"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

lost100 posted 5/12/2013 09:10 AM

Today having an affair is often considered an unforgivable 'crime' warranting instant dismissal from the relationship. Far from us accepting that within a long term marriage cracks will appear and dirty paintwork will inevitably arise from time to time. A WS often means we assume that we have to demolish the marriage. Maybe we do but there are options. I read somewhere that there is a dangerous paradox determining our behaviour in our happiness dependent culture, marriage is expected to provide us with continuous joy, satisfaction and comfort. When we discover we have been cruelly betrayed, we fall apart. Our safe shore has been invaded by deceit and otherness. It is completely wrong to tell unhappy couples to stay together. Thomas Hardy wrote '..

love which the fires cannot quench nor the waters drown'

this is the love that grows out of seeing the worst as well as the best in each other. For me I am still in the confused stage I have strong feelings about staying then stronger ones to leave his sorry ass far behind. I will take my time until my mind stills and my pain abates- but these thoughts are worth mentioning. A long term marriage in our grandparents day was about seeing it through but is the foundation strong enough to hold the bombshell that landed or flexible enough to accept the changed configuration??

isadora posted 5/12/2013 10:52 AM

You don't have to make any decisions in the beginning. I gave it 6 months. However in retrospect I should have filed for D when he wouldn't go NC, restarted the A. FWH was cake eating, unremorsefil POS.

When I told him I was done, he changed his tune.

it's a personal decision. An A is a dealbreaker for a lot of couples. An A was not what they meant when they vowed for better or for worse

undonelife posted 5/12/2013 11:08 AM

Yeah, what isadore said. An A was not what I signed up for in the "worse" part. I've been thru financial & medical hardship with mine and stood by him when he was crippled with a debilitating disease. I did it first because I loved him and next because I made a vow to him before God & i have 28 years invested in this asshole. He made those vows as well to cleave only unto me & shatter them & me. I wish I had D his ass from the get go but I have kids who were devastated at the thought of their father leaving so I stayed in it for the long haul. I did the 180 until he pulled his head out of his butt & not we are in a tough R. My hearts not really in it cause I'm mostly disgusted with him. It would have been easier for me to have let him go.

lost100 posted 5/12/2013 17:58 PM

Thanks for responding-Reading your posts gives me food for thought.

PurpleBirch posted 5/12/2013 19:52 PM

See, I thought I knew the worst about my WH. I didn't have rose-coloured glasses on. I knew his faults, and I was happy, content and joyful in our marriage. But the difference I think is how we both coped with some difficult situations. We lost a baby on the day he was born, and WH FOO had cut us off just before that happened. We wouldn't fall into line, you see. So anyway, after these two traumatic events, I sought counseling, but he did not. This was 2011. I'm still very active in IC because I know I need it. WH doesn't like to talk about things -hence his dumb-ass decision to cheat. I think in my case, since I've been dealing with most of the betrayal emotions since the fall, that I'm better able to make a decision whether to stay or go. It's a hard thing imagining your life is going to be different. You need time to really see what it's going to look like. In my case, I was a very independent, happy single mom before my WH came along. I know that I can be that person again without him.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is take all the time you need. It is one of the biggest decisions you have to make. You don't want to rush it.

[This message edited by PurpleBirch at 7:54 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

Skan posted 5/12/2013 21:21 PM

I vowed fidelity, to cleave unto this person for the rest of my life. That my body would be a shrine to him, and his body a shrine to me. As well as vows for better, worse, sickness, etc. Those were sacred vows to me, to God, to the two of us, to society at large.

His infidelity was a shattering of those vows. Those vows, fidelity, sancity, singleness were broken. Further, they were not broken by him simply not being there for a medical treatment, making a financial mistake or miscalculation and sending us into bankruptsy, or the like. He took his body, sanctified unto the two of us, and polluted it with an outside person. By doing so, and by resuming marital relationships with me, he took my body, sanctified unto himself and and threw dirt and refuse upon it. What once was holy, was defiled. And instead of immediately confessing and seeking to re-sanctify that holy vow, he treated it as worthless and essentially shit upon it.

THAT is what infidelity is. It is the turning of the holy into unholy. That's the true, basic meaning of infidelity.

Now, if you can re-build, re-sanctify that which was profaned, then that is a wonderful and holy thing. But it takes two. Two people utterly committed to doing so and doing the work necessary to wipe all of the shit off, and making whole that which was made asunder. And predictably, it's incredibly hard work. Some people are not up to it. I cannot fault them. The work needed is akin to having your liver torn out on a daily basis until that ravining preditory bird is killed. Some people cannot do it and they are wise to realize it and leave the marriage as quickly as possible. Some betrayers are not capable of committing to the work needed to re-sanctify that which they have shat upon. It takes hard work to make a marriage what it was supposed to be, after a betrayal like infidelity. Hard, consistant, horribly hurting work. And it you or your partner are not up to that, then the best thing that you can do is to get out as quickly as possible, with as little pile-on hurt as possible.

Thankfully, we have more options than our forefathers had. We can choose we are not legally bound be either custom, laws, or being chattel. Divorcing because your spouse snores in bed, doesn't know what a laundry basket is, or dislikes your family/friends is taking vows lightly. Divorcing because your spouse had taken your soul and thrown refuse upon it while stomping it into the mud is totally justifiable in anyone's eyes.

hopefulmother posted 5/13/2013 10:40 AM

A long term marriage in our grandparents day was about seeing it through

It was also about not being able to get out, even if you wanted to.

I think leaving is not about it being instant dismissal, but about it being an actual option when it is needed. We only see the couples that break up in the media. Not the ones that stick it through.

My grandmother stayed...My grandfather made up for it in everyone else's eyes. But, my grandmother holds bitterness and resentment. Which is better? A M where you stick it through or a M with regret?

lost100 posted 5/13/2013 11:33 AM

Once again thanks for those well thought out responses. I am in turmoil and it is good to hear different perspectives.

Dawn58 posted 5/13/2013 16:07 PM

It is a hard decision to make, but my cheating pig husband knew on the day I confronted him that he wanted a divorce and wanted to be with his skank girlfriend. I filed divorce papers on him about 6 weeks later. I filed because after being blindsided by finding out about his affair, I did not want to get served divorce papers.

I wanted to get into counseling and work on the marriage, but he wanted no part in that. Now, I know I would not take him back. I will not be married to a man that lies and cheats on me. I do not deserve that and I do not want that. He is still lying, lies to the attorneys, has lied to the people he works with and has lied to his skanky girlfriend. Blames me for everything, has not taken a bit of responsibility for the end of the marriage. As I find out more about narcissism, he is a text book case and I don't want that in my life. Even though I still love the man I thought I married and my heart and soul are being turned up side down and there are times that I don't think I can possibly breath through the pain, I somehow do.

If the pig had shown some remorse, was willing to walk away from the skank, go into counseling (both individual and marital) and told me he was sorry, told my son he was sorry and would commit to the marriage and follow through on that commitment, R might be possible.

It is a hard either way, since those vows were broken and our hearts were broken and the trust was shattered.