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Should I search for her?

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huRtZ413 posted 5/13/2013 11:58 AM

So hubby had a ONS says he only knew her first name that she was a college girl in a sorority that wore shirts but that all he knows he doesn't know the school or her last name so how do I find her with this info or should I even try ?

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 5/13/2013 12:43 PM

Would it make a difference?

I'm not asking sarcastically, but would it make a difference to you to know who she is?

confused615 posted 5/13/2013 13:02 PM

He's lying. He knows her name..he probably knows exactly how to find her.

Tell him you want him to take a polygraph as a condition of R.

Skan posted 5/13/2013 13:04 PM

Hey, I feel for you. I really do. My husband had a ONS too. I have her first name, the description of her car, and her hair color. And belive me, every time I see a car that looks like hers with a Hello Kitty sticker on it (really lady, at YOUR age???) I feel an intense urge to see if there is a black-haired lady driving it. If I really wanted to, I could track her down I have enough info.

But in all honesty, what's the point? Satisfying my curiousity about what she looks like won't help me. They meant nothing to each other both were just looking for someone to screw on a casual basis. It wouldn't change a darn thing. So why bother? If she's physically more attractive, that will mess with your head. If she looks like a two-legged pig that will mess with your head. Let her go and put the focus on the important stuff. (((hugs)))

1Faith posted 5/13/2013 13:30 PM

Don't try. It will only surface new questions. If was truly a ONS then what is there to find out other than what she looks like.

Most men dummy down when they cheat - helps their ego.

So know that regardless of who she is or what she looks like - you are better. You are real and you didn't cheat. You "beat" her hands down.

Move forward and forget the tramp.

Good luck.

Tiredofthepain posted 5/13/2013 13:32 PM

Well, I disagree, I think it's important for you to know, I mean how do you know it's only a ONS? or his first one?
You deserve to know everything.

confused615 posted 5/13/2013 13:36 PM

Exactly. She may be one of your friends. I know he confessed,but that doesn't mean he told you the entire truth. Cheaters lie and minimize.

Ashland13 posted 5/13/2013 15:10 PM

I don't know, this seems like one of those things that will figure itself out over time. A question with no concrete answer, but what's right for you.

At first and even now, I simply had to know anything I could about OW but now I find I don't want to. I don't want to hear anything about any of it. Any of it is a trigger and actually, SBXH himself has become a trigger.

I don't know when your Dday was, but early on I was much more curious, if that helps at all. Maybe as time goes on, you won't need to know, but maybe you will. I have times or issues I need to know and can't let go of if I don't know, so it goes in a circle sometimes.

Do you think you could put it out of mind if you knew, or would it be a lot worse? Maybe some questions to ask yourself would help.

I'm sorry, but I'm skeptical that he has no info. Was he drunk? I don't know many instances where a ONS could happen without details if it was in a setting like you describe, because that doesn't seem like a sudden thing, like things that happen on the street.

And I hate the saying too, but maybe over time things will divulge themselves as sometimes happen. I know I've had some small questions answered without having to ask, when a person talks about it or DD or Perv himself lets something slip.

Discovering what really matters about life and "the situation" has helped a lot.

sodamnlost posted 5/13/2013 16:34 PM

If she's physically more attractive, that will mess with your head. If she looks like a two-legged pig that will mess with your head. Let her go and put the focus on the important stuff. (((hugs))

YES. THIS. At first I had visions of this porn star as his OW then I saw her picture - yuck. DOUBLE yuck when I met her. REALLY?!?!? *THAT* was what he risked his M for? Ugh. Can't win on what they look like and in reality - it doesn't matter. Mine didn't even have a pic of her before he invited her into my bed to have sex with her. Clearly it wasn't even about her.

PurpleBirch posted 5/13/2013 18:29 PM

I don't know about everyone, but I needed to know as much as possible. I can't remember where I read this, but it stops you from imagining worse things than what actually happened.

But yes, cheaters are by definition liars, so take what they say with a grain of salt. Mine says it was only twice in the fall, but there was that time we had sex in December & I put my nose on his chest and smelled someone's perfume. To this day he swears that was nothing. You don't just accidentally get perfume on your shirt (under your tunic) by accident though.

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