SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

newlysingle posted 5/12/2013 22:21 PM

So today I had plans to meet a bunch of friends and their kids at a local resort for the day. We rented cabanas by the pool. STBXH agreed to come and watch ds for the day so that dd and I could go alone (ds is too little to really enjoy it). He asked the other day if it was okay to come earlier and take dd to breakfast beforehand and I told him that was fine.

So he told me he'd be here by 8:00, but doesn't show until 8:45. I tell him at that time that he has to make it quick as I want to be at the pool by 10. I asked why he was so late and he drops the bomb that he was dropping skanwhore off at the airport (she lives out of state). Really? That's why you're late?

He also rolled up in a Mercedes SUV (not his car by a long shot). I ask him who's car he is driving and he snottily informs me that it is the rental car he got for skankwhore while she was in town for the past two weeks! This shitbag had 2 night of parenting time with my kids last week and each time told me I had to be home by 8:30 as he had to take an overseas conference call. Now, I know that he really just needed to bang his skank.

I should also add that he called me crying last Thursday saying he couldn't pay his bills and was asking me for more $ out of the budget to cover him. However, he managed to rent his slut a Mercedes SUV for two weeks!! He then informs me that she is moving here and has already started to move stuff in and that I just need to get over it.

Okay, so let me back track a couple of weeks here. DD has been having a really difficult time with the divorce and is in quite a state of grieving. We discussed how harmful it would be for her to meet OW at this time. He actually agreed (or so he said) and said that he would either have her hold off her move a few months or have her get her own place. So much for that conversation.

So I let him take dd to breakfast as she was excited to go, but told him to be back by 9:30 and to forget watching the baby. He shows up at 9:30 and begs to watch the baby. I told him to go f*ck himself and to get the hell out of my house. I haven't heard from him since.

I know I can't trust this asshole, but why does it still sting so bad when you find out another shitty, selfish thing they've done? I just want to be done with him. I worry so much for my poor dd as I think this is going to be awful for her.

newlysingle posted 5/12/2013 22:22 PM

I forgot to add that we all went to the pool, baby included and had a great time. All the other parents pitched in and helped me manage two kids. I've got the greatest friends, so it was a good ending to a crappy beginning.

Jayne Doe posted 5/12/2013 22:27 PM

When I started asking myself that question, that's when I knew I was done.

You get to the point where you just don't want to hear about it anymore because all it does is hurt YOU and sets you back from healing. It gets to the point where you are tired of torturing yourself with the pain of the details.

When you say to yourself you've heard enough and it's not going to change, you've reached a milestone in moving on in your life....

Celebrate this milestone

Take2 posted 5/12/2013 23:26 PM

The pain/angst/upset will fade as you absorb what you have learned from today, and lower your expectations even more in the future. So - When he says he needs money or is broke - he is lying, your answer: too bad. When he says he'll be somewhere - or needs to be somewhere - he'll be lying and late, have a back up plan ready to go, and stick to a more rigid visitation schedule . He's going to put his whore before your DD's needs - get some counseling lined up for DD. It all sucks!! I'm so sorry. Glad you had a good day by the pool though, and that you have such good friends.

stronger08 posted 5/13/2013 06:37 AM

NC = No new hurt..... Stop engaging him with conversation. Don't let him slide on his responsibilities. There are consequences to ones actions. Let him experience them. If he is short on cash too fucking bad. If he wants a flexible schedule say no too fucking bad. You get the picture here. If he starts to threaten or harass you seek legal action. If he don't pay his way seek legal action. He created this mess, now let him clean it up. Till then talk only about kids and finances. If the conversation takes a turn off the pertinent topic hang the hell up. Give him enough rope and he will hang himself. Sit back and enjoy the horror show that coming to his life.

SBB posted 5/13/2013 08:39 AM

^^Read what Stronger has said over and over.

It is a difficult transition to make but you need to make it. There is no 'we' - there is no 'what's best for the kids'. Unless or until he shows you consistently and regularly that he can put your childrens wants/needs ahead of his own you have to assume that he will not.

He is doing you a favour by showing you his arse with his fuckery. It will speed up this part for you.

I know the shock honey. I really do. I expect zero from the sad clown yet he still manages to do things that are even below my lower than a snakes belly button expectations.

You can choose to move out of the crazy. Just stop.

You can't control their fuckery but you can control how much it impacts your life. Have a Plan B then implement it if he is 5 mins late. Do not rely on him. Do not expect him to honour agreements. Do not expect him to act with any sort of honour or integrity.

If he does then its a pleasant and momentary surprise. If hell freezes over and the change is permanent then he is the proverbial unicorn amongst unremorseful waywards. Please take a pic for me.

It make take a few more disappointments and a bit more drama but you will get to a place where you'll take this course.

It is effective and it works. It doesn't change their fuckery (nothing can) but it does change how much it impacts yours and your childrens lives.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 8:41 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

Lola2kids posted 5/13/2013 08:51 AM

I just got this email today about co-parenting and thought it would help.
There is no mention of infidelity but all of the points I have seen before here on SI. It's a good list.

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/co-parenting-divorce-separation-ex-0417134

newlysingle posted 5/13/2013 11:27 AM

Thank you everyone for your replies. It's exactly what I needed to hear. I cried myself to sleep last night and still feel so sad this morning, but I've gotten to a new place. I've surrendered the battle I've been fighting. I can't keep the kids from OW as much as I would like to. He's not going to look out for their best interest and he never will. I just have to accept that and do my best when they are with me. I do plan on getting my dd some counseling, so between that and being the best parent I can be when I have them is all I can do.

I would love to have a rigid visitation schedule where it was just a given that he had certain days and we never had to discuss it, but that isn't possible in our case. He works out of town about 75% of the time. Every month his schedule is different, so we have to discuss each month what days he will be taking the kids based on his travel days. It's a pain in the ass and I wish it could be different.

I am officially letting go of trying to have any control over the situation. The link Lola2kids sent is really helpful. I also spoke with a friend last night that has been co-parenting with a giant asshat for 5 years now and she also gave me great advice, basically saying what you all said.

So while I'm grieving today, I'm also in a new place and know that I have nowhere to go from here, but upwards. Thank you!

tryingagain74 posted 5/13/2013 14:18 PM

He's going to put his whore before your DD's needs -

I absolutely agree with this and have found out the hard way after being disappointed time and time again. The AP will always be the first priority, and the kids will be expected to be "flexible" and "resilient" as they not only deal with their parents' divorce but also the WS's new squeeze.

I have come to expect very little from STBX in that sense, and I think that I will learn to expect even less once he marries her and moves her in.

I'm glad that you and your family had a great time anyway.