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My relapse with glitter sprinkles

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Jeyana posted 5/12/2013 11:14 AM

I want so much to have hope based on logic and clear communication. I want to R and have this relationship be what it always could have been. And yet, I seem to keep reaching for that shaker of glitter to pretty up things now and then. I don't even notice my fingers curling around it. I realized this yesterday, based on a ridiculous situation. I went to Wexfiances place and sat down to watch a show we both had wanted to see, a scyfi series that was saved on demand. (bear with me..this seems so dumb yet so serious) Wexfiance turns to me and say with a sad face..I saw part of the first episode but kept thinking about you so I didn't watch it all. I wanted to watch it with you. What an AWWW moment, but I even looked him in the eye and said "Are you being honest?" His reply "yes". So I grab that shaker of glitter and pretty up that moment in time, feeling pretty good and feeling all loved. Towards the end of the program, I guess the glitter started to fall away, and the cynic in me set a trap. The program was almost over, and I said, did you see this part already? "Ya, he says" Hmmm. So of course I'm pissed, hurt, feel manipulated. His excuses ranged from.
*But I did turn it off before it was done! (8 min left on the program)
*In that moment I felt bad that I didn't wait and save watching this series for only us, so I implied something to make me/you feel better about it. (lied)
*I didn't mean this first episode, I meant to next one after I saved for us.
*I wasn't lying because I did turn it off. (makes it my fault for not grilling him and asking specifics before feeling that I was thought of?)
He rewrote this moment for me.
He told me what I wanted to hear, and what he wanted to believe. I am now put in that category as his AP. Lies to keep me feeding at the trough so to speak. Emotionally manipulated. Lied to. Then keep changing to story to keep me confused.....over a flipping tv series!!! How the hell do I keep any sort of hope he can get this? It's a slippery slope, and he just can't seem to want to keep going down it in some fashion or another. In the middle of this meltdown, with tears in his eyes, he says "But I have been faithful!! I have not strayed in any way!! Perhaps you all are right, the hurt will not stop until I make it stop. Can someone take these glitter sprinkles away from me now? WW's could you shed any light on this episode in my R/ false R? Ive lost sight of reality once again.

Patchy posted 5/12/2013 12:12 PM

One of the things our counselor told my husband was that he had to be very careful about being truthful about everything, even small things. That even a little white lie will give me reason to question his character and his honesty.

That is not to say that any small white lie he tells means he's having an affair or is prone to one again, or that he's a bad guy with no character. As the betrayed spouse, I will be more sensitive to these small infractions and I have learned they can be triggers that upset me. I can't stand watching a show where someone is lying to another, even about something small. It just sends me back to the big lie that devastated me.

But back to you. I guess I don't feel I fully understand your situation well enough, nor this specific incident, to give input on whether you are reading too much into it . . . so I won't. I guess I'm just mentioning that its possible you are being overly sensitive because of what you've been through. And with good reason.

NoraLee posted 5/12/2013 12:19 PM

What Patchy said ...

But it wouldve been nice if it were true! Such a little gesture can have such sweet sentiment - and yet it was a lie. Grand gestures are nice but sometimes feel contrived (not that I don't appreciate them!) but it's the little things put together that carry the most weight. And he obviously knew that or he wouldn't have lied about it - so why couldn't he have just done it? Even if he said, " I watched the first episode but regretted it because you weren't with me to enjoy it" would have carried meaning without sullying it with a lie.

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