[This message edited by Joanh at 5:54 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]
We are suppose to supportive to our BS and still be real. well how do you do that with a smile when it is fake. That's not real. Im sad I want to cry to when he is mad, sad hurt, anxious etc. Am I suppose to smile when I know he's having a bad day. When the pain is in his face! What do I do
I agree with housenotahome, that you need to be genuine. While smiling may not be genuine, it can help you to start a pattern, to get used to things that are or have been uncomfortable to you in the past. So, maybe fake smiling is the wrong way to look at it or the wrong term. Obviously, you aren't going to fake smile if he's mad, but you can be genuine and present with that emotion.
Fake it till you make it...it is something that can help you to break your normal patterns. And those normal patterns are probably a result of what you learned as a kid. As much as everyone likes to think they are good parents, there is going to be something that happens that is probably going to require IC for our kids when they get older. I say that half-jokingly...but given that my childhood was pretty normal, my parents are still together after almost 50 years, and I've never done drugs or been arrested (I know...there are a ton of other things out there...), I feel like I should be as stable as anyone else, yet I'm a WH too. And it came down to how I developed coping mechanisms to deal with my fears that I learned as a child. Changing that involved IC, being open to the possibility that I was screwed up and that my coping mechanisms were what got me into trouble, and faking it through when I wasn't feeling it sometimes.
Another thing...your BH has told you some very specific things that he needs/wants from you. My BW did that too, and at first I resisted thinking that what she needed wasn't going to work for me. That is where I started to trust that she was right, and that she knew better than me what the best path forward was going to be. That didn't mean that I didn't do some things my way, or that I gave up all control of my life, but in learning to trust someone who is willing to love me after all of the hurt I've piled on them, I've learned that it's okay to give up control over the outcome. And it's worked so far. (I hate to caveat this...but sometimes a BS's path forward is not the right one. You need to be honest with yourself though, is it that the BS is wrong, or that you are afraid of the change in yourself.)
I don't think this is wrong at all. My H and I were both emotionally exhausted after talking about the A on a daily basis. Fortunately, we had a vacation planned already and agreed that we would not discuss the A during it. Instead we focused on us and starting to rebuild the intimacy that was lacking in our relationship. And after our vacation, we felt refreshed and closer.
Are we fixed? Absolutely not, but we are moving forward everyday, taking it in baby steps.
Maybe you could find time to get away, even just for a weekend, to focus on your M and not the A.
[This message edited by bookjunkie at 8:29 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]