Okay...so this past week was right up there with DD...maybe actually worse.
Worse because I have become aware of my reality. My wifes continue lying and lack of open, honest, transparent sharing has the effect of taking me back to the trauma that is the affair. She knows this and yet is unwilling to stop. Lots of excuses as to why she continues to exist in this manner..many of which revolve around me..and how I prohbit her from being fully open and honest with me...my engaging manner feels threatening to her.
This past weekend I woke up sad as usual...but so very lost. I have made some good strides in personal growth. I love my two young girls so very much. I would never do anything to hurt them....but I am out of options on how to protect them in the ways I had always planned. My plan was to be a full time Dad 100% of the time. My plan was to be in my M for Better or Worse...this is the worst part of that.
The reality is pointing to this NOT happening.
During this past 8 months I have grown....but my wife continues to cause me pain and hurt. At times I have felt we were on our way to a better way of existing...but by the end of last week it has become apparent she fails to really committ to her M to me and the family we planned and started together.
So I prayed, I tried calling my counselor...not available. I prayed, I called a prayer hotline...got some comfort from a recorded prayer message. I prayed, Contacted my Pastor...he was unavailable. I went for a drive...I just could not make sense of how hateful and bitter my wife was to me last week...culminating with her attacking me for triggering hard as I saw the OM as me and my family walked to school to watch my youngest graduate kindergarten (this is how my wifes A started...met OM at school, then routinely got in a habit of dropping kids off then meeting up for their fun...talk about ground zero of DD!). As a last resort I contacted an 800 suicide hotline. I needed someone to talk to. Contrary to what my wife thinks I dont share these thoughts with EVERYONE. I seek formats that are helpful and constructive...my Mom and brother love me, but I learned early into my journey down this difficult path that they have no constructive support for me...they threw in the towels on their M shortly after hitting tough times.
Shortly into the conversation I was crying hard...but realized this was not what I needed to call...felt guilty for taking time up with a crisis counselor when someone on the verge of suicide could use the help. I was not suicidal...but desperate.
I hung up. They have since called back twice to check in on me.
I just told my wife what I did. She has checked out...left the room.
Has anyone else got to this point...so confused and hurt by their WS that they are not sure what the truth of their current reality is? Or maybe a better way to put it...discovered their reality goes against a primary goal of theirs? I am looking at becoming a dad with at best 50% custody of two girls that do not deserve this. I so dont want them to go down the path that my wife and I are on (both of our parents divorced, they left us with some heavy baggage). They wont of course because my Dad physically and mentally disappeared when I was 12...I reconnected with him when I was 22 (my then gf now wife went with me to see him on the east coast.). He told me he did that to spare us the trauma of two households. I will NOT do that to my daughters.
My Dads first question to me when we were alone on that trip to reconnect with him was What do you want from me? My answer...I just want a Dad.
God help me for my actions.
To be clear I am not suicidal...but am concerned that I even got to the point of calling the number. My wife refuses to engage me in any meaningful way...she blames her unwillingness to do this on me...since I engage her too much and post my thoughts and feelings and our interactions on this website and with one other close long time friend.
I have tried to explain to her that communication with her right now is surface level and the lies she tells hurts any progress we experience.
Pray for me. I know that is selfish and not inline with what God asks us to do...but I really need His intervention.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:13 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]