section, the path to that is ...Click on:

The Healing Library > Frequently Asked Questions > BS FAQ

Alternately type or paste this into your browser and it will load the page:

Good luck, keep strong and hope this helped you.


dontknowanymore1 posted 5/12/2013 04:41 AM

hi, thanks for that, I know no one wants to be hear, but its comforting reading peoples stories and knowing that people get through this!

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