So sorry to hear about your pain and confusion. I know how difficult it can be to exist in limbo. Most, if not all, BSs are either in limbo or have been in limbo at one time or another with a WS.
Your story shares some similarities with mine. My WW also said things to me that were emotionally painful to hear and experience. Sometime around last December, when she started to come clean about her EA/PA, she told me she was in love with the OM, that she has never been in love with me, that she has never been attracted to me, that sex with the OM was the best she'd ever had, and that she can "truly be herself" around the OM.
Whether or not any or all of that was truthful is irrelevant. It would be analogous to a parent saying to a child: I don't love you and never have; you're a disappointment and I just simply do not care about you, I LOVE your brother/sister and always have - but just not you, I am fulfilled when I think of being a parent to your brother/sister but not you, or, here's the kicker: If you were never born, I would have been able to "truly be myself, to be happy".
What parent could ever imagine uttering those words to a child, to a PERSON they are supposed to love unconditionally? That is unthinkable, right? Well, just change the context and roles, and you have spouses. No difference in terms of the pain and trauma experienced by a BS, IMO.
I don't know if you ever get over your WS saying they love someone else.
Very true! Here's the thing. You don't ever "get over" those hurtful things. I just don't think it's possible without, say, a lobotomy. What you can do is choose to accept that those things were done to you, that they were incredibly hurtful and devastating, but that in order to move forward with life, you have to allow those acts of emotional abuse to be resigned to the past (i.e., not in the present or future). And the way in which to do so is by forgiveness. Forgiveness is really about YOU (not the other person). It's about accepting and believing that very bad things that were done to you can no longer live WITH you - in the present - but will forever remain in the past. And that you will no longer harbor ill will, anger or resentment. After all, we can't change what has happened to us. But we can change how to choose to live our lives and view ourselves.
Let me be clear - it in no way justifies or excuses the devastation inflicted upon you by your WH. Nor does it mean you must R with him (hell, even if you D your WH sometime down the road for doing this to you, you would be encouraged to forgive, as you don't have to harbor those feelings for the rest of your life). It simply means you are choosing to no longer allow that abuse to exist in the present.
I know quite a few people who have forgiven spouses, even though they have divorced, because they don't want to live with resentment, bitterness, etc. I think I subscribe to that theory - I don't want to live with those atrocious acts swirling around in my present mind for the rest of my life. Because whether or not my WW and I fully R and move on with a happy marriage (note: we are currently a few months into R, and it's going well), I must make the choice to forgive so that I am unburdened by the devastating effects of trauma, abuse, lies, and betrayal.
Hope that helps.
[This message edited by Theradin at 3:06 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]