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Newest Member: Katie191 (61867)

User Topic: why bother?
♀ 39114
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been having MAJOR Why Bother feelings? I have analyzed the things that were off balance in our relationship when the affair began, as well as what as going on in Sig Other's Life. And given the various pressures and imbalances, the affair SORT OF makes sense within the psychology of affairs literature. AND YET he was involved in this LTA which included "deep love" and passion for nearly 5 years. That's alot of lying. SO WHY BOTHER with R?? Isn't his morals just completely unacceptable. He's not even that great a companion, although I was terribly lonely when we had split up. He's not very interesting. So his morals suck and he's not that amazing, even though we CAN have an amazing emotional connection and he's QUITE amazing in bed. I'm 48 years old; kinda old to be basing a relationship on sex, huh? Seriously, we also own a house together. BUT WHY BOTHER? how many others feel that way. My situation is a bit different; we are not officially married and we do not have children together. BUT WHY BOTHER??!?!?!? thanks all.

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Left home, job, whole life behind and difficult** adjusting. Dog injured and too much to handle. Supremely bummed out.

Posts: 557 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
La Traviata
♀ 14941
Member # 14941
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, May 12th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fear of being lonely, good sex.... everyone has to chose what they are willing to base a relationship on.

me: BW 31
him: WH, 29
DDay: 4/16/12

A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard

Posts: 186 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: NOVA
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand feeling this way. He lied to you for 5 years after all.

His A was caused by his personal brokenness. Somewhere inside of him he thought an A would solve all his problems. An A is proof of a lifetime of skewed thinking and poor coping skills. Without IC and some real work on his brokenness, he will be at risk of doing it again, after all he relied on an A for 5 years (a tremendous bad habit to break).

Maybe some IC to find what's good in your relationship? I know I lost sight of the good parts of my M, for years all I could see was the negative.

[This message edited by Knowing at 5:33 AM, May 13th, 2013 (Monday)]

BW, R last 4 years of marriage out of 15... FINALLY, HAPPILY DIVORCING!

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 38518
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that what you're feeling is very normal, especially considering the gravity of your situation.

Although I don't feel that way anymore, I did feel that way for some time. My WW's A was "on and off" for roughly 7 of our 8 married years together, at least in some capacity (EA, PA, something-A, etc.). So yes, I can relate.

I believe there are many reasons for people to stay in relationships. What it sounds like is that maybe an occasional moment of an "amazing emotional connection", coupled with "QUITE amazing" sex, may not be that fulfilling to you after all, and maybe you're longing for something a bit more substantive in a relationship?

BH (me): 35
WW: 34
1 kid (7 y/o)
multiple affairs spanning our entire 11-year marriage
multiple d-days over the last 3 years (most recently: 1/3/2016)
divorced and finally released from this prison: 2/26/2016

Posts: 199 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 37184
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same.

Posts: 1078 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I sure did some math after D-Day - what I liked in my W vs what I didn't like, what I liked in our M vs what I didn't like, what I wanted vs what I thought I could get.

For me, the math pointed pretty convincingly to R. It sounds like your math doesn't.

So...are there things you didn't mention and that change the answer, or is R the wrong choice for you?

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:09 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17103 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 12008
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with sisoon on the math. There has to be something there worth fighting for, otherwise - seriously, why bother?

Can you think back to what got you two together in the first place and maybe find the foundation there?

Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)

Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm there with you, Agony.

I don't like sports and I don't like hip-hop!! lol. There, I said it. Yes, I like his companionship, great sex, and he actually now helps with the kids and is finally 100% dedicated to us.

My FWH had 8 PA's that I know of and his favorite OW was a LTA. I truly think he was into her. During that time, he would pull away, when I would try to kiss him and make out.

Lately, I've been thinking, WHY BOTHER? He's noticing, too, Ican't help it, I can't fake it. Don't know if I'm in R...But he is 1,000%.

I understand where you're coming from.

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 38317
Member # 38317
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like a deal breaker to me. It was too much for too long. I do not think I would go back with him. However that is a very personal decision. It is up to you.

Me BS 57
Him FWH 60
M 35 years
3 Adult kids

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 39114
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks everyone. really, really , thank you. Thing is, I THINK the 5 year lie (we were only together for 2.5 years of lying) should IN ITSELF be a deal breaker, and yet i'm one of those soft hearted, understanding, forgiving type people who understands personal dynamics and why these sort of things happen. I'm like the perfect person to have an affair on because i really do have the capacity for forgiveness. i Do understand the human condition and all (or many) of it's complications. So what? why SHOULD i. I feel I just should not, will not, can not forgive him and accept the 2.5 year lie and then 2 years of additional lying while he was living in my house for FREE! He's a parasite! And YES, i can go back to when times were good and I can feel like I can reconnect to him again and I can feel that MAYBE i can actually trust him again, but I know that's likely just me being stupid and why should i forgive him? He should be punished, feel the consequences! I'm not so much into revenge but I am into consequences. And yet my head i so screwed up right now I am not doing anything until i can find some balance! thanks for listening.

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Left home, job, whole life behind and difficult** adjusting. Dog injured and too much to handle. Supremely bummed out.

Posts: 557 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was IN LOVE with his OW for 5 years???

I'd walk - especially if I had the "why bother" feelings.

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6216 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: PA
♀ 27105
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agony, I think it may help you to go to IC to help you figure out what you want and why.

You need to dig deep down inside of yourself and try to decide if the "good" outweighs the "bad".

To me, the whole thing is not just forgiveness of the past, but are you willing to have him cheat again? Do you feel he might?

Unfortunately, for a lot of us on SI, it is not so much the A, but the aftermath that kills us. The TT, gaslighting, blameshifting, etc is what is almost worse.

In this case, do a mental 180 and focus on yourself and what YOU want. Of course you want the "good" side. But is it really worth the bad??

Posts: 2209 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 12

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