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Guy43123 posted 5/11/2013 19:20 PM

My wife has been gone for 11 days and is probably with the OM at this very moment. Technically we are separated but divorce will most likely be the end result. I'd prefer to not get into the details, but this time around was bad, real bad.

Anyway, I'm sitting here in a partially cleaned out house utterly alone and just about to go out of my mind. I can't eat or sleep without great difficulty and the pain in the pit of my stomach is almost unbearable.

Help me get through this. I don't care how... talk to me.

PurpleBirch posted 5/11/2013 19:23 PM

I don't have the right words to make things better for you. Just know that there are people here who hope you make it through the night ok. I know you said you couldn't eat, but is there any way you could have a protein shake?

Guy43123 posted 5/11/2013 19:29 PM

I haven't eaten more than a sandwich in 5 days so it might help to get something in me. My options are limited right now though. This is so bad that I sold my guns the other day for fear I'd use one on myself. I am not suicidal, but didn't want to risk it. I do miss her and can't seem to come to terms with being completely alone. It's been 20 years since I was single and I forgot what it was like until now, only now is complicated by overwhelming pain... blinding pain.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/11/2013 19:49 PM

Lots and lots of hugs to you.

Ditto on the protein shakes. I've survived many days on these alone.. I like the Special K ones, every flavor. It's so hard to eat and sleep with the pain of infidelity, but you will feel a lot better when you are able to get some rest and get something in your stomach..

Please know you're not alone, and this woman does NOT deserve you. And you did NOTHING wrong to deserve this. She has major issues. Please don't feel like you did anything wrong. She always had a choice to leave if she wanted, but she chose to cheat instead, and that is serious head trauma for sure that no one deserves..

Good luck to you. ((((((Guy))))))

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 7:49 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

SBB posted 5/11/2013 20:02 PM

We've all been there friend. There's nothing we can say to make it go by faster because the only way through it is through it.

I remember the agony well. Your words burn me like a white hot poker. But it has now passed.

I thought I would die of heartbreak. I really did. I thought I would just bleed out and fade away.

Now I look back, shake my head and think "That guy? THAT is the guy that had me on my knees? That is the guy I felt like I was dying over?????".

You WILL get through this friend. I promise you that. You will see this all as a blessing in disguise. I am slowly learning to be grateful for the lessons this shit has taught me.

Be gentle with yourself. Look after yourself as best you can. I lost 20kgs in a month. Let yourself grieve this. Drink lots of water. Force yourself to eat something. Lay down and nap throughout the day. Don't torture yourself with mind movies.

Whenever you miss her remember her face as she cut your heart out. Remember her eyes as she lied to you.

You are in shock. Your world has just been altered in a huge way.

It will pass. You will feel good again. You won't hurt this bad forever. In time you'll only feel a twinge every now and then.

That damn four letter word - time. But you've also got to keep looking after yourself lest you fall down that rabbit hole.

((Guy43123)) Know that none if this is your fault. They were broken well before we came along. This is all the aftermath of toxic coping mechanisms of terribly broken people.

One day you'll be thankful that she set you free. But for now - just breathe, sometimes just getting through the next second, the next minute, the next hour is all you need to do.

Just breathe.

Guy43123 posted 5/11/2013 20:11 PM

The only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that I've been through this before... with the same woman, only I hadn't married her yet. I know, a HUGE mistake on my part, and now I am paying the price for that mistake.

It was a bad marriage almost from the start. She cheated multiple times and I knew very well that when something came along to upset her, she'd do it again, and again, but I stayed for fear of being alone.

My situation is far worse than her leaving me. While I co-own the home with her, I will have to go live with my mother for a time until the house is sold. But it gets worse, I have to stay in the house until I finish remodeling it before it can ever be sold. Before, I was working to make a better home for my wife and I, but now it is just an empty shell, full of painful memories, and having to work to improve it is killing me inside.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/11/2013 21:47 PM

She cheated multiple times and I knew very well that when something came along to upset her, she'd do it again, and again, but I stayed for fear of being alone.

That's some terrible coping mechanisms she has, but the good thing is, she is NOT your problem anymore..

I understand your fear of being alone, I had it too.. But counseling and reaching out on this website has helped tremendously, because there's some issues there that can be worked on, low self-esteem, co-dependency, etc., so I think that would help you too.. You need to figure out why you allowed this woman to treat you so horribly so many times, cause you don't deserve that, no one does..

If she has tried to blame her cheating on stress, you, anything else but herself, please know that's complete bullshit. She made a choice. She always had the choice to LEAVE you first. Perhaps you have always let her blame it on other things and that's why things never got better, because she was never willing to put the blame where it belongs, on herself, and deal with her own issues.

Good luck with your house, sounds like a lot of work, so I hope it goes smoothly for you. Try to picture that all the work you're doing is for yourself, to give yourself a better new beginning.

Lots of hugs to you..

Williesmom posted 5/11/2013 22:02 PM

((Guy)) I hear you. My Wxh cheated on me while we were dating. I was married to him for 19 years, and he cheated on me throughout the marriage also.

One minute at a time. Just get through it. Keep busy, and see your Dr. for med to help you sleep.

The sharpness of your pain will become a dull ache with time. It gets better, but it takes time.

Know that you did all that you could to save the marriage. She is not worthy of you. You can do this.

Jayne Doe posted 5/11/2013 22:06 PM

The only thing I can tell you is that I know exactly how you are feeling right now.
Those are the worst of days and I know they feel like they will never end.

Here are some ways that I coped.
Walked, I'd put on my headphones and go for long walks.
Music - I don't think I would have gotten thru if it wasn't for music. I'd go on Youtube and search for songs to make me cry. Songs that sent a message of FU. Songs that gave me strength. I made playlists and I would listen and listen.
Movies - dumb, stupid movies that would hold my interest but not make me have to analyze or get into any deep thinking.
And SI. I would sit here for hours and read and read.

You WILL get thru this. You will!

Keep yourself hydrated at the very least. Water. Juice. Try and get something down. You need your strength, you're body is in a state of shock right now and you need to take care of yourself.

Just know that everything you are feeling is normal and it will get better. You will feel stronger. And there will be a day when you will think of her and say GOOD RIDDANCE.

Sending hugs!!

dmari posted 5/11/2013 23:07 PM

You have come to the right place Guy43123. This part is physically the hardest part. PLEASE know that what you are going through IS trauma. Don't minimize it. It will hurt like hell. The physical pain does not last. YOU MUST stay hydrated. If you can't eat, then drink at least smoothies or ensure. You need nutrients. As much as you need your sleep, it may be impossible. Please consider seeing your doctor for xanax to take the edge off. You will still feel the hard range of emotions but it will allow you to sleep. Read here constantly. Do not be embarrassed ~ get support from friends and family.

Remember, you are experiencing trauma and grief. Very very real. The death of the woman you thought you married, the marriage itself, future plans with your WS.

Please post often. We care about you.

IrishLass518 posted 5/12/2013 09:08 AM

((((Guy43123))))
I remember those days well. I couldn't eat more than a small bag of apple slices every couple days and would usually throw that up. I existed on coffee and cigarettes (NOT RECOMMENDED. I found that when I cried it helped, allowing myself to FEEL the pain allowed me to HEAL. It took a long time. I watched movies, I listened to songs, I made it through. It did help to live with my family again. They knew me and loved me and encouraged me to be better. Post, read and vent here often. It helps too, a lot.

IrishLass518 posted 5/12/2013 11:26 AM

PS Alone hasn't been terrible. I actually enjoy it. I have control of the remote. I get to pick the restaurants. I decide what groceries I buy with no guilt. I don't have to answer "where is all of our money?" I get to read the books I like, listen to music I like, talk to whomever I chose and the list goes on. Alone is not bad, I have re discovered myself and I know that I can make it with or without someone else in my life. I like me and that is very valuable

bbee posted 5/12/2013 12:16 PM

(((Guy))) I remember what you're going through. Believe me, it WILL get better. It takes time, but you will get through this.

Please, be sure to drink lots of water. You do not want a kidney stone on top of all the other crap.

devistatedmom posted 5/12/2013 19:25 PM

Take it easy on yourself Guy. Drink water. If you can't remember to eat, at least make sure you have water around. Try to eat something when you think of it. I know it's tough.

One thought for you, although you don't have to make a decision on it now...first, you get through one day at a time. But the house? Nothing says you have to finish the remodel if being there is painful. Yes, you will get less money for it selling without it done, but, is the amount worth your sanity?

Ashland13 posted 5/13/2013 08:24 AM

HI Guy,

I'm sorry for your rough time. It is pain like nothing I ever felt before. I have a chronic disease and have given birth, but absolutely nothing prepared me for the depth of this very personal agony, as you are going through now.

Yes, my belly gets to feeling like a pit. I lost 30 pounds in a few weeks time and slept about an hour a night. The pills don't work for me. They knock me out but I'm a single mom now so can't do that.

I, too, and DD are losing the house we built. It's a log house and another dream that Perv has ruined for us without telling me.

A lot of soul searching has led to a few answers for me and I don't know if they will help you, but I too, hung onto him because it was familiar and I think I've been born to be a married person.

He hid himself away while married -20 years of it-and I think finally burst apart when he lost a second job in two years. He then turned all of his failures on me and gets mad about my successes, so is going to take me down further and force me out of our house.

Anyway...the soul searching I mentioned led me to finally understand that what I knew of this person for 20 years may not even have been real-it was his personality he showed me but contuniousy hid his true character from me and the world around us.

Now, it is like two people-the man I knew, who showed support and love and this man in my exh's body but who doesn't give damn about anyone but himself.

Another thing that helps is to know that it is universally thought that he doesn't really "care" for OW either. Ow is a vice, an escape, a resource, as perhaps your WW's OM's have been. He is in for a big surprise if he thinks he can make it work long term with her and sounds a little similar to your WW, if it's all right to say, where they are not dealing with their own selves but think that by changing the people and surroundings, it will fix all of their problems.

Their problems are not their spouses, their problems are inside and one of my solaces is hearing other people say that he doesn't seem happy, even now.

Yes, in my darkest hours, I came to SI because I could "work on it" but people in my virtual support system tire of it. There is comfort in the anonymity of SI as well and I felt less alone in my mind on here knowing how many people exist in the world who have had it happen, too.

It astounds me how many people in the world have to go through this.

It took me forever and a day to understand that STBXH had no intention of never returning to me, but he never, ever told me those words. He just abandoned us and never filed, never got a L, just left us in this purgatory. So I hope eventually, when the fog begins to clear, that you can make choices sooner than I did.

Our house may go up for sale with "As is" on it, as Perv doesn't tend to finish anything he starts, so I've been trying to prepare myself for more dead dreams there.

I, too, may end up living with family and am trying to come to terms with it.

My first foods were chips and gingerale, unflavored food that had a little bit of calories but I couldn't tolerate flavors and I can't eat when the grief comes.

I was at a point when I didn't know what the day was, the time and sometimes I was surprised when morning came again...I couldn't stop them from coming. Then the dream of all dreams happened and he came back, but it was a trick. I got pregnant but didn't know it and he was gone very soon after.

Hearing other varieties of peoples stories also helps me and knowing that people in all walks of life are living the very pain that you are.

Again, I'm very sorry for it and hope that soon you will find some comfort in any part of life and keep doing that.

One thing that did help me had to do with my senses when I was in the early part as you are.

One thing I could grasp was scents, in a way, aroma therapy.

Another thing that helped me was hot and cold mixes-like a really, really hot bath or shower mixed with a glass of cold water. The mix of sensations reached into my inner self during the heavy fog and grief and it was like a little light in the sky at night. Then I would do it again and again.

The other thing I did/do when the grief is overwhelming is go to my car. I call it my "mediation chamber." I put the seat all the way flat and turn up the radio til it's vibrating. It has a subwoofer under the chair and that thumping somehow spoke to my innermost thoughts and the sensations of the vibrations brought my mind out of some of the grief into the present. By reclining the chair and opening the sunroof, all I could see was the sky. So earth melted away and the earthly problems brought upon me. It helped panic attacks and that pit in the bottom of my stomach would ebb, so that soon I was bring the chips and soda there and that's how I began eating again.

Best wishes for finding something to harness the grief.

SBB posted 5/13/2013 08:30 AM

^^That is beautiful Ashland. Really beautiful.

Guy43123 posted 5/16/2013 13:22 PM

Sorry I've been away for a while but as you can imagine I've been dealing with a lot.

There have been some new developments that I'm not quite certain how to interpret so if anyone can give me their opinion I'd be very grateful.

My soon to be ex-wife and I have been talking and trying to sort things out for a peaceful divorce, which I now believe is the only option.

She is still out of the home and says she will return at the end of the month to do what we need to do. However, she is pushing hard for us to get divorced ASAP by going to the court house and filing irreconcilable differences. We would split the proceeds from the house after it was sold and have agreed on who would get what with regard to cars trucks etc... However, she knows that I could get her for adultery and alimony because I took time off work to remodel the home, to which she agreed. I also suspect that she has hidden money, somewhere. Then there is the cost of lawyers, a lengthy divorce, etc...

Now, here is the kicker, and this just doesn't jive with any sense of reality to me. She says that we can get a divorce, sell the house, and move down south together, in this case she mentioned the state where the OM lives. Yep, huge red flag there. Personally, I suspect that she is trying to con me into giving her a painless divorce so she can move away to be with the OM.

Thoughts anyone?

ButterflyGirl posted 5/16/2013 13:44 PM

My thought is screw her and what she wants. Obviously she isn't considering what's best for you, so you need to protect yourself. I recommend a lawyer consultation ASAP to start learning your rights. Don't let this bitch ride off into the sunset because it might be easier. Fight for what you deserve or you might regret it later..

Guy43123 posted 5/16/2013 13:55 PM

Oh I definitely will be prepared for a fight if necessary. I also want to keep it simple and painless because the house is my only real concern.

Oddly enough, if she is being honest about us moving down south together to reboot our lives and act as roommates, I am totally ok with that because I do need to restart my career and having company would make it easier, even if that company is my ex-wife. We even discussed helping each other find dates, etc...

It was a bad marriage from the start and I can accept that it's over. What I can't accept is the possibility that she is trying to screw me so she can be with the OM, who she claims is just a friend. Yeah right, like no one has ever heard that line before.

I want to believe that what she is telling me is true, but my gut says it is bullshit so I intend to pay along until I can formulate a good game plan. When money permits, I definitely plan to retain a lawyer. In the mean time, I'm simply trying to figure out what her plan is.

crisp posted 5/16/2013 14:09 PM

Fool me once...