A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard
His A was caused by his personal brokenness. Somewhere inside of him he thought an A would solve all his problems. An A is proof of a lifetime of skewed thinking and poor coping skills. Without IC and some real work on his brokenness, he will be at risk of doing it again, after all he relied on an A for 5 years (a tremendous bad habit to break).
Maybe some IC to find what's good in your relationship? I know I lost sight of the good parts of my M, for years all I could see was the negative.
[This message edited by Knowing at 5:33 AM, May 13th, 2013 (Monday)]
We are in R.
Although I don't feel that way anymore, I did feel that way for some time. My WW's A was "on and off" for roughly 7 of our 8 married years together, at least in some capacity (EA, PA, something-A, etc.). So yes, I can relate.
I believe there are many reasons for people to stay in relationships. What it sounds like is that maybe an occasional moment of an "amazing emotional connection", coupled with "QUITE amazing" sex, may not be that fulfilling to you after all, and maybe you're longing for something a bit more substantive in a relationship?
For me, the math pointed pretty convincingly to R. It sounds like your math doesn't.
So...are there things you didn't mention and that change the answer, or is R the wrong choice for you?
[This message edited by sisoon at 4:09 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
Can you think back to what got you two together in the first place and maybe find the foundation there?
I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)
I don't like sports and I don't like hip-hop!! lol. There, I said it. Yes, I like his companionship, great sex, and he actually now helps with the kids and is finally 100% dedicated to us.
My FWH had 8 PA's that I know of and his favorite OW was a LTA. I truly think he was into her. During that time, he would pull away, when I would try to kiss him and make out.
Lately, I've been thinking, WHY BOTHER? He's noticing, too, Ican't help it, I can't fake it. Don't know if I'm in R...But he is 1,000%.
I understand where you're coming from.
I'd walk - especially if I had the "why bother" feelings.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
You need to dig deep down inside of yourself and try to decide if the "good" outweighs the "bad".
To me, the whole thing is not just forgiveness of the past, but are you willing to have him cheat again? Do you feel he might?
Unfortunately, for a lot of us on SI, it is not so much the A, but the aftermath that kills us. The TT, gaslighting, blameshifting, etc is what is almost worse.
In this case, do a mental 180 and focus on yourself and what YOU want. Of course you want the "good" side. But is it really worth the bad??