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No matter how I try to convince myself otherwise I still love my husband. Less than 2 months ago he was my husband. Now he is this horrible cheater that has caused so much pain in my life and the lives of our children. I 1/2 want desperately to grab him and beg him to be sorry and the other 1/2 simply wants to be completely done and away from him.

So today I have mediation with him. It's the first time he will be forced to sit down and face me since he destroyed our family. So far he has kept absolutely cool and has refused to give me answers.

I know today is purely for custody discussion but I know I will break down and cry and ask WHY?!!!

I know this post is all over the place but I'm just feeling so devastated lately. I am more hurt and confused than I had realized. And he continues to not give a crud.

Hugs, I am so sorry. Just because he doesn't show that he cares though doesn't mean he doesn't. His life is about to change... And will hurt him as much as it hurts you. Take him to the bank and get everything for yourself and your kiddos that you can.

It sickens me how these people can destroy a family and act like they don't give a shit. But I have figured out they do... Their thoughts plague them right before they sleep and when they first wake up. They may appear like they don't care, but their insides eats at them of what they did when they realize it is no longer a secret.

I could have written this about 18 months ago. I felt like I went from a normal, everyday existence to a sudden and surreal change as well. It only took me about five days to figure out that I wanted a D, so my life seemed to change at the drop of a hat. We started the legal separation process about a couple of weeks after DDay.

Mediation made me feel nauseated as well. Hold onto your emotions as best you can-- this is now business, so approach it that way. Don't be afraid to ask the mediator questions, and don't be too quick to back down and give your WH what he wants. I wanted things to remain as amicable as possible, but I also knew that I had to fight for some things, not only for me but also for my kids. Last of all but not least, make sure that you hire your own L to look over everything before you sign on the dotted line. The mediator is not looking out for your best interests-- your own attorney will.

You can do this! Let us know how it went. Remember: This is business. Don't let your WH see your weak spots!

(((MichelleRenee)))

This is soooo hard!

If it helps, here are the basics of what went on.

I did this very thing a week ago. It was one of the darkest days since DDAY, to sit in a strange room with strangers and that man I loved for 20 years across the room, being "good old boys" with his L.

Anway...

Perv and L attempted to plan the entire year, for what it's worth, and it backfired because he didn't give thought to anything DD would actually want herself-only him and his convenience. I know I'm supposed to NC, but after it was over, I was so out of whack from the changes he'd made that I did write and tell him how disappointed she would be of the changes and also that he was letting her down on promises of some future plans that would be cancelled because of the new structure he wanted.

Do you know, he hadn't even realized it?

I spent half the time in tears because it's fresh for me, but not for him so he had no clue and didn't try.

It ended up being a waste of a whole lot of money, but it got him to think about DD, so okay.

As I am trying to hold off DD staying at OW's (gag), another issue is Perv find a place for them to stay and he tried to make that my responsiblity. I don't know if you have anything like that going on, but it was a big trigger and one of the things that came up. They look at safety issues and try to make times, but those are boundaries and Perv doesn't "do that".

I'm sorry you have to go through it too, Michelle and hope you will recover quickly.