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Suicidal thoughts?

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blakesteele posted 5/12/2013 19:32 PM this past week was right up there with DD...maybe actually worse.

Worse because I have become aware of my reality. My wifes continue lying and lack of open, honest, transparent sharing has the effect of taking me back to the trauma that is the affair. She knows this and yet is unwilling to stop. Lots of excuses as to why she continues to exist in this manner..many of which revolve around me..and how I prohbit her from being fully open and honest with engaging manner feels threatening to her.

This past weekend I woke up sad as usual...but so very lost. I have made some good strides in personal growth. I love my two young girls so very much. I would never do anything to hurt them....but I am out of options on how to protect them in the ways I had always planned. My plan was to be a full time Dad 100% of the time. My plan was to be in my M for Better or Worse...this is the worst part of that.

The reality is pointing to this NOT happening.

During this past 8 months I have grown....but my wife continues to cause me pain and hurt. At times I have felt we were on our way to a better way of existing...but by the end of last week it has become apparent she fails to really committ to her M to me and the family we planned and started together.

So I prayed, I tried calling my counselor...not available. I prayed, I called a prayer some comfort from a recorded prayer message. I prayed, Contacted my Pastor...he was unavailable. I went for a drive...I just could not make sense of how hateful and bitter my wife was to me last week...culminating with her attacking me for triggering hard as I saw the OM as me and my family walked to school to watch my youngest graduate kindergarten (this is how my wifes A started...met OM at school, then routinely got in a habit of dropping kids off then meeting up for their about ground zero of DD!). As a last resort I contacted an 800 suicide hotline. I needed someone to talk to. Contrary to what my wife thinks I dont share these thoughts with EVERYONE. I seek formats that are helpful and Mom and brother love me, but I learned early into my journey down this difficult path that they have no constructive support for me...they threw in the towels on their M shortly after hitting tough times.

Shortly into the conversation I was crying hard...but realized this was not what I needed to call...felt guilty for taking time up with a crisis counselor when someone on the verge of suicide could use the help. I was not suicidal...but desperate.

I hung up. They have since called back twice to check in on me.

I just told my wife what I did. She has checked out...left the room.

Has anyone else got to this confused and hurt by their WS that they are not sure what the truth of their current reality is? Or maybe a better way to put it...discovered their reality goes against a primary goal of theirs? I am looking at becoming a dad with at best 50% custody of two girls that do not deserve this. I so dont want them to go down the path that my wife and I are on (both of our parents divorced, they left us with some heavy baggage). They wont of course because my Dad physically and mentally disappeared when I was 12...I reconnected with him when I was 22 (my then gf now wife went with me to see him on the east coast.). He told me he did that to spare us the trauma of two households. I will NOT do that to my daughters.

My Dads first question to me when we were alone on that trip to reconnect with him was What do you want from me? My answer...I just want a Dad.

God help me for my actions.

To be clear I am not suicidal...but am concerned that I even got to the point of calling the number. My wife refuses to engage me in any meaningful way...she blames her unwillingness to do this on me...since I engage her too much and post my thoughts and feelings and our interactions on this website and with one other close long time friend.

I have tried to explain to her that communication with her right now is surface level and the lies she tells hurts any progress we experience.

Pray for me. I know that is selfish and not inline with what God asks us to do...but I really need His intervention.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:13 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

blakesteele posted 5/12/2013 21:04 PM

As I discuss this with my wife...and as I ponder how I specifically process the world around me...I think I am starting to understand what is going on.

This may appear elementary to many of you on this site...when I walk into a room I know who the dullest person bare with me.

I process things through outward expression. I internalize some, but mostly I desire to engage mentors our peers. I have done this throughout my professional career...contacting old supervisors even as I change companies. I pair up the problem with the mentor that has most likely experienced what I need to work on...and I seek his or her advice.

Fully realizing this has me thinking this thought.

Part of my uneasyness (besides the trauma of the A) is that my primary personal companion for peer to peer discussion was my wife. I trusted her so completely pre-A. I dont believe I leaned on her hard..but did engage her regularly.

Now the problem is my pattern of processing my personal world is lacking a core wife. Not only is she not there like she had been...she has actually brought severe pain and hurt to my core.

This is why I am so grateful for this site. Yes, it is annonymous and not as handy as a phone call...but it is really nice. I have one other friend who I trust to confide this matter with. He is a good man and has offered sound advice. However, he lacks the acutal experience of working through an experience I hope his wife never brings into his home.

I also miss the intimacy with a woman. I dont think my wife and I had overly great intimacy pre-A, but it was good. I so want to connect with a woman...I guess that could be a weakness..but I do enjoy the company of a woman. I think this is why I have always taken at least two women to lunch when at work...I dont think I would have an EA or PA...but I question my ability to stay true if I dont put safeguards in place...felt that way for 20 years of my career thus far.

I feel as if I am truly at a cross roads on what to do.

I am praying on this.

God be with me.

karmahappens posted 5/12/2013 21:05 PM

Sorry you are feeling so bad

but I really need His intervention

Just one thought.You don;t need GOD to step in, He has given you free will.

You appear to need to make a choice. Can you live with this marriage or do you need to take steps to distance yourself and walk down a healthier path?

180 my friend, gain some strength and your vision will become clear. She will either tow the line or not.

(((hugs))) during this difficult time

blakesteele posted 5/12/2013 21:18 PM


My Pastor months ago told me that God has given me all I need...I just need to trust.

Thank you.

brkn_heartd posted 5/12/2013 21:43 PM

First, I am sending a hug your way. At one point in time I was suicidal, and it was due to the desperation that I felt. God was with me and kept me from going through with it.

I understand the pain and anguish you are going through as a parent and a spouse. These are very hard decisions to make. While you are concerned with the 50% custody issues, I will ask you if it is better for your daughters to live in the current situation? I don't know that answer, only you can figure that out. I think each situation leaves an imprint on us. If you stay, you might also be teaching them other lessons you do not want to be teaching them.

I believe you reached out to the hotline because you needed human contact. It does not mean you are suicidal, it means you needed someone to talk to. Your wife checked out because she doesn't want to deal with the mess she has caused.

I let the pain from my Husband's A and actions hurt me for a long time. Finally, I realized enough was enough...and I asked for a D, but I was ready for it too. At that time, it pulled his head mostly out of his rear. We still had some come issues afterwards, but we are moving toward R.

I wish I had made that decision much sooner, but it took me a while to do it. There will be a time when you decide what your actions need to be. Only you can do that. Know that we are here for you.

Jrazz posted 5/12/2013 21:58 PM

Sending prayers and hugs. The fact that you are able to ask for help is a great sign that you are going to be ok. You know that there's hope. (And there always is.)


so_lost posted 5/12/2013 22:07 PM

It sounds like she may still be in some sort of fog. If the A is truly over, it sounds like she isn't completely over it and ready to R. It's up to you now. How long are you willing to wait for her to "get it"? Hopefully, she'll realize the devastation she's caused your marriage and family and start the process of helping you recover soon. On my worst days, I asked God to hold my hand and help me get through the day. It will get matter the path you choose. Your girls need and love you. Always remember that. Hugs to you.

Sal1995 posted 5/12/2013 22:21 PM

My plan was to be a full time Dad 100% of the time.

I understand that sentiment blake. It's one of the things I struggle with when deciding how to process my betrayal. There's no easy answers, but it seems to me that plan only works if both spouses are committed to the marriage. If she isn't, there is not much you can do about it except try to be the best dad you can be every opportunity you're given.

My plan was to be in my M for Better or Worse...this is the worst part of that.

Another sentiment I can relate to, in fact I've said as much in other posts. My take is that "better or worse" assumes that the "worse" part comes from what life / external forces give us, not from the deliberate hurtful acts of a spouse.

Infidelity may be a deal breaker, and provides the only biblical ground for divorce. But it doesn't have to be. The problem is that it takes two to R, and right now it sounds like you're the only one trying.

I will pray for you tonight, and ask God to change your wife's heart. If that's not possible, then I pray that you heal and find future peace and happiness.

Remember, you can be the best father to your girls that you can possibly be, regardless of the circumstances. Nothing your wife does or doesn't do can change that.

5454real posted 5/12/2013 23:10 PM

My prayers are with and for you this evening brother.

Practical advise, stop trying to change her. You are seeing who she truly is and what her priorities in life truly are. Obviously they do not coincide with your own. You have stated your desire for reconciliation, given her a list of your desires and dreams and she is choosing to ignore you. HER choice.

Time to focus on you. I understand the want/desire for intimacy with a significant other, she is utterly incapable of providing that at this time. Since you have no control over her, work on changing the one person you do have control over. Yourself.

Develop new routines that no longer include her. Do the kids enjoy flying kites? What about fishing or swimming or dancing? Develop memories that your kids will cherish forever. My eldest(from my first M) came home from college not that long ago and asked if we could go to the petting zoo and see the animals and feed the goats. That was a routine we had developed while he was 3 and his mother and I were involved in a very acrimonious, protracted custody battle. It lasted until he was 11 or 12 when friends became more important. He can't remember the friends names today, but he does remember the once a week visit to the zoo.

For yourself, is there a college nearby? I took classes one or two nights a week. Getting into a less stressful environment worked wonders. I found myself delving into subjects that I had never considered before and began finding myself doing research outside of what was required by the class. It was difficult at first, but as I detached myself from my XWW emotionally, I found myself gaining more and more strength. My world did not have to include her. I had my children, my job and my classes. Heck, I eventually got to a point where I didn't have the time nor the interest to engage in her power plays.

To reiterate, do not attempt to engage your WW. If you were to be magically given a clean slate, would you wish to be with the woman your WW has become? Outside of the affair itself, she does not sound like someone I would wish to be around. The better or worse part has become a worse or worser situation with the inevitable outcome being the worst. Stop the train wreck. Eventually, this is going to affect the kids in a very negative fashion. Would your preference be that they live in a broken home or came from one.

Again, prayers tonight brother. May He grant you peace, serenity and courage.

blakesteele posted 5/13/2013 00:12 AM

Thank you for the support.

I do realize that the call to the hotline was a desire for human contact. This was an extreme week of triggers (as I spoke of in another post) culminating in me attending a funeral of a friend of mine...he was 54, died of a heart attack, and had 2 children. It was tough.

My wife admitted to me tonight that she has disengaged me due to my dogging her with questions.

She recognizes the fact that my engagement of her in this extreme manner is due squarely to the A she chose to have and bring into our family...but she is not willing to own the A in sufficient manner as to overcome her selfish desires to protect herself and her image to do what she herself knows she should do.

She says she is working through all of this at her own pace...that I cant drag it out of her. Our counselor agrees my wife is working towards changing...but has never confessed to me that my wife HAS changed. Tonights 2 hour discussion with my wife reveals this to be true. She is not lying as much, but there are much less things to lie about.

I have seen a change in my wife. I have also seen her abandon me for the sake of OM and herself....her priorities are not what I thought they were (or they have changed). By prioritizing as she has she also abandoned our children.

9 months out from DD and I am no closer to comprehending how two mature adults could trade what they had for a 3 month great was the excitement? How great was the sex?

I am talking to an attorney this week.

God be with me and my girls as we take a fork in the road.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:56 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

Hurt2Deeply posted 5/13/2013 01:08 AM

Human contact is important. It is understandable to miss what you had with your wife. I am thankful you reached out.

Hang In there. I will be praying for you tonight.

I think it is good you are seeing a lawyer. I also liked the comment about your kids coming from a broken home rather than living in a broken home.

God cares about you.

OnAnIsland posted 5/13/2013 01:49 AM

First hugs to yu. Thinking of you and your kids.

See that lawyer and 180 your wife. See the lawyer to get an idea of the reality of divorce and separation. Hopefully it won't be as scary then. Like finding out the details of the A- they usually aren't as bad as what my brain can come up with. Talking with a lawyer doesn't mean that you are getting a divorce. You are just educating yourself. Take the fear out of the future. There are lots of innovative divorce decrees these days that support fathers' connections with their children,

180* to protect you. You need IRL support and IC support. And some other healthy outlets to nurture yourself. If you don't, you won't be strong enough for your lovely children when they need you on this journey ahead. Take care of yourself. Then see if she is coming along or not. Ad if you want her to come along or not.

Laura28 posted 5/13/2013 04:32 AM

Hi honey

I feel as if I am truly at a cross roads on what to do

I vividly remember the overwhelming urge I had to "know what to do" in those early days. I really do understand.

One of the strategies I employed in those days was to make up scenarios where I was living the life I wanted. This life did not include FWH.

My sich however was different from yours because my children were grown and had left home when dday happened.

by the end of last week it has become apparent she fails to really committ to her M to me and the family we planned and started together

I understand your desire to be a 100% dad. But consider this:

As a 100% dad you cannot spend every moment with them, nurturing them. You have other responsibilities even if it is only going to work, paying bills and mowing the lawn.

If you and your (F)WW split and you had the girls 50% of the time you could put 100% of your efforts into the time you had with them. When they were not with you, you could ensure you got all of the mundane chores out of the way so that the time you had with them was 100% theirs.

This is not the answer you want. I know that. I know you want your (F)WW to commit 100% to the M. But if this doesn't happen you need to look at what you could do to make the best of a bad sich.

You need to look at different scenarios and try to find a way to make them work for you.

I am almost 3 years out. My FWH is trying in his own weak way but I am far from satisfied with his efforts for a range of reasons I won't go into for the sake of brevity. (NB. I am 99% sure he is faithful at present.)

So I am staying because it suits me at the moment. I may wake up tomorrow and decide to leave. If so that is my choice and I can leave without guilt or regrets. This is the price he may pay for what he did. Someone on SI once told me that infidelity gives me a "free pass". I can choose to go (or stay) any time. It is totally up to me. This gives me comfort.

I remember the constancy of the nagging question "What should I do?", "What should I do?", "What should I do?", "What should I do?"

At times the voice is overwhelming, demanding an answer.

You know something? You don't need to answer it. You need to find ways to enjoy each day. One day the voice will give you answer. When that day comes you need to focus on making the best of the sich. Whatever the answer is.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care of you. Your kids will benefit from a contented dad. Do not engage her when she is in the fog.

I don't know if I have made sense or if anything I have said will help but I will offer prayers for you.



brokensmile322 posted 5/13/2013 09:17 AM


I agree. God has given you everything you need. You are strong. You have made it this far. Your girls need you and a good role model. You know this. You have the strength to see this through, whatever the outcome.

If you and your (F)WW split and you had the girls 50% of the time you could put 100% of your efforts into the time you had with them. When they were not with you, you could ensure you got all of the mundane chores out of the way so that the time you had with them was 100% theirs.

^^This is 100% spot on. I liken the above to my situation. I am a SAHM. I am with my kids 100% of the time. My sister was a working mom and spent maybe 50% of her time with her kids. I have often said to her...

You may not have been there 100% of the time, but your kids got the BEST of you. She was always calm, always had patience, always had time to listen, was not flustered, was devoted, etc... My kids have seen me at my worse, sometimes when I am not very loving because I am stressed out and burnt out.

Please consider that an intact family does not make a good father. It is the TIME spent that does that.

If human contact is what you need Blake start looking for healthy ways to get that. Start getting out to do those old hobbies, take a class, join a club, volunteer. Do something that will put you in contact with people and take your mind away from THIS. The rest of your time focus on your daughters and their needs and spending time with them.

Truly, I think if you start to detach you will find that strength buried deep inside you to do whatever it is you need to do.

I have read on here that when people get to this point, when they don't know what to do and the 180 seems their only hope, that if they SCHEDULE themselves to be very busy it helps tremendously. You seem to be a thinker, I am a thinker. When we are alone with our thoughts, we can make ourselves crazy. Keep yourself busy and engaged. Fill up your calendar.

Hugs! Tomorrow is another day. You will make it!!

MC_Jack posted 5/13/2013 12:21 PM

No advice dude, but you are not alone. I admire your desire to do the right thing. I think a lot of WWs that want to R do indeed create very difficult situations. They are not equipped to be emotionally whole and healthy people without lots of help. But they do want the M in some way.
Their dysfunction was always there, right in front of us. Our own issues blinded us to it.

cool2behonest posted 5/15/2013 17:21 PM

It sounds like maybe she is incapable of meeting your emotional needs. If you are looking for a deeper relationship, and it does not look promising that she is on board, you could spend a lot of time trying only to find out you spent too much time! Life is precious and time moves on... my first born was an infant seems yesterday now she is 29. Don't let yourself be held hostage in a relationship that does not fill your soul. You're kids will benefit most by seeing at least one parent self honoring and rising above a very difficult time in their life. they will come to respect you. You sound lie a religious man. I am not so religious as I am spiritual. I do believe that God does not intent for us to stay in a relationship that is filled with sadness, worrie, belittlement and lack of partnering together to rebuild love. Don't let the years pass on by. Show your kids that life s joyous, has episodes of pain, but we have choices to always strive and make life better. I hope you find the right answers for you!

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