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spinning mind today

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cantaccept posted 5/12/2013 08:42 AM

Mm mind just won't slow down today, or yesterday for that matter. I keep remembering every hurt, I just can't seem to put it away. I am at work and I can't even focus.

I keep remembering, 8/23/12, two days after our 10th anniversary, that is when he started texting with her. Four weeks later, we went on our dream vacation, 2 weeks in California, horrific. He was texting her while he was right next to me! How can you do that? Text this stranger, and then look at your wife, it makes no sense to me. He would go to pick up take-out and not come back for 2 hours, blamed it on the parking, I believed him! I feel stupid and humiliated.

I keep remembering,after he left, she texted me. Telling me that "I know it must make you feel better to blame me but we both know that I am not the problem". She was right, she wasn't the problem, she was just a symptom of the illness. I want to tell her, you were right, you were only the symptom and now that the illness is being treated the symptoms go away. I am feeling angry that she texted me several times, being cruel, acting as if I were the one who did not belong. Acting as if she were the wife. Then I remember for a while he did chose her over me, he chose to be with her and leave me.

That is another thing making me crazy today. I heard the word mistake in a song today. Husband tells me this is the biggest mistake he has ever made. MISTAKE!!! A mistake is a math error, a mistake is when I walked into the mens room, (I did this recently), a mistake is accidental, this was not an accident, this was a choice. He chose to text her while sitting next to me, disregarding what it would do to me, his wife, the one he promised to love, respect, the one he lived with for 10 years. I just needed to get this out.

I keep thinking some of these thoughts should be gone by now. I just don't want this in my life, our history.

I have gone through some very difficult and painful experiences in my life. I used to tell him that if I had to go through that to get to my life with him it was all worth it, now that is no longer true. It feels as if it was all a lie.

ItsaClimb posted 5/12/2013 12:39 PM

{hugs} I wish there was something I could say that would help you. Just know you have been heard. These sad, bad days are awful. One thing I read on here some time ago that I cling to on days like that are the words: "Remember these feelings are temporary, it may take a while, but they WILL pass"

sisoon posted 5/12/2013 12:52 PM

Gently, my W was remorseful from the moment she confessed 28+ months ago, and I still have some of these thoughts. 9 months out I was no longer in Hell, exactly, but I didn't think life was very good. If my W hadn't been remorseful, I think I would have been in much rougher shape.

Does that help? It may not - if it doesn't, what do you need?

If a hug would help: (((cantaccept)))

cantaccept posted 5/12/2013 13:08 PM

I sometimes think that he could not have inflicted more damage if he had planned it.

He left me the day I found out.

He said horrible things to me about me.

He was not remorseful at all and he is just beginning to express his remorse now.

I still remember, one week after he left, in my kitchen, asking him to please stop seeing her, he didn't respond. I said you can"t can you? He shook his head and left.

The second week, I was lost for 3 hours at night in a snowstorm, he took the GPS.

I was assaulted in a parking lot and saw him drive by while this man was grabbing me.

He came to me 2 days before thanksgiving and said he wanted to try, it was a lie. She texted me that he was at her house.

I still don't know how it ended with them. I want to know how and why. I think it has a bearing on the reason he is back. I want to feel chosen.

Just a bad day. My heart won"t stop pounding.

I think that if he had shown intstant remorse, hadn't left me, told me he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for years. If all of the pain after discovery had not been inflicted, I might not feel so much pain. If doesn't do any good, it is what it is.

cheerless posted 5/12/2013 15:06 PM


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