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undonelife posted 5/13/2013 13:39 PM

The last few days have been bad. I don't feel any love for WH. Don't know what to do with these feeling of disgust & hurt. Cannot push all the things he did with her out of my mind. Not mind movies but just the things he did with her & the things he told her. The horrible things he said to me after Dday. He was so cruel. Dont know what to do with my feelings. When I tell him how angry &sad I am he says 'please don't leave me'. He listens & takes whatever I dish out. He seems to be trying. I still don't trust him. I don't really like being with him cause he's a trigger after all the mean things he's said to me. We r both in IC. What do I do? How do I move past pain to healing?

crazyblindsided posted 5/13/2013 14:56 PM


Yes it happens to me too. My emotions are still riding the rollercoaster, so some days I love my WH and am happy we are in R and others are so bad I could get a D that instant.

I am 14 moths out from DDay1 and the cycling between highs and lows are getting less. I am more at peace with myself and life has calmed somewhat. I do trigger and still have some PTSD. I still have days that I hate WH.

I think with time all of it will dull, but I'm sure there will always be some pain associated with it unfortunately.

All we can hope for is to make a better M out of it. If that happens then R will have been worth it!

1Faith posted 5/13/2013 15:04 PM


I know you won't want to hear it but just takes time.

You are still fairly newly R correct?

Of course you are still hurting and are confused. Your H can't take back what he did or the things he said. Those are gifts that will be with you for a lifetime. (((sorry)))

What you can do going forward is set your boundaries and priorities.

Take time for you. Do what you need to do and tell him what it is you need from him.

The affair is not easy to process and accept, but it was who I became and how I was treated in those 8 months leading up to discovery that I had the most difficulty healing from.

We have not talked about the rage phase. To use the word rage is like calling a tornado a bit of wind. I had so much difficulty handling my rage that I began hurting myself as a way of letting it out.

When the A was revealed and the prospect of losing the marriage became real he had those months of me treating him wonderfully to compare with not having me and it was largely responsible for his ability to come out of the fog relatively quickly after D-day.

Knowing that those months were not in vain because they had an effect is very important to me and helped me to eventually learn to process that time.

To stay or leave a marriage is a very personal decision. There is no right or wrong reason. I do not want to encourage you to do either. I only offer up what I went through so you know you are not alone.

undonelife posted 5/13/2013 16:17 PM

Thanks Crazy and 1Faith. Im 5 1/2 months from discovery and about 3 months in real R. What hurts more than anything is that I discovered it and when I discovered it he told me he loved her, his heart was with her, he didn't love me anymore and that he wanted a divorce. I did all the wrong things (before SI) begging, pleading, trying to talk to him about what it would do to our kids, how it would destroy him eventually and he was just mean and nasty. I exposed him to most of our friends and threatened to expose to his co-workers and boss (even before SI!). I didn't do the boss and I didn't tell OW BH, tho I wish now I would have. He used the threats I made to tell his boss against me later in MC as a reason he didn't want to reconcile with me. When I finally got sick of being treated cruelly and realized I needed to do the 180 I was at peace. He filed for divorce and I decided I would move on. I was doing okay and looking forward to life without him around (we had an in house separation.) I couldn't get him to leave the home. About the time I was at peace with letting him go he changed his mind and said he didn't want to divorce, that he wanted to work things out. I stayed for my kids sakes as they were totally destroyed when they found out what dad had done. (ages 14 and 16 - they were old enough to understand what an affair meant) I have been in a sad state ever since then. Its hard to reattach when you've decided to move on. I cant stand for him to try and get me to have sex with him. Im not turned on AT ALL. Makes me sick to think about it. He cannot find another job so he is still near where she works. He really has tried we have applied for them together so he could show me he was trying. He tells me now he was "out of his mind" but that he knew what he was doing would hurt me. Pisses me off that he chose to do it anyway knowing it would hurt me. I would have never done anything so cruel to him. I've been with him 30 years, married 28 and its hard to walk away from that kind of time together. Just don't know what to do.

undonelife posted 5/13/2013 16:20 PM

Yes I am new to R. I discovered Thanksgiving weekend 2012 and we went downhill after that. He filed for D sometime in January. Feb 14th is when he came home and wanted to start over.

TrustGone posted 5/13/2013 16:30 PM

Yes. It is hard to try and R after all of that I am sure. It does get easier with time, but I don't know if it will ever be good again. I know exactly how you feel and it is quite normal at this stage of R. I don't know if you ever get over your WS saying they love someone else. Mine gave OW an engagement ring prior to DDay and then took it underground for another year. I am not sure I can ever fully come to accept that he could do that to me and still say he loves me now. I wish I had answers for you, but it appears to be part of the process that you go through whether you R or D. Just wanted you to know I share your pain. (((HUGS)))

La Traviata posted 5/13/2013 17:33 PM

Nothing useful to say, just that I'm right there with you and it sucks. One second I think it's beyond repair, the next I'm making plans for our future.

Trust yourself, and be patient with yourself. hugs.

Ladyogilvy posted 5/13/2013 17:51 PM

You are definitely not alone. I understand completely how you feel. I have gone through so many trips around this roller coaster, some days I am ready to give up. I'm going through one of those phases now. I've told WH to start making a list of what he's going to do to make things better. I'm tired of him asking me and then not hearing me or forgetting what I tell him.

What is your WH doing to make things better?

Have you found a good MC? A lot of them suck and can do more damage than good but if you find a good one who gives actual good advice, it can be helpful.

jjsr posted 5/13/2013 21:52 PM

Yep, I feel that way and we are 21 months from dday. Its less then when all this was new but its still there.

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/14/2013 14:12 PM

I also don't have anything useful to say, but I wish you strength and future happiness.

Theradin posted 5/14/2013 14:58 PM

So sorry to hear about your pain and confusion. I know how difficult it can be to exist in limbo. Most, if not all, BSs are either in limbo or have been in limbo at one time or another with a WS.

Your story shares some similarities with mine. My WW also said things to me that were emotionally painful to hear and experience. Sometime around last December, when she started to come clean about her EA/PA, she told me she was in love with the OM, that she has never been in love with me, that she has never been attracted to me, that sex with the OM was the best she'd ever had, and that she can "truly be herself" around the OM.

Whether or not any or all of that was truthful is irrelevant. It would be analogous to a parent saying to a child: I don't love you and never have; you're a disappointment and I just simply do not care about you, I LOVE your brother/sister and always have - but just not you, I am fulfilled when I think of being a parent to your brother/sister but not you, or, here's the kicker: If you were never born, I would have been able to "truly be myself, to be happy".

What parent could ever imagine uttering those words to a child, to a PERSON they are supposed to love unconditionally? That is unthinkable, right? Well, just change the context and roles, and you have spouses. No difference in terms of the pain and trauma experienced by a BS, IMO.

I don't know if you ever get over your WS saying they love someone else.

Very true! Here's the thing. You don't ever "get over" those hurtful things. I just don't think it's possible without, say, a lobotomy. What you can do is choose to accept that those things were done to you, that they were incredibly hurtful and devastating, but that in order to move forward with life, you have to allow those acts of emotional abuse to be resigned to the past (i.e., not in the present or future). And the way in which to do so is by forgiveness. Forgiveness is really about YOU (not the other person). It's about accepting and believing that very bad things that were done to you can no longer live WITH you - in the present - but will forever remain in the past. And that you will no longer harbor ill will, anger or resentment. After all, we can't change what has happened to us. But we can change how to choose to live our lives and view ourselves.

Let me be clear - it in no way justifies or excuses the devastation inflicted upon you by your WH. Nor does it mean you must R with him (hell, even if you D your WH sometime down the road for doing this to you, you would be encouraged to forgive, as you don't have to harbor those feelings for the rest of your life). It simply means you are choosing to no longer allow that abuse to exist in the present.

I know quite a few people who have forgiven spouses, even though they have divorced, because they don't want to live with resentment, bitterness, etc. I think I subscribe to that theory - I don't want to live with those atrocious acts swirling around in my present mind for the rest of my life. Because whether or not my WW and I fully R and move on with a happy marriage (note: we are currently a few months into R, and it's going well), I must make the choice to forgive so that I am unburdened by the devastating effects of trauma, abuse, lies, and betrayal.

Hope that helps.

[This message edited by Theradin at 3:06 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

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