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new phase of withdrawal

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Alyssamd24 posted 5/12/2013 08:51 AM

The last few days I have reached a new stage in withdrawal from my AP. Where before I felt grief and depression from losing him I now feel nothing but hatred and disgust for him. I have even contemplated quitting my job so I can expose him for the asshole he is. Not to play the victim, but as my life has unraveled since d day his has continued on...he is still living as the happy husband and father, with a wonderful career and plans to build a new home for himself and his family. Meanwhile, I am living at my parent's house struggling with the consequences of my own stupidity and selfishness. It makes me so angry and sick to my stomach.

On another note BH and I are trying to fix our problems...I am going to make an appt for IC and am hoping he will do the same. We have also discussed MC in the future, but he refuses to go with me until he works out his own issues....he has also told me he doesn't want me to go back home until he has worked through some of his issues....he is afraid of what he may say/do if I move back home. I understand and respect this but don't know how we can R if we are living two separate lives? Any ideas/thoughts on this?
I also bought the book "Not Just Friends" and am hoping to learn a lot from that.
I feel like I am slowly starting to make progress

Mrs Panda posted 5/12/2013 10:08 AM

Ah, yes, I remember this phase well. Unfortunately, I let my misdirected anger at the OM drag on for a year. Therefore, hurting my R.

Why be angry at him? We allowed ourselves to choose to have an A with this person. The anger we feel at the OP is misdirected. We should be angry Only at ourselves.

My OM were single. I found it infuriating to watch them move on easily. While my life was a trainwreck.

But I did this to me. The OP...doesn't matter.

Focus on you. Don't get stuck.

longroadhome posted 5/12/2013 10:17 AM

Hating the ap is still giving him too much headspace. Remember that the opposite of love isn't's indifference. That's what you strive for. You can only do that by working on you. The ap is not worth your energy. Put your effort into something that matters. You.

Respect your BH's wishes. He needs space, give him space. Use the time to work on you (are you seeing the recurring theme here?) If you do the work on yourself and if your BH chooses to R, it will happen. If he doesn't choose R, then at least you will be working on creating a healthy life for yourself.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 5/12/2013 10:39 AM

^^^ Yep!

OK now posted 5/12/2013 11:45 AM

I would ask that we agree on a firm date for you to return to the family home; otherwise this limbo could drag on for ages and not be any help in reconciling.

I think most WS's would not have left in the first place; I would not leave the home upon request. Make sure you left your possessions there and your departure is not classified as abandonment.

Its important that you are remorseful and dedicated to reconciliation, but hey, its your home too and you should not be pressurized into a separation you don't want, or think is not helping the marriage.

Alyssamd24 posted 5/12/2013 13:00 PM

I know that being indifferent is better than being angry and I am hoping to get there soon...D day happened at the end of December and it is all still fresh...I still see him almost daily at work which makes it harder.
I know I shouldn't be angry with him, only with myself and I am very angry at myself, but I just think it's unfair that he gets to go on like nothing ever happened.
Ok now: staying at the house never even crossed my mind. When BH found out he was furious and kicked me out...I thought the least i could do was respect his wish for me to leave rather than make it worse by refusing to leave....I don't know, my reasoning was I was the one who made a mistake so I had no right to stay

Mrs Panda posted 5/12/2013 16:24 PM

So it's been 5 months...

What is your plan for work? Because seeing OM every day is not the path towards your healing, and it will make any chance at R a real bear.

Are you looking for another job?

Why have you procrastinated making an IC appointment?

Perhaps your indifference is towards your M and BH. If you want a chance of R, your BH needs to feel safe and needs to know you are committed. Not just waiting for the sun to rise and set every day.

I had to beg my BH to end our separation. Maybe he is waiting for a sign of life from you.

Pudding posted 5/13/2013 07:26 AM

BS here so apologies if this is not appropriate, but some of the comments in this thread mirrors what my FWH keeps saying and I don't get it.

Why is indifference towards AP better than anger? It really winds me up that my FWH says he feels nothing for FOW. How can he not hate and detest that one person that he collaborated with to hurt and harm me? If he had collaborated to rob our house with others, he would feel guilty and ashamed and remorseful and I expect he would loathe and detest the other burglars and want nothing to do with them. Why does he not feel the same about FOW?

You are all saying that indifference is best. I don't understand why. Please can someone explain. Sorry if this is not a right question to ask in this forum, it just fits in this thread.

BaxtersBFF posted 5/13/2013 07:40 AM

Pudding, you can ask your questions on the BS Questions for WS thread -

longroadhome posted 5/13/2013 09:06 AM

I know that being indifferent is better than being angry and I am hoping to get there soon...D day happened at the end of December and it is all still fresh...I still see him almost daily at work which makes it harder.

Mrs Panda is right. You should be looking for a new job. You're not even giving your M a chance here.

I know I shouldn't be angry with him, only with myself and I am very angry at myself,

This won't help either. Eventually you need to forgive yourself and let go of any negative thoughts you have about yourself. Otherwise the self-anger will manifest in other ways. These are the kinds of things that get us into wayward thought patterns to begin with.

You need IC. You need to find your root/why. You need to let go of ALL thoughts of the ap...good or bad. You need to do a lot of work on yourself. You need to make your intentions known to your BS.

...or maybe you don't need all those things. Its up to you.

floridaredman posted 5/13/2013 10:19 AM

I have even contemplated quitting my job so I can expose him for the asshole he is

This is not the main reason you should be quitting your job.. I know that it's not, but it speaks of revenge.
You were not tricked into the affair by him. You made the decision to do so on your own. Yet I admire you for reaching this stage where you see how damaging this is to you and your marriage.
Yes he should be exposed for his behavior.
However, quitting your job should be truly because you want to fix your marriage and having contact with the OM is impeding that.
Visual and mental is still contact. While the mental is tough..the visual can be eradicated.
I wish you the best in fixing this situation.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 10:23 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

Alyssamd24 posted 5/13/2013 19:15 PM

The reason I haven't quit my job yet is complicated....this is one of the harder things to admit about my A but I guess I don't have much to lose....I work at a daycare center and my AP is a parent at the center. So even though I don't work with him I see him when he drops off or picks up his child.

My daughter is 4 and goes to preschool at the center I work at...staff children go for free...So if I quit my job then I am taking my daughter out of her school and away from her friends and also adding financial stress because now we will have to pay for childcare. My BH agrees with this, which is why he hasn't exposed my AP...he knows I will obviously be fired...I realize how low this makes me...the A was bad enough...who it was with makes me even more angry at myself.

The reason I haven't started IC yet is simple....I have been putting it off cuz I am afraid....I don't know what of exactly since I have been in therapy before....but I am now ready to realize how much I do need help which is why I am trying to make the effort now.

Darkness Falls posted 5/13/2013 19:25 PM

Alyssa, I too still work at the same place as my former OP. As does my XBH.

I was absolutely not going to quit my job. XH and I divorced, so it wasn't a means to save my marriage if I had. But I don't believe I would have quit even HAD we reconciled. We don't have children so there was no valid reason for me to expect my XH to "support" me. And with the economy the way it was, and the fact that my health insurance was fully paid 100% by my was not something I would have walked away from, given the fact that the OP and I didn't work "with" each other (we see each other in passing maybe every couple of months).

I realize this is one area where I hold an opposing viewpoint to most remorseful fWS. But that is my opinion.

floridaredman posted 5/14/2013 08:03 AM

If your BH and you agreed upon that then that is the decision that was best for the both of you. You both were willing to take that chance.


Quitting the job is recommended to keep the affair from starting up again. It is difficult for some people to work in the area where the affair originated or ocurred. Too many memories and whose to say if you get upset with your spouse you wouldn't easily start it up again being that the affair partner is right there. It's just a precaution.
Ultimately the decision is between you and your spouse.

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