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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: Should I search for her?
huRtZ413
♀ 39214
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So hubby had a ONS says he only knew her first name that she was a college girl in a sorority that wore shirts but that all he knows he doesn't know the school or her last name so how do I find her with this info or should I even try ?



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ 33374
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would it make a difference?

I'm not asking sarcastically, but would it make a difference to you to know who she is?


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013


Posts: 2044 | Registered: Sep 2011
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's lying. He knows her name..he probably knows exactly how to find her.

Tell him you want him to take a polygraph as a condition of R.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8086 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, I feel for you. I really do. My husband had a ONS too. I have her first name, the description of her car, and her hair color. And belive me, every time I see a car that looks like hers with a Hello Kitty sticker on it (really lady, at YOUR age???) I feel an intense urge to see if there is a black-haired lady driving it. If I really wanted to, I could track her down I have enough info.

But in all honesty, what's the point? Satisfying my curiousity about what she looks like won't help me. They meant nothing to each other both were just looking for someone to screw on a casual basis. It wouldn't change a darn thing. So why bother? If she's physically more attractive, that will mess with your head. If she looks like a two-legged pig that will mess with your head. Let her go and put the focus on the important stuff. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5238 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't try. It will only surface new questions. If was truly a ONS then what is there to find out other than what she looks like.

Most men dummy down when they cheat - helps their ego.

So know that regardless of who she is or what she looks like - you are better. You are real and you didn't cheat. You "beat" her hands down.

Move forward and forget the tramp.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tiredofthepain
♀ 37932
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I disagree, I think it's important for you to know, I mean how do you know it's only a ONS? or his first one?
You deserve to know everything.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly. She may be one of your friends. I know he confessed,but that doesn't mean he told you the entire truth. Cheaters lie and minimize.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8086 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know, this seems like one of those things that will figure itself out over time. A question with no concrete answer, but what's right for you.

At first and even now, I simply had to know anything I could about OW but now I find I don't want to. I don't want to hear anything about any of it. Any of it is a trigger and actually, SBXH himself has become a trigger.

I don't know when your Dday was, but early on I was much more curious, if that helps at all. Maybe as time goes on, you won't need to know, but maybe you will. I have times or issues I need to know and can't let go of if I don't know, so it goes in a circle sometimes.

Do you think you could put it out of mind if you knew, or would it be a lot worse? Maybe some questions to ask yourself would help.

I'm sorry, but I'm skeptical that he has no info. Was he drunk? I don't know many instances where a ONS could happen without details if it was in a setting like you describe, because that doesn't seem like a sudden thing, like things that happen on the street.

And I hate the saying too, but maybe over time things will divulge themselves as sometimes happen. I know I've had some small questions answered without having to ask, when a person talks about it or DD or Perv himself lets something slip.

Discovering what really matters about life and "the situation" has helped a lot.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2424 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
sodamnlost
♀ 37190
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she's physically more attractive, that will mess with your head. If she looks like a two-legged pig that will mess with your head. Let her go and put the focus on the important stuff. (((hugs))

YES. THIS. At first I had visions of this porn star as his OW then I saw her picture - yuck. DOUBLE yuck when I met her. REALLY?!?!? *THAT* was what he risked his M for? Ugh. Can't win on what they look like and in reality - it doesn't matter. Mine didn't even have a pic of her before he invited her into my bed to have sex with her. Clearly it wasn't even about her.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
PurpleBirch
♀ 39170
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 13th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about everyone, but I needed to know as much as possible. I can't remember where I read this, but it stops you from imagining worse things than what actually happened.

But yes, cheaters are by definition liars, so take what they say with a grain of salt. Mine says it was only twice in the fall, but there was that time we had sex in December & I put my nose on his chest and smelled someone's perfume. To this day he swears that was nothing. You don't just accidentally get perfume on your shirt (under your tunic) by accident though.


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
Topic Posts: 10

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