love which the fires cannot quench nor the waters drown'
When I told him I was done, he changed his tune.
it's a personal decision. An A is a dealbreaker for a lot of couples. An A was not what they meant when they vowed for better or for worse
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is take all the time you need. It is one of the biggest decisions you have to make. You don't want to rush it.
[This message edited by PurpleBirch at 7:54 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]
DS (6), DS (18 months)
Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".
Status: Done like dinner
His infidelity was a shattering of those vows. Those vows, fidelity, sancity, singleness were broken. Further, they were not broken by him simply not being there for a medical treatment, making a financial mistake or miscalculation and sending us into bankruptsy, or the like. He took his body, sanctified unto the two of us, and polluted it with an outside person. By doing so, and by resuming marital relationships with me, he took my body, sanctified unto himself and and threw dirt and refuse upon it. What once was holy, was defiled. And instead of immediately confessing and seeking to re-sanctify that holy vow, he treated it as worthless and essentially shit upon it.
THAT is what infidelity is. It is the turning of the holy into unholy. That's the true, basic meaning of infidelity.
Now, if you can re-build, re-sanctify that which was profaned, then that is a wonderful and holy thing. But it takes two. Two people utterly committed to doing so and doing the work necessary to wipe all of the shit off, and making whole that which was made asunder. And predictably, it's incredibly hard work. Some people are not up to it. I cannot fault them. The work needed is akin to having your liver torn out on a daily basis until that ravining preditory bird is killed. Some people cannot do it and they are wise to realize it and leave the marriage as quickly as possible. Some betrayers are not capable of committing to the work needed to re-sanctify that which they have shat upon. It takes hard work to make a marriage what it was supposed to be, after a betrayal like infidelity. Hard, consistant, horribly hurting work. And it you or your partner are not up to that, then the best thing that you can do is to get out as quickly as possible, with as little pile-on hurt as possible.
Thankfully, we have more options than our forefathers had. We can choose we are not legally bound be either custom, laws, or being chattel. Divorcing because your spouse snores in bed, doesn't know what a laundry basket is, or dislikes your family/friends is taking vows lightly. Divorcing because your spouse had taken your soul and thrown refuse upon it while stomping it into the mud is totally justifiable in anyone's eyes.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
A long term marriage in our grandparents day was about seeing it through
It was also about not being able to get out, even if you wanted to.
I think leaving is not about it being instant dismissal, but about it being an actual option when it is needed. We only see the couples that break up in the media. Not the ones that stick it through.
My grandmother stayed...My grandfather made up for it in everyone else's eyes. But, my grandmother holds bitterness and resentment. Which is better? A M where you stick it through or a M with regret?
I wanted to get into counseling and work on the marriage, but he wanted no part in that. Now, I know I would not take him back. I will not be married to a man that lies and cheats on me. I do not deserve that and I do not want that. He is still lying, lies to the attorneys, has lied to the people he works with and has lied to his skanky girlfriend. Blames me for everything, has not taken a bit of responsibility for the end of the marriage. As I find out more about narcissism, he is a text book case and I don't want that in my life. Even though I still love the man I thought I married and my heart and soul are being turned up side down and there are times that I don't think I can possibly breath through the pain, I somehow do.
If the pig had shown some remorse, was willing to walk away from the skank, go into counseling (both individual and marital) and told me he was sorry, told my son he was sorry and would commit to the marriage and follow through on that commitment, R might be possible.
It is a hard either way, since those vows were broken and our hearts were broken and the trust was shattered.