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we can make this work, right?

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dontknowanymore1 posted 5/11/2013 17:54 PM

hi. my partner was cheating on me. i knew 9 days agao but he admitted it, at last, 5 days ago.
im trying to make things work as on day 3 i accepted that i love him, yes he has hurt me, yes hes betrayed me, but i want to believe our love would take more then this to break.

So, Thursday night he gos out. we dont live together but generally stay with each other. when we dont, i go there first thing, let myself in and make a cup of tea.
anyway friday morning comes, i turn up, put my key in the door and hes at the other side holding it shut saying you cant come in jim ( a really good friend of his) is here. i knew it was crap but i swallowed it and left, not knowing what else to do
he called an hour or so later is said jims gone, come round, so i go and theres blonde hair on the living room floor, jim has black hair. theres a bottle of ice tea and wine on the kitchen side, empty of course. i couldnt say anything i just couldnt bring myself to do it.
he was acting strange all day and in the evening i just asked him outright and he said it was jim that was here, noone else.

didnt belive him, but really wanted to. well tuesday, he asked me to send a text from his phone as hed forgot his glasses.
This is when everything crashed.

Texts from a woman id never heard of...i know all his female friends. the texts were disturbing, talking about what a great night they had and when to meet up again.
The worst part is that on monday night, he had said he might go out, hearing this i threw up (he didnt know i threw up) then just sat, but then he let me know he wasnt gouing out, and could he come to mine.
Well he came round, and we did have sex.
Then tuesday morning iread the messages, he was going to sleep with her monday night, but she couldnt make it and wanted to arrange a different date.
of course this sucks!! i was second best.
Hh swears that thursday was the first time. i think i believe him, cause there were no signs before this,
he says it was a drunken mistake, but if this is the case then why the messages, why the attempts at meetings!

Immediatly he deleted her number and apologised.
i ran to my sisters 200 miles away and stayed for 2 days.

I have been messaging and calling him in howls of pain and screaming at him and questioning him,
to his credit, he is answering my questions, when i scream and rant and put the phone down, im getting a simple text after saying im sorry and i love you.

I just cant sleep, ive eaten one potatoe waffle in a week, sometimes im physically sick and im howling, not crying but howling in pain uncontrollably.

he is trying and i know its very early but i do belive he is truely sorry.

Today tough, we had sex, because i wanted to feel close to him, i wanted to feel like he WANTED ME!! i got a few movies but i pushed them down and afterwards i felt like i knew he wanted me, but that perhaps i wasnt ready, and it may be a while before it happens again.
i also cant go into his house because i see her everywhere.

i just dont know how this will go away.

this is the only man i ever trusted. we have been together 4 years. ive tried to find reason, but what, Was she prettire then me? well i know her and id like to think she isnt!! did we not do what he wanted in the bedroom? i tried to try everything and hes always said hes happy.
I asked why i wasnt enough but he doesnt understand this question. ive tried to explain that to me, he is enough, so i dont chest, but im obviously not enough for hiom......he swears i am.

Now the other issue. we live in a small town, the woman works in the pub, and will untill august when she emmigrates. ive said he cant go pub and hes accepted that but i feel bad as it means he cant go out full stop!! but how can i sit knowing he is there and she could walk in any moment.

Hes told me how sorry he is, that he will do all it takes to get me through this, and i can see the pain in his eyes when he sees my pain, so i think im right to think he wants to get through this too??

reallysad2012 posted 5/11/2013 18:13 PM

I'm so sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. Hang on. You will get better advice from others than I can give, but I had to get something out there for you.

Frist, you need to realize you did nothing to cause this. I know it is hard, because I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and vulnerability even though in my situation I had little reason to feel that way.

Second, you are setting up boundaries when you ask him not to go to the pub where she works and you should not feel bad about it at all. If he is accepting this without a fight, it is a good sign. You should not change your mind on this.

Now, there are a bunch more things I feel confident that others here will be able to help you with, but those two things were what popped out for me.

sisoon posted 5/11/2013 18:24 PM

I just cant sleep, ive eaten one potatoe waffle in a week, sometimes im physically sick and im howling, not crying but howling in pain uncontrollably.

he is trying and i know its very early but i do belive he is truely sorry.

Hmmm...I think you're not seeing what's in front of you, if I correctly understand what you write about Thursday.

If your life were fiction (and I don't think it is), a writer might say your inability to eat would be related to the dissonance between what you say you believe and what you experienced Thursday night and yesterday morning and the way you started this thread. It sounds like he's still cheating. (Alas, real life is a lot more complex than fiction, so the above is just speculation.)

Words count, but actions count a lot more.

You can't make this work alone. You and he can make it work if you both do the necessary work, and it looks like he's not ready.

Have you read the healing library? (See link in yellow box, upper left of SI pages.)

Gently, why are you jumping to trust him again after all this? Why not protect yourself and insist he do at least some work on himself before recommitting yourself to your relationship?

He's cheating because he's broken, not because of anything you did, so there's nothing you can do to make him stop cheating. He'll stop cheating when he decides to fix himself and heal.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:21 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

dontknowanymore1 posted 5/11/2013 19:38 PM

I don't know. I think its easier to believe. I know that sounds silly but I don't know if I could take more pain. I want to believe him.
He's trying I think. He's been in tears he's listening, answering and not getting angry at me.
I know he shouldn't be angry at me but honestly some of the things I've said are horrible, but he seems to understand that I have to go through this. He's held me while I cry, and I think I need him to help me understaand before I'm ready to move on, be that to the relationship as I hope, or to move on from him. Hope this makes sense as I'm very tired and confused LOL .

blakesteele posted 5/11/2013 21:01 PM

Glad you are both working on this.

Proceed with caution....I was too quick to think my wife was remorseful and read way to much into small gestures on her part. I would like to point out that for the the first 3 months immediately following our DD my wifes fog was heavy and thick...and looking back now this remorseful wife crumbs were just an illusion I generated from within my own selfish desires that any real remorse or guilt was being felt by my wife.

Just lately I have come to realize that I am too quick to read things into our R quick to paint all bad...and paint all good. The ALL BAD feelings are called out into the opening by my wife and our Counselor.

The ALL GOOD feeling is left as fact by my wife and encouraged by my counselor.

But neither is helpful.

I am really struggling too.

God be with us all.

ShockedAndHurt posted 5/12/2013 03:45 AM

Massive hugs. The devastation of DDay is traumatic. Not eating is a common response to trauma, but you do need to make sure you look after yourself. As soon as you are ready try to eat something light and easy, like some fruit or soup.

The boundaries you set are appropriate, please do not feel guilty. If he is willing to do the work then there is hope. Get him to read the healing library on here, and make sure you read a lot too.


ShockedAndHurt posted 5/12/2013 03:47 AM

Also, I wonder if he wanted to get caught. If he knew you would be coming around, why was she still there? And why on earth did he want you to send a text from his phone when he knew what you would easily find on there? I'm not sure what to make of that, you may want to ask him about this.

dontknowanymore1 posted 5/12/2013 04:44 AM

honestly, I don't know why she was still there, I know theyd not just wok up as hed text me at 7 am and said he was still out with jim, so I thought id go round and do a bit of cleaning !! I don't know a lot to think about but still so confused right now!

blakesteele posted 5/12/2013 05:13 AM

I am so grateful you found this site as early as you did.

I did not find it until 3 months after my DD. It would have helped me avoid a lot of mistakes that I did

Visit this site as many posts as you will help.

God be with you both.

dontknowanymore1 posted 5/12/2013 18:33 PM

hi, so today, not even 7 days after his confession, I get told that I should stop crying, stop getting angry and "be ok"!!!! ive explained that I cant, this is something I have to go through and I don't have a choice, if I did, I wouldn't be going through it!!! and he wouldn't have put me in this situation!
well tonight I get the most soul crushing text of my life............"get in your car take your kids and go!"

I don't understand how he thinks this is reasonable, especially followed by I love you!

well I think its safe to say I don't want to fix this, im done!!

based on everyone else, I guess I might change my mind again, but honestly I hope not, as this kind of behaviour is not something im willing to accept!

all I can say is thank goodness he aint here as I might be up on an assault charge!!

somanyyears posted 5/12/2013 19:35 PM

..from what i've read here, i'd have to say...'lose this cake eating ----!' deserve way better than this... and you know it too!

..sorry you're here, but it is the best place you could have found.


[This message edited by somanyyears at 7:37 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

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