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Have I gone mad??

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idiot85 posted 5/11/2013 19:36 PM

My wife is out for her sister's birthday tonight- not only did I make her go but it's 1:30am and I feel fine!!

I do feel OK about it- I don't know if it's because I trust her or because she'll be 100% sober or because it's her sister's birthday so all the girls will be glued together in a gossipy fairly intimidating girly huddle.., troop... gaggle... Group? Pretty sure it's not herd ha

I like this feeling- I hadn't even thought of it until I started reading SI and I was like oooooh maybe I should feel worried!!! Ahh I like the upswings

I'm OK not to worry right?!

Jrazz posted 5/11/2013 23:27 PM

I think that as long as it's coming from a place of peace more than a place of rugsweeping, it's a good thing.

We can't be their warden. The thing is, they need to be displaying trustworthy behavior to earn this.

Either way, I'm glad you get to enjoy your evening.

idiot85 posted 5/12/2013 05:15 AM

I don't think I was rugsweeping but I think it's difficult to tell the difference between being strong and rugsweeping.

I felt a bit triggery when she came through front door- crept in the same way to avoid waking the kids- my heart raced a bit but hen she came over smiling and chatting about what they'd been up to.

I 100% don't think she did anything she shouldn't so that must be trust??

blakesteele posted 5/12/2013 05:39 AM

I wrestle with this too.

In my case I have been guilty of reading too much good into a given action. I have taken a small step made by my wife and expanded it out to really mean 10 steps. This is what is broken in me...not my wifes doing at all.

I mention it to just encourage you to check your feelings..make sure they are coming from reality and not from the part in you that so wants to believe your wife is honestly committed to your marriage.

My wife was very good at acting the role of a reformed be cautious with how confident you percieve your wifes actions. Trust but verify is a healthy mode to be in for a while. I say healthy...but I will say it is not comfortable. What husband really LIKES to have to search his wifes cell phone and computer for information that contradicts what she has professed as truth? Or ask to actually see the STD test results from his wifes exam? But by doing so I get the REAL picture of the state of our marriage.

I am hopeful that in time I can take my wife at her word. But, in my case, TTing and outright lying have been common over the past 8 months. I want to really see what my M is about.

I almost didnt post...didnt want to be the wet blanket.

Due to the pain that MY actions have inflicted on ME by doing this I desire to help others avoid this. The pain that this has caused not only hurts me but endangers our honest attempts at salvaging our marriage.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:47 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

idiot85 posted 5/12/2013 12:51 PM

It's OK Blake I don't mind other people's experiences.

She's never TT'd and it was her who told me everything- out of the blue- so I don't have a particular worry about her lying.

In the inbetween week of her cheating she wasn't behaving normally- we argued a lot.

This week was a bad week but I eased up toward the end and I think I trust her it's just the 'why's I'm working on.

Cheers though mate- God bless.

blakesteele posted 5/12/2013 18:30 PM

So very glad to hear no TTing in your marriage. It is so very harmful. My wife has a masters degree...and yet cannot really understand the damage she does by doing least thats what I tell myself...that she does not understand it.

The alternative is to tough to stomach...that she DOES understand and then chooses to kill our marriage with it anyway. glad you have a truly remorseful spouse. This is one heck of a burden without having to deal with continued extreme selfishness from the WS.

God be with you as you continue on your journey. It appears you are well on your way to real, geniune R and a better way of communication between you both.


karmahappens posted 5/13/2013 07:17 AM

Good morning idiot...

Just a question, maybe you can talk about it in IC

What has she done to earn your trust?

And how much healing (emotional healing) can one do in 3 months?

I get that she confessed...that eases your mind a bit, but she is broken and needs to figure out what's going on inside of her to allow her to go to an A.

This is not a why

My wife wasn't happy and decided the best way to resolve the situation was to have 3 ONSs over 2 weekends instead of talking

I am not saying you should have been a wreck when she went out, but I do think you defend your wife a lot.

Don't let her just waltz through this. She needs to do some hard work or it will happen again, trust me.

Theradin posted 5/13/2013 07:25 AM

I think that is certainly a positive experience and feeling for you. Like others have said, I would just double-check and make sure that feeling is coming from the right place. You'll know if it is rugsweeping or legitimate trust.

If my W goes out with her sister, or a close, safe friend, I no longer have any thoughts about what she's "really doing". That ended 1-2 months ago. Not even one thought.

For me, I attribute that to her honesty and transparency with me. She no longer randomly says, "Sooo, yah, like, I am supposed to meet with <insert friend's name here> tonight - totally forgot to tell you, but is it cool if I go?" It's not like she did that often, but sometimes when things are sprung on you "out of the blue", especially over the lengthy period she was engaged in her A, it was a HUGE red flag. She doesn't do that anymore, and we communicate about what BOTH of our plans are with don't involve the other person (strange: it's like it's a "normal" marriage?! ), and so it just feels right.

So congrats to you for reaching that point. Hopefully she will not give you a reason to regret instilling this new trust in her.

idiot85 posted 5/13/2013 09:53 AM

She wasn't going to go then her sister said 'can't believe you're not coming with us' and I just thought that she should be there- it only comes once a year

The wife said she just didn't fancy it but I knew it was because of me- she'd NEVER miss anything for her sisters. So I told her to go and for most of the night I was pre-occupied with the kids and the odd random text from the wife- I felt OK and was worried that I felt OK- weird I know!!!

She's just come on so far recently and she's not a bad person- the 'whys' kill me but I think she was angry at me for not helping her and allowing her to go off the rails- She was lovely last week when I was behaving like a lunatic- also, she's never been a very good liar- she can withhold the truth but that doesn't usually last long either.

She isn't waltzing through- she's in counselling and she actually TALKS like as in in real life her lips move and words come out- it's brilliant!!! Ha

It's good because when I do act like a crazy person I honestly feel like she's there with me- not necessarily with the answers but she doesn't choke up so much she tries to formulate an answer even if it's horrible-

I asked how she could speak so coarsely to a stranger and she said "I was just thinking about what I wanted" so I asked why and she said "to escape me" I said "to escape me too" and she said "probably, I was angry with you but I promise I was escaping myself more. I'm sorry"

I know it's awful and it's horrible to hear but a month or so ago she would have stayed silent- maybe the odd "I don't know" but mainly silence or "sorry".

karmahappens posted 5/13/2013 10:04 AM

I think most of us are inherently good. Being broken is one reason people make bad choices.

Big difference, IMO

You know your wife. You have to listen to your gut. If you feel safe, and things are changing, that's a good thing.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:11 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

idiot85 posted 5/13/2013 10:41 AM

Karma- I meant to say- counselling starts Friday!! If I get sectioned under the mental health act, I'll blame you

karmahappens posted 5/13/2013 10:53 AM

I meant to say- counselling starts Friday!! If I get sectioned under the mental health act, I'll blame you

You rock!!

I hope you kind of enjoy it, I did. It was my "me" time to vent, piss and moan and eventually hold myself accountable for my baggage.

Good for you!!

I doubt you will get sectioned, if they question you let them know they can come round up everyone on SI. We have all been nuts at one time or another

numb&dumb posted 5/13/2013 12:06 PM

It is sometimes to "test" yourself. Kind of like if you are afraid of heights you go to the top of tall building and let yourself realize that it isn't so bad. Same thing here, but if you extended some trust, and you can verify it was the truth, it makes it easier to trust next time. (BTW while small progress is progress).

At the end of the day, no one can control another person. Over time you can let go out the outcome and decide where your boundaries are. If the boundary is crossed then, you know what direction to take.

I know it sounds like not caring, but really most of us have to grow beyond trying to control things that are outside of our control.

Kudos to you on taking that leap. Hopefully your W sees this as a big deal for you and was able to show gratitude. Not for letting her go out, but by extending a little trust when realistically none should be. This is one area were she can really help by discussing trust and what it will take to rebuild it. She has a big role to play in restoring the trust too.

It is scary and hard, but each time you get a little healthier, a little less manic and a little less paranoid.

That being said, trust but verify is something that even the true R'd couples seem to preach. Independent verification may be the only thing available to allow that trust bank grow from overdrawn to a positive number.

Take care and time to be proud of this step.

idiot85 posted 5/13/2013 17:44 PM


I can be controlling sometimes but overall I'm known as being a laid-back hot head!! I was shouting about someone putting a jacket potato in the microwave for 6 minutes- SIX!!! They were all just laughing at me as if it was normal. I might talk to the counsellor about that- I mean come on 6 minutes??!!!

She defo sees it as a big deal and was extra cuddley and loving when she got back- even before all this she would pretty much go straight upstairs when she got in but she didn't on Saturday

She's more jealous than usual though- I've noticed this. Today I was having a laugh with a female colleague who then touched my stomach- I looked up and saw the Mrs staring over- she never said anything but- I know that look!!

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