Recently I visited my mother, who is ...difficult...at best to get along with. She is an extremely narcissistic person and now that I understand that, we do better. I can steer the conversations and things and not let her get to me or control me as she has rather often for my whole life.
Well, we've arrived in a place we've been before. For a little of her history, she and my father were M for 30 years and she snuck out one day after writing a letter to him. There was no cheating that was known, but he was suspicious. But, he's just a suspicious person, too.
Anyhoo...fast forward to H#2 for Mom, who I/we liked but didn't get warm and fuzzy or close too. I suspect he was Mr. Rebound, which I called him in my head. She met him really soon and he ended up being a cheater, after hooking up with a prior GF when she got hurt on his motorcycle. Then he turned the page and tried to make her his OW (which he thought was hysterical).
During this very, very short M, he, Perv and I would chit chat while she played with DD. Sometimes I would visit while Perv worked overnight and DD and I would stay longer. And sometimes, Mr. Rebound would complain to me about my mother and things she did that irritated him.
This was quite a long time ago, 10-12 years and I had zero experience in R's other than mine. I listened politely as he did to me and put it in the vault. It was stuff that chronically bothered my father and made the problems he and my mother had-about my sister, also hugely narcissistic. I don't want to write another novel so will leave that detail out.
So fast forward to the present and that vacation I went on last month with DD o visit NG (Narcissitic Mom)/Grandma and NS (Narcissitic Sister). We spent two weeks there and it was similar to visiting them elsewhere, where we all split up or she went off to work and we visited til she got back and so on.
During the times I was with the current BF (long term, maybe 5 years by now and also a BH), he began confiding in me as I did to him about Perv and the baby, DD and you know...usual life things.
Well, he started to vent quietly and complain about my mother! It was the very same sh as Mr. Rebound (I call this one Mr. Moneybags or SD for Sugar Daddy). About her and my sister and her being too lavish on my sister and so on, blah blah blah.
I did finally tell NG/Mom about Mr. Rebound's troubles years ago and she laughed it off, saying, "Oh, he's not serious, he always says that too me!" Well, he was long gone within months and they were really big red flags, I think, nowadays?
So after my long new post, I'm writing to ask for suggestions. Do I say anything to her this time? I've become a "Buttoutsky" instead of "Buttinsky" in my old age because I think people when they are grown up need to find their way. But, it's really hard to have this type of information in the vault about her, esp. with what's going on in my and DDs own life.
One of his complaints is that "She treats your sister like a friend without rules. She told her secrets I didn't want your sister to ever know about me." Ironically, it's Sugar Daddy that is the secret teller.
So I would be glad to hear any reactions. I think my mom keeps this guy around mainly for his money, but I'm not one to judge.
What I do understand is that when she met him he was alcoholic, to the point of daily passing out, but he's not drinking now. He would do whatever she wanted and she could pretty much just drive over him with what she wanted. But now with him sober, he's watching her ways and lifestyle and not quite sure if it's right.
He's one of these people who also thrusts his beliefs onto others and would actually follow DD or I around and pick on us for what we ate...so he's doing that with Mom because she's still drinking and he isn't.
Also...NS, Narcissitic Sister is a toxic person and treats men without a lot of respect. She has a fiance now, who she hasn't been BF with long, but already lives with him. They've been friends a long while but she held him off. As he rose in his career, she took more interest in him and now, kaboom.
Anyway...she critizes him in front of people and ridicules him. Made fun of his moles or dirty windshield in front of us after he worked all weekend.
My parting words to each of them were, "Be good to these men. You are both lucky to have them in your lives." And I hugged them and DD and I came home. They both were really mad at me, hate to be questioned and so on, but after all this with Perv, I really had to say something.
Mom is gushing over Fiance' and asked how I liked him and all of that like we do. I told her "I like what I saw and heard and hope he'll be around a while."
When my brother was honest with them and said he thought it was too soon for M plans, my mother got really mad at him, too.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.