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courageous posted 5/13/2013 10:39 AM

I feel so defeated today.

Exwh sent me a nice text message yesterday thanking me for being a good mother to our kids. It was the nicest he has been to me in a long time. I wish I could take it for a compliment but I have recognized a pattern with him... He is nice right before he is about to do something very horrible to me. I just don't have the strength to fight anything right now.

I have been sick for well over a month. I have gone to a doctor and nothing has gotten me completely better.

My SO has been so good to me and yet I still struggle with whether or not I'm even good enough for him.

I just want to give in, go back to bed, and never get out again.

I finally told a co-worker about the bad things exwh did do me while we were married. I still struggle with acknowledging it. My co-workers have been so good to me.

It's hard for me to lean on anyone. I have been the strong one for so long. I feel like such a bad mother for being distracted with all that has been going on.

Things are going so well for me and yet I just feel like giving up.

Amazonia posted 5/13/2013 11:01 AM


I know it's tough. You are taking steps forward though, and that's a really big deal! It's something to celebrate, even though it doesn't feel like it. Recognizing a pattern in your ex is growth. Not engaging in his mind games is growth. Telling someone about what happened in your marriage is growth. Letting someone in and trusting them, even a little, is growth.

You're moving forward, and you're doing great!!! I'm proud of you.

ManBearDivorce posted 5/13/2013 20:00 PM


I hope my big Man Bear hugs make you feel Courageous!!!!!

Defeat those not around you but the ones within you.

It all starts with you. Nothing can change that. You may feel like this now but time will surely make you feel better. Make that time great!

nowiknow23 posted 5/13/2013 21:21 PM


courageous posted 5/13/2013 22:34 PM

thank you for your encouraging words. I went to the doctor and got some new meds that will hopefully make me feel better.

I think what has been affecting me the most is that I have to stop running and stop denying that something bad DID happen to me. Denial has been my best friend for most of my life. I want to be healthy enough for my bf so I have to face somethings which means no more denying.

I am a very strong person. I survived a miscarriage, then a month later got pregnant with my dear little girl. The doctors told me that she would be a dwarf or have down syndrome. I struggled with bonding with her during pregnancy because I feared I would lose her too. Less than 6 months after she was born exwh started his A. We had false R for about 7 months. The next year of court battles nearly did me in. All of that happened within the last 3 years.

I'm tired of having to protect myself for the next attack from exwh. Yes I have made progress from completely falling for all of his head games but I'm not out of the woods yet.

I feel just like I did when I first found out about the A. I need someone to support me and help me to get thru the beginning of my recovery until I can reach acceptance but I have no one. I'm in a LD relationship so SO can't help much. Not to mention I don't think he really wants to hear any details. I can't tell my family because they already hate him and are struggling being decent during visitation hand-offs. I haven't been able to say the words to my friends. I only said something to my co-worker because it was in a moment of weakness.

I am so alone surrounded by people.

Bluebird26 posted 5/14/2013 05:13 AM

Things will get easier. Time and IC will help.

My xwh is a doosh on the rare occasion that he is really nice it is normally just before he wants something.

Took me quite some time realise it though. It's like a one - two punch that you don't see coming.

Amazonia posted 5/14/2013 06:01 AM

IC is the perfect person to tell. Please do this for yourself.

Chrysalis123 posted 5/14/2013 08:24 AM

Hi Courageous. I just read you rprofile, and you have been through hell and back. Your user name suits you well.

You have demonstarted incerdible strength and have done nothing wrong protecting your children and you. Fuck all those people that tried to hurt you.

At least now you know who they are. I know I did not feel like htis at frst but now I relaize I got a great "Get out of jail free" card when the affair and divorce happened. And I get great life lessons that will prepare me for me future.

Please give yourself a break. A big gentle hug, and some tender care. You deserve it.

You can survive anything, you know...

NaiveAgain posted 5/14/2013 09:34 AM

I think what has been affecting me the most is that I have to stop running and stop denying that something bad DID happen to me. Denial has been my best friend for most of my life.
Yes. I believe you are right on with this.

Denial serves a purpose. It protects us for a time from things we are not ready or strong enough to acknowledge, but you sound like you are becoming strong enough to start dealing with it. Do this at your own pace. In order to completely heal, you will need to acknowledge what happened, as surreal as it seems. It took me quite a while to even believe I was being abused. I was in denial, because I felt it could not happen to me. It only happens to other people, on TV. I was strong and independent. Abused women are supposed to be weak. That is one of the fallacies the media perpetuates.

Trust your gut. Believe in your own feelings and instincts. Be nice to yourself. You have been through a lot. You are bound to feel tired and worn out. That is okay and totally expected. Give yourself some time to cocoon or hibernate and heal. Don't expect too much from yourself right now. You are allowed a breather.

A good counselor can help a lot in facing our reality and learning to handle our traumas and issues.

I am glad you have some support and that your co-workers are being good to you. There are also many on here that have been through similar situations and understand and can help support you.

It is okay to ask for help and lean on others once in a while. You don't have to ALWAYS be strong. The strong tree breaks in a heavy wind. The tree that bends once in a while will be the one that survives.

Hang in there, you are doing good, and seek the support you need and deserve.

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