Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Setback in R

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Hopeful85 posted 5/11/2013 19:53 PM

I've moslt been occasionally lurking bc things were good. He gave me access to his phone and online accounts but I noticed text messages were deleted and now we are at a standstill. Part of me wants to run away and part is wanting to try for the kids. I don't think it's cheating, he claims it was about gambling which he had straight out said he stopped doing. So I know he outright lied to me and deleting texts was a big no no since that's what caused problems in the begining. Ugh it just stinks a year of work down the drain. We went to mc today an agreed not to make rash decisions til we see her next week. Hoping we can figure the best way to deal with everything...I wish I could wakeup from the nightmare of my life at this point

mchercheur posted 5/11/2013 19:59 PM

Don't have any big words of wisdom because you know as much as I do that:
"Liars cheat & cheaters lie."
Are you sure that the A did not go underground?
Time for more intensive surveillance.
Sending you strength.

Part of me wants to run away and part is wanting to try for the kids.

I understand.

NoraLee posted 5/11/2013 20:37 PM

Yes - a set back. My H let me think he had a drug problem to explain all the odd behaviour. Instead of investigating to see if there was an A going on, I was gathering evidence of drug use and preparing to approach his parents for an intervention. Perhaps the gambling story is legit maybe not. Either way - he's lying again. One of our dealbreakers for R was no more deleting texts or phone logs. If it gets cluttered - I clear them. I did catch H in some non-A-related lies and it was like being back at square 1. Good luck - I feel your struggles!

blakesteele posted 5/11/2013 20:48 PM

I found on my wifes laptop that a folder called G:Affair2 had been accessed. When I clicked on it to open I got the error message that G: was no longer was one of her USB ports.

Now, to be sure, I know what this folder contains because I created it. It has cell phone records and emails during my wifes A. It has has a picture of my wifes AP on it.

I sat on this information for a day...trying to do what my counselor has advised...ask in a non loaded way about such finds.

I, as calmly as I could, asked her if she had opened such a file on her computer.

She immediately lied, went as far as to say she didnt even know what the G: drive was on her laptop.

I told her I wasnt crazy...and would really appreciate her telling me the truth.

That was in the evening.

The following morning I sent her a one sentence email. I would like you when you are ready to tell me about G:Affair.

That was it.

The day came and went.

Just after my run and shower in the evening she called me into the bedroom with the laptop and a thumb drive.

She told me she lied. Told me she just accessed this to correct my dat on when our true DD bothered her that I had the wrong date on my provile on SI for our DD.

I got mad...really mad. I went for another run...but only after I scolded her.

I get why she opened the downloaded cell records and opened them in Adobe. But she also opened the word documents...the ones containg erotic emails to her and the OM. She only said she that when she opened a few of the other documents she couldnt stand to read them.

Anyway....I am really wrestling with what to do.

I immediately stated that lying was not tolerable from this point forward. Previously, I just said unreported contact between my wife and her AP was a deal breaker (of course, I learned of this in January and did not do as I said I would do then).

So this is our delimma isnt it? We keep our integrity and file for D and model that for our children while depriving them of one both parents 50% of the time...or we give up our integrity and model THAT for our children but they get to have both parents 100% of the time.

I am praying on this now. I am not sure what God wants me to do. He hates divorce and instructs us to let his grace and mercy shine from within us. But then His one exception to this is adultery.

I too am struggling really hard on this Hopeful95.


God be with us both.

My problem now is

mchercheur posted 5/11/2013 20:53 PM

So this is our dilemma isnt it? We keep our integrity and file for D and model that for our children while depriving them of one both parents 50% of the time...or we give up our integrity and model THAT for our children but they get to have both parents 100% of the time.

We BSs are "between a rock & a hard place". I just can't do that to my children. I will be ok no matter what. Just trying to keep this family together until I launch them all out of the nest, & then I will re-evaluate. I love WH, so I hope he "gets it" by then.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:59 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

jellybean22 posted 5/12/2013 07:48 AM


Can I ask why you keep the file and all the information from the A? It's obviously not for her to look at. Do you look at it?

When we decided to R I got rid of the spreadsheets that helped me put together his A. The phone records, emails, texts, all gone. I had been obsessing and I didn't want to anymore. He cut off contact with her and I didn't want reminders or for her to have power over us any longer.

Heavy Sigh posted 5/12/2013 08:10 AM


I can't answer for BlakeSteele, but can answer that some BS are gaslighted so vigorously that it takes a long time to be able to get rid of evidence. When a WS gets back in the habit of manipulation and gaslighting, a BS looks at the evidence to say "I'm NOT crazy, I'm NOT being unreasonable and irrational in my reactions or questions."

Also, some WS'es are narcissistic personality types who would lie to children and others about a BS'es behavior and reason for divorce, and call the BS "crazy." Evidence is held onto not to show the kids, but as a defense mechanism if the spouse decides to spread lies later, and the BS must defend himself/herself.

Blakesteele's D-Day is fairly recent, and a BS can learn only through time and future experience if the NPD behavior was temporary madness or is a character issue and betrayal is indicative of the future.

In other words, reconciliations aren't done-deals. They are attempts. You can decide to reconcile, but a WS'es behavior later can make that impossible.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:12 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

mchercheur posted 5/12/2013 08:25 AM

Agree Heavy Sigh.

a BS looks at the evidence to say "I'm NOT crazy, I'm NOT being unreasonable and irrational in my reactions or questions."

We are 2 yrs out. WS has made some baby steps & things are better. We are still in MC.
But, he still states that the PA only lasted a few days, & that "it was just sex".
I have months & months of records---phone records, calendars & other papers which paint a different picture of what was going on.
I still can't make sense of it, & WH does not want to talk about it anymore ( "we went over that already, let's move on & look to the future"). This, plus the fact that many of the same problems that existed in the M before his A are still there, is why we are not further along in R.
Yes, R is just a try.

blakesteele posted 5/12/2013 09:01 AM

I have a copy of all of this on a thumb drive. I never new until last week that she made a copy of this. I have asked her if there are other copies (her business has multiple computers and multiple hard drives so there is no way I can ever be certain of what she has or doesnt have...and the lies continue to erode our attempts at trust).

Why did I generate this file containing such horrible facts?

Originally I thought the information would help me stay a part of my daughters lives should our path lead to D. I work with a guy that his wife had an affair and he now gets them a whopping 1 weekend a month and 1 week in the summer.

I have since learned we live in a no fault state. This information matters for nothing legally. Courts are still biased towards primary care giving going to the Mom.

Why not destroy this once I found the no fault clause? I used it during my wifes kept me from going crazy as my wife lied about details of the affair. The fog was very thick...still lingers. Most of the truths have come from me digging into the facts...many of which are contained on this thumb drive.

Even with these facts my wife is slow to fully embrace her A and the damage it has done.

Yes, sometime in the future it would be symbolic for my wife and I to smash the thumb drive I have with a hammer. But that day is not today.

I guess right now the thumb drive is a bit of a safety blanket for me...not that it has legal power...but it does have power to help me keep from going crazy as my wife feeds me misinformation and short answers when full answers would be more beneficial.

I welcome feedback. I make mistakes too.

God be with us all.

jellybean22 posted 5/12/2013 15:19 PM

That makes total sense. Thanks for the explanation, HeavySigh and Blakesteele.

Blake, I'm sorry she made a copy. Obviously, it's not something she should be looking at or reliving.

I guess I kept the stuff too, in a way. I deleted the file on my laptop and he destroyed the hard copies. But I had an email address I'd been sending screenshots, texts, emails, etc. to along the way. I haven't done anything with that. I don't sign in and look at anything though and he can't either. I've just never taken the time to do anything with it all.

Hopeful85 posted 5/12/2013 19:09 PM

I am pretty sure the deleted texts are from a male friend which I am ok with if they are regarding gambling...while I disagree with gambling I would be ok with that issue but what bothers me is the lie. The act of deleting the texts is the most bothersome. We have discussed his gambling in the past and have been ok but the decite and fact it was easy for him to lie to my face is what is so hard to overcome. I feel if it was easy to lie about this what makes anything else truthful

NoraLee posted 5/12/2013 19:33 PM

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
This exactly. I caught H hiding some pain medication (I monitor these pills since H takes them for chronic pain but mainly got them to buy COW's affection and ensure continued reliance on him). So I am crushed and I explain that if it's so easy to lie about these pills - which I'm never denying him when he's in pain - then how can I trust him with the bigger stuff like contact with COW at work?

He was surprised at how devastated I was by this - but listened to my reasoning and my thought processes and I think he gets it now. Something I read in the wayward forum - let go of the outcome. Be honest regardless of the outcome - so often during R, H has withheld information (lied) because - I was in such a happy mood and he didn't want to ruin it, or - I was in such an angry mood, he didn't want to make it worse - etc.
JUST. STOP. THINKING. OF THE OUTCOME! Be authentic no matter the fallout!!!
(I might add then when H finally does tell me of the omission - I'm fine with the info - but now we have to deal with the deceit...again!

Fingers crossed - I think he gets it now - old habits die hard...

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.