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Inevitable arrived, but it's still a shock. How to cope?

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FieldsOfLavender posted 5/13/2013 10:16 AM

WS and I went thru the separation agreement this morning. I asked, "Do you think we are heading for divorce?" and he replied, "Yes." We live in a state where you have to be separated for 12 months before filing for divorce.

While I mentally try to prepare myself and picture us in the courtroom before the judge, it still comes as a shock to my psyche.

I think WS checked out at month 7 or 8 into his EA/PA, when he insisted they were just friends. Now he says, he would not have started anything with his whore if we had had a happy marriage.

WS says that whore will be part of our child's life. I think OW and my child will probably like each other. I would like as many support systems for my child as possible as she grows, but having whore/OW as one of them is difficult to digest.

movingforward13 posted 5/13/2013 10:26 AM

Oh hugs. I am a firm believer that most affairs don't last after the BS removes themselves from the situation. I really believe that the BS is the fuel that keeps the affair going and once the BS is gone, the affair partners must start focusing on themselves then find out that they don't really like each other much.
Statistics back me up... Only 3% of affairs make it. You have the percentages on your size.

Focus on YOU. not him, not her, not them. YOU! You will be mommy and number 1 in your child's life. Stay happy, make a strong bond, trust me when I say your child will remember that as they grow up and see their father for what he really is. Focus on YOU and you will start to feel so much better.

FieldsOfLavender posted 5/13/2013 10:36 AM

When we got to the part of the separation agreement that mentioned life insurance, I told him to put our child as beneficiary. I said that I didn't pay insurance premiums all these years so that his whore can be the beneficiary. Whore has said that she didn't want to marry again, but she has also said at the beginning of the affair that she didn't get involved with married men.

He tells me that I am so irrational. Is my reaction really irrational? How am I supposed to react? With spirit and perkiness?

persevere posted 5/13/2013 12:56 PM

Definition of "irrational" is "without or deprived of normal mental clarity or sound judgment".

Hmmm....sounds your WS has it pretty backward FOL....imagine that.

Have you read up on NC and the 180 FOL? It sounds like it's time to implement it strongly - for your own sake. ((Hugs))

FieldsOfLavender posted 5/13/2013 14:08 PM

Persevere, I have known about affair for one year and WH is only now moving out. It was hard to draw the line at the beginning bc it seemed to be an emotional affair and not physical. Crash course in emotional affairs. Didn't know what they were nor how damaging

Is it not too late for 180? I wish I'd been more convicted at the beginning to do the 180 but I was so sad at the beginning. Now I am more angry, mixed with sadness.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/13/2013 14:19 PM

I feel your pain so strongly! I'm sorry you are going through this. My WH is also having an emotional affair. It's devastating to say the least. We too are separating; I'm packing stuff up little by little today and plan to be out before he gets home on Friday. My WH won't admit it's an EA and definitely wouldn't tell me if it is/was a PA. The only upside I have is that my children are older, 19 and 17, and I know they won't let the OW be part of their lives....they are pretty upset with their father.

I have no idea how to cope but you, like me, have to keep our heads up and show them we are strong. It's definitely not easy. I'm doing the 180 now and have for the past week but it doesn't seem to phase him because he still has her to text all the time.

Sending you hugs....you definitely need them!!!!

FieldsOfLavender posted 5/13/2013 20:51 PM

Movingforward, you mention that only 3% of affairs make it. My WH says he loves OW. Does this still apply?

I'm just pissed off sometimes and sad with tears flowing at other times.

FieldsOfLavender posted 5/13/2013 20:54 PM

StillTrying, my WH does not see OW regularly, but continues to text her DAILY, so I don't know that 180 will phase him, either. He seems to lack empathy, even before this affair stuff began.

dreamlife posted 5/13/2013 20:59 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Please remember that "honeymoons" don't last forever.

((((huge hugs))))

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