He had told me he would be away all day on Mother's Day coaching. I wasn't thrilled obviously but we've had a long history of conflict over coaching...
What he was doing in fact was spending the day at a spa and hotel with OW, while I was home with my 3 boys. He had bought me a new bike which he had the boys present time on a Thursday (he didn't even stick around for it but went inside). I spent the day trying to have quality time with the most precious people in my world but in fact juggling naps and meals and the needs of 3 kids and failing to have that quality time I longed for with them.
He arrived home late.
The Saturday before I had noticed a bag with a bottle of wine and baileys in it just sitting in the car. I checked his bag and saw the wine was gone. He told me he gave it to a former mentor.
The first affair was during my first ever Mother's Day. My son was 7 months old. I can't remember if it had just found out the first time or was in the paranoid uncertain stage. I remember he gave me a necklace and earrings that were apparently expensive and did not suit my taste or appearance at all. I remember he told me she went with him to choose it.
I care about my kids so much and for that reason Mother's Day is so important to me. I told him I was triggering about it, how sad I wa feeling about how it has been ruined. When I tell him this he is airing and supportive, tells me I shouldn't have to deal with good, he's sorry etc etc.
But otherwise he's slipped into super sensitive and defensive mode, misinterpreting comments I make as being critical toward him when they are not about him. Tonight we articles home late from friends. Our youngest has been overtired and waking early which has been really hard on me. He's finally getting back on track... On our way home I said I would take him up for pyjamas and asked him to get milk etc. he seemed to take a while. Apparently he was writing an email. When he finally came up he was back socially mocking me, "I hope I was fast enough, I hope the snack is good enough". Really? I felt jut so disrespected. I can't tally o him about it. We have had a string of conflicts since Thursday and he won't accept my version of events, nothing. He is all about, "you need to look at yourself, I am only responsible for me, etc etc.
We are at the beginning of the 1 year anniversaries of all these horrible events that I promised myself would end my marriage (I had drawn my line in the sand). Here I am with the same relationship. Tonight I asked that he just respect my feelings regardless of whether he agrees or feels the same way. I am faced with a brick wall. He won't see me. Oh he has made certain progress and says his only interest is the family but my problem is that when the chips are down, it's back to me versus him.
How does the part of me that really really needs to be here acting in my own best interest, insisting on making sure I am being respected, deal with situations like this where I feel like he doesn't give a damn about what I need and instead resents it and responds with defensiveness and passive aggression?
We have periods of calm where all seems to be going well and I have hope for a future without a broken family. Then all of a sudden I feel like he gets over sensitive and defensive and it is another here we go again. How many rounds of this do I go through?
