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sitting on the fence

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sense r not posted 5/12/2013 05:56 AM

I am feeling very confused.
WH had A wiht coworker I found out after 1 year fast forward 2 years and despite MC and suicide counselling for WH I found out A was still continuing.I asked WH to leave and MOW moved in with him.She has now left him for the third time and gone back to her BS,this was 3months ago.
I have agreed to MC and we have had 1 session so far which was a tough 1 for WH but he did very well.
I suppose the question is can you forgive after everything that has happened.
He is now saying the things I needed him to say before but they still work together.
I know that I am sitting on the fence here while he seems to be trying but I have heard all the things he is saying before because every time MOW left him for her BS he came back begging me to give him another chance until MOW was back on the scene.
Why should I believe this time is any different???
Aaahhh I am so confused and afraid.
MC will be tough for him but we did MC before and the A was still continuing and he lied his way through it.

blakesteele posted 5/12/2013 06:23 AM

((sense r not))

WS have selfish desires...thus their choice to have an A.

BS have selfish desires...thus our choice to trust and NOT verify.

I am currently struggling with this myself.

So far I have just found hints from lies my wife told me regarding how alive her A still is...have not actually found facts indicating the A is alive in the real world...I believe parts of it are still alive inside her mind.

To date, I am fine with the reality of this.

Your reality is that your husbands A once again existed in the real world. To be sure my wife fooled our counselor, her sister and our best friend...her A went from emotional to physical during intensive counseling and accountability partner establishment....so I understand your situation.

There is a weakness in me, a selfishness of some kind I think, that allowed my wifes betryal of me and my family to be okay back then. I am working on fixing that part of me as it is NOT okay and should not be allowed to happen...it threatens my M and our family.

Words need to be spoken and are important. But these words must be supported by actions of the same tone. When they dont, words are wasted.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:23 AM, May 12th (Sunday)]

meplustwo posted 5/12/2013 07:45 AM

I'm sorry that you have to deal with fence sitting. Have you tried 180 and NC? When I did that for a week (and moved into a new apartment) the fog began to lift. Not that its easy, but I can see him at least beginning to realize what his A has done to us. We have begun to discuss the A and that is hard to do without expressing anger. Hang in there and keep trying as long as you want to try. Do it for you, not him. Don't let him fence sit. Either he's all in or he doesn't deserve your time and attention. (((Hugs)))))

sisoon posted 5/12/2013 13:18 PM

My counsel is to go for what you want. If you want R, I'd suggest you stay uncommitted until he proves he's all in - NC, MC, IC, honest, transparent for months before you commit yourself completely. But if you want R, giving him another chance is the way to go - but be prepared for R to fail again, and look seriously into how many chances you're prepared to give him.

But if you really want to stop your life with him, go for that. Just tell him it's too late.

Up to now, it sounds like you've let him dictate at least part of how you live. I think you'll be happier if you make your decisions for your own reasons. The key question is: What do you want?

silverhopes posted 5/12/2013 13:23 PM

Why should I believe this time is any different???

This is a very important and true question. Watch his actions. You're right to be worried if he still works with her - that means that there is always a risk that she is on the scene, since NC is not established.

Does he plan to find another job? How is he limiting contact with her? Is he providing you with transparency? Has he written a NC letter with your approval?

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